Miss Information

I'm sick of my virginity. Can I have a drunken one-night stand?

By Cait Robinson

Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,

I'm in a great relationship with a guy I really love and I know he loves me too. Everything is perfect except for one thing: he has a toxic ex. He and I have been together for seven months. About a year before we got together he had a really painful breakup from a four-year relationship. He had sort of grown up with this girl. It ended because she cheated.

In the first month of our relationship, we almost broke up because he wasn't sure if he was over her yet. Now he says he definitely is, but he clearly still feels a lot of anger towards her. He hates her with real fury and it kind of freaks me out. I don't really understand what her deal is at all. She moved to another country and cheated on him, but now she keeps trying to get in touch with him. We're very honest with each other, and he's told me that she tries to add him on Facebook every few months and has repeatedly messaged him saying she knows he's not over her. He replied first telling her to stop contacting him, but she won't stop.

Every time I even think about her I am consumed with jealousy and anxiety. I can't help but compare myself to her. We've discussed it, and I've admitted that I'm not entirely sure he's over her because he still hates her with such passion. I've told him that I can't feel secure in the relationship until I know that he doesn't care about her at all any more. He's said that he knows, and he's working on it, but it keeps coming back. It's like she's haunting us. He hates her so much he can't even say her name. Whenever he talks about how much he hates her, I can't help but think of that saying that there's a thin line between love and hate, and it really scares me.

Can I help him get rid of her completely? Can he hate her and love me at the same time? I love him completely and every other aspect of the relationship is amazing. I've never been so happy before and I can't see myself as happy with anyone else. He's the perfect boy except for this one thing.

— Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

Though your boyfriend's ex may not physically be around, she is still able to wreak havoc and make you miserable. The more energy you both devote to hating her, the stronger she becomes — a she-who-shall-not-be-named who thrives on the unicorn blood of your fear and insecurity.

The feelings a failed relationship brings up — anger, betrayal, spite — are not necessarily conducive to carrying a torch, though. Your boyfriend is with you now, not his ex, and his unresolved feelings for her aren't evidence that he loves you less. You have already done the right things: talked about it, respected each others' positions. The best thing you can do is change how it affects you. Remove yourself from beneath her shadow. You are not her, and that is a good thing. Stop comparing yourself, and be the girlfriend you want to be.

Your boyfriend is obviously suffering, but his ex is his issue, not yours; only he can process it. Being supportive is great, but keep an eye on how much you can handle. You aren't responsible for helping him digest his past relationship, especially to the detriment of your own well-being. To regain your sanity, look at this as an exercise in getting power back: take the energy you had invested in fearing this girl, and invest it back into yourself and the relationship. Hopefully your boyfriend can heal enough to do the same.
 

Dear Miss Information,

Is planning to lose your v-card in a drunken one-night stand a good idea? Quick background: I grew up anxious with a kind of bad home life. I've been treated for anxiety and depression; I've been in therapy and plan to start back up again soon. Truth be told, I never gave myself permission to want sex until some point in my early twenties. I grew up in a culture that didn't make me feel like I had a right to be sexual unless I was married. I had one boyfriend, many years ago, and we only got as far as second base, because I was always aware of What Should Not Be Done. It kind of sucked for both of us.

In college, a gay male friend offered to sleep with me to just get it over with. I was, uh, touched, but decided against it. I broke my own hymen a few years ago because I was sick of having it around. I know virginity is a social construct, etc., but I feel really insecure about mine (and lately, really damn horny). A good friend has been in a dry spell of nearly two years, and when she found out about my problem, she asked if I wanted it to be special or just get it over with. Lately I've been leaning toward the latter, so she offered to take me out some weekend, find some guys at a bar, and see if we could both get some. I talked to her some more about how exactly that could go down, and I trust her and feel like we could keep an eye on each other if I do decide to go that route.

