Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.



Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend swings to the left.  By this I mean: when we go swimming, he ends up far to the left of where he started.  He’s had some spinal problems and it will take awhile before his spine gets back into good working order.
During sex, because he leans left, I receive a lot more pressure on my right side, from my pelvis to my inner thigh. It’s not always comfortable. How I can even things out? — Ms. Right

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Dear Ms. Right,

I have a similar problem with my sister. Not in bed, but any time we’re walking more than a couple of blocks. You’d never know by looking at her, but one of her legs is a tiny bit shorter than the other. Get on the wrong side of her nerdy-girl gangster lean — which is, by the way, freakin’ adorable — and you’re liable to find yourself dodging traffic, careening into window displays or tangled up in someone’s baby stroller.

Changing positions helps. So does pointing out what’s happening — as it’s happening — so she can correct it. And always, always maintain a sense of humor. I wouldn’t trade her off-kilter walking style for anything, just as I’m sure she wouldn’t trade my size-eleven, drag-queen feet which pummel her shins every time we sit across from each other at a restaurant. Okay, I’m lying. She probably would.

My sister saw a physical therapist about her deal; I’m assuming your boyfriend has done the same? A therapist can tell your boyfriend which sex positions will work best, and send him home with all sorts of unintentionally hilarious pamphlets and brochures. Feel free to tag along and ask questions, if you know he’s the type to wuss out. I rarely advocate this kind of caring-as-caretaking, but sometimes you have to forego subtlety and put your own vagina’s needs first.

 

If you’re both feeling wussy, or can’t afford a professional’s co-pay, there are tons of inspiring books out there, whether they’re niche instructional manuals or something written for a more general audience. You could also try hooking up in a different location (couch or table versus the bedroom) or a specialty sex pillow. (Prices have dropped as demand has increased!) The Liberator might be out of your price range, but something like this is much more affordable.

Finally, think about a conditioning and strengthening program, like yoga or Pilates. Even if he’s not capable, the better shape you’re in, the better you’ll be able to meet the demands of physically awkward fucking. In the meantime, take breaks and communicate often. Tell him if something’s paining you. Getting him off is good, but not at the cost of your own comfort.


Dear Miss Information,
I have a huge crush on this musician who lives in another city. We are both twenty years old and he is totally my type. I know about him from his music, but have never met or talked to him. I’m going to see him play soon. How should I go about making this happen? I know it’s unrealistic, but I really have my heart set on some kind of interaction. — Penny Lane

Dear Penny Lane,

It’s only unrealistic if you go into it with the notion that this dude will one day be your boyfriend. It takes a lot for that kind of relationship to happen: feelings, fucking and Facebook statuses must align. Being in close geographic proximity also helps. I met my current boyfriend within thirty feet of my domicile. (I initially tried FreshDirect but the guy in Customer Service called me a pervert and hung up on me.) It’s good to have a social connection: a mutual friend, mutual professor, mutual employer.

Unfortunately, the only commonality here is music. This isn’t a total dealbreaker, but it makes it more difficult to approach him. "Oh my God, I loved the show!" doesn’t differentiate you from all his other admirers. Also, it will be challenging to establish an ongoing connection. Not that you even want that. I’m just sayin’. The forecast is hazy, with a thirty-percent chance of conversation and a five-percent chance of makeout

Remember, as I’ve said in columns past, however famous he may be in his little circle, he’s just some slob who bangs on a guitar. There are a million others like him. Treat him like a person, not a demi-god. In fact, the less impressed you are, the more he’ll probably jock you. I’ve never been into guys in bands, yet I always attract ’em. It’s like how cats always are drawn to the most allergic houseguest.

As far as getting some rock-star tail, I recommend the following:

1) Show up either really early or really late. You’re most likely to catch him while he’s politely feigning interest in the opening band, or engaged in after-set schmoozing and loading out.

2) Take your ballsiest friend with you, someone who can break the ice should you panic and clam up. Make a deal: If she succeeds at facilitating an interaction, you’ll repay her with whatever favor she wants.

3) Look your hottest (duh) but know that "hottest" doesn’t necessarily translate into "Penny Lane’s Boob Shirt Bonanza." Cleavage is always a draw, but you’ll get more mileage out of so-ugly-they’re-cute vintage glasses or a really obscure movie button. If that obscure movie just happens to be his fave film, as listed on his social networking profile, well. . .I won’t tell if you won’t.

4) Buy him a drink. This is something musician dudes do for other musicians, but you don’t see it often with girls, civilians or girl-civilians. I can’t guarantee it’ll work, but I promise you’ll get noticed. Be casual, and don’t over think it. "Great show. Can I get you a shot?" or "Hey, I’m a fan. [Gesture to wine cooler/one-hundred-year-old, cask-aged brandy/ice-cold Schlitz.] Let me buy you another of those."

5) Find the band’s supporting players — girlfriends, boyfriends, roadies, managers, sound techs, etc. — and chat them up. Do it right, with a sincere and non-condescending interest, and you’ll be invited to the after-party. You’ll also be introduced to the band members by one of their own, as opposed to approaching them like a giggly fanster. That Mystery twat would call this "demonstrating higher value," but I strongly advise against donning aviator goggles and a pubic-hair boa.

Readers, have any of you ever found yourself locking lips (or other parts) with a famous, quasi-famous, or not-at-all-famous rocker? Brag it up, and help Ms. Penny Lane snag it up, by sharing your tips and experiences in the feedback section.


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©2008 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com