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November 26, 2008
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Miss Information is off this week, stocking up on canned cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes and miniature marshmallows. Check out Third Armpit, her personal blog, and enjoy this Thanksgiving edition of the best of Miss Information. Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Cheater Bait, Here's what happened the last time I went vigilante: I was waiting in line for the bathroom at a local bar. All of a sudden this guy comes sailing up, cruises past me, and starts trying the lock on the door. "Ah, EXCUSE ME," I say bitchily, tapping his shoulder. "I'm waiting. These people are too." Guy turns around, looks at me like he's contemplating murder and goes, "I work here. I'm putting toilet paper in the bathroom. Touch me again and I'll throw you out of this bar." Ouch. Awkward. I still don't regret what I did, but I wish I had assumed less and waited more before I opened my mouth. I could have also weighed the relative importance of letting someone pee before me in lieu of getting in an unnecessary confrontation with someone who could put a huge loogey in my Brooklyn Lager if he so desired. The take-away: You never know who you're fucking with. You have no ties to this person. Therefore, there is less reason than ever for you to get involved. Block her from contacting you and move on.
Dear Inexpressive, When people ask for mushy-gushy they're not necessarily going after words. They're going after feelings . Their own, to be more specific. They want reassurance that the objection of their affection likes them — or even better, loves them — a whole mess. This knowledge makes them feel special, safe and secure. (I know that was a lot of marshmallow to sift through. Here's a Joan Jett chaser.) You're in luck, Inexpressive, because you can communicate that same sentiment in a number of non-verbal ways: surprise car washes, bear hugs, volunteering to see that super-shitty movie he's excited about and making it through the whole 137 minutes and previews without a single wiseass remark or complaint. Before you go crazy with the cookiegrams and blowjobs, I want to warn you about something. There's a difference between being inexpressive because you're bad at it and being inexpressive because your feelings for the other individual are weak, non-existent, or waning. It's common for people to convince themselves that they're "just not that type." It relieves you from the spooky grunt work of facing your feelings and having awkward status talks — the kind of activity that can lead to a breakup. I know the following sounds like it's ripped from the Big Book of Advice Columnist Cop-Outs, but you're really the only person who can decide that. If you're still uncertain about how you feel — and I'd be surprised if you weren't — I think you'll get your answer anyway. If you're really into him, you'll keep trying and trying to get better. If he's really into you, he'll recognize your efforts for what they are and try to be more patient. You're coming from different places — old high-school war wounds, recent relationships, your parents' marriages. How well you can get away from the "my way is right, your way sucks" mindset will be a good indicator of whether or not you'll make it.
Dear Not Tom Cruise, Be glad you're not Tom Cruise. Looks can only do so much, and most girls would take an average-looking Joe over a gorgeous egomaniac with phantom offspring and ties to a cult. A pretty smile is not enough — a guy's got to have the whole kit and caboodle. Personality is part of that, but it sounds like you've got that covered. Girls are responding to your emails in a timely fashion and are interested in setting up dates. So where are you going wrong? Obviously, it's your photos. Some steps to take before you attach your next attachment: 1. Look as Good as You Can. Get a better haircut (hint: it should cost more than ten dollars), shave that mess on your chin and spend a few bucks on fashion rags. You don't need to run right out and buy that three-hudnred-dollar tie you saw on page seventy-six, but you do need to get a feel for colors, fabrics and cuts. Even simpler: pick a man-crush and copy whatever he's wearing. 2. Take the Best Picture You Can. A successful personals picture is all about balance. You want candid, but not candid where you've got one hand on a girl and the other is holding a bottle of tequila. Clear and in-focus are a given, but you don't want it to be so close that the viewer can see every broken capillary. Send her more than one photo if you like, but not an entire collection. You're not auditioning to be a Barbizon model. 3. Find Someone to Tear it Apart. We've already established that you're not the best judge of your photos. That's why you need to do what celebs do: recruit some outside help. Get several of your best shots, and ask your friends and family to rank them. Use only the top ones. You can also post photos anonymously on a forum and ask strangers for their opinion. The upside is more privacy, the downside is the majority of feedback will be from thirteen-year-old trolls. If you're lucky (and have a strong ego), you may get some useful advice.
©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (1 Comment)
Mr. Not Tom Cruise should post his pic -- after following up on your suggestions re: putting it together -- *with* his profile. Being comfortable in your own skin is one of the traits most valued by many women, and men. Refusing to make your physical self visible from the outset suggests that you're lacking in that kind of quiet self-assurance and is counter-productive. Plus, those of us who have "put ourselves out there" kinda roll our eyes (maybe even resent) those who are not willing to take the same risk we are.
The reality is that we are not going to appeal to everyone -- just as not every woman on whatever personals site you're using appeals to you. Your current MO is not really saving yourself any anxiety about your appearance. By posting your pic, you can be reassured that whoever initially responds to you has at least a modicum of interest in you, including the physical aspects. Good luck!
Now you say something