I think getting it over with would make me feel empowered, even if it was awkward. Another Old Virgin Friend (hey, indie band name) thinks I shouldn't do it like this the first time, but right now I feel like something is wrong with me half the time. I'm long past expecting an orgasm of rainbows and unicorns the first go-round. The question would be if I could loosen up, stop being so damn defensive, and get into the moment enough to enjoy it. (Alcohol would help, but with my meds, I'm not sure getting soused is the best idea.)

Also, do I owe it to the potential one-night stand to tell him I've never done this before? Part of me thinks I might as well, since he'd figure it out anyway. This is all assuming I could find a guy interested in me who I am also interested in — I have a really hard time seeing myself as attractive or worthy, as my last therapist pointed out. I'm working on it, but I don't know how to just fix that overnight, and I think I deserve to feel fuckable. I guess this really all comes back to that — I want to feel desired, even if just by a random person.

— Old Not-Maidenhead

Dear Old Not-Maidenhead,

Can I play melodica in your indie band? I've got some awesome patterns for cat costumes which we can give out free with our EPs. Call me! I've got so many ideas!

Band business aside: I understand where you're coming from, but a one-night stand might not be a great place to jump-start your sexual life. Regardless of how casual you want it to be, you're still sharing your body with another human, and that's a profound vulnerability for both of you. Good sex can be fantastic; bad sex can be alienating and depressing. Take ownership of the circumstances around the encounter, and it will be more fulfilling to you. This means stay sober, invest enough time to build some rapport and trust with the dude, and keep a finger on your emotional pulse. (And, when the time comes, it also means condoms, condoms, condoms.)

The fundamental principle here is self-respect. Sleeping with the first guy to buy you a PBR won't make you feel complete. (Hey, our first single!) You owe it to yourself to find a situation in which you feel empowered and comfortable — and sober. It doesn't have to be a Britney-Spears-in-Crossroads encounter, but it should be something you're fully present for.

In short, do it on your own terms, not in a rush or under any impairments. Go to a bar and make out with people furiously — which, I promise, will prove to you how "fuckable" you are — but be discerning when it comes to whom you decide to sleep with, and under what circumstances. It's up to you how long that process takes. Design the experience as something you can go into, and walk away from, feeling good.

Commentarium (48 Comments)

Aug 06 11 - 12:23am
twj

Cait, you rock.

Aug 07 11 - 11:10am
CaitRobinson

@twj: thanks! They don't call me the Michael Flatley of the melodica for nothing.

Aug 06 11 - 12:34am
Avery

I agree. Making out will be super empowering, the sex, you should wait on. Sex can be empowering, but it also be really, really n0t-empowering. I actually lost my virginity in exactly the way you describe, only not intentionally, and I still hate that my first time was with essentially no one at all, considering how much I knew him before and saw of him after.

Aug 07 11 - 12:58pm
cbb

I also lost my virginity in the way that Avery did (drunken one-night-stand, not intentional). I should point out that, although it wasn't intentional, I was more than ready to lose it at that point.... at the same time, I should alsoalso point out that I was reaaaally drunk, and still do not know whom I slept with (I mean, I remember drunkenly blabbering on to him for a good portion of the night and, vaguely, what he was wearing, but that's the extent of it). Initially, I felt as if I "should" feel disappointed with the way that it went down. I felt too ashamed to tell my two best friends, who were in super-committed relationships. However, as time went on, I realized that I wasn't ashamed because of how I felt about the hook-up, but because of those stupid societal expectations for losing one's virginity. Ultimately, I was just relieved and happy to have gotten losing my virginity out of the way, because, surprise, I'm a big fan of having sex, and that experience allowed me to move on and have other better experiences. I'm fully aware that some people will still think that my first time sounds unattractive or even "wrong," but I honestly don't mind; in the end, it was my experience to have, and the same goes for you.

Aug 08 11 - 5:44pm
the waiting game...

I was in the same place about a year and a half ago. Sucky home life, treated for anxiety & depression, never allowed myself to be "sexual" until a few years into college. Finally decided to bite the bullet with a guy I had seen around campus and was into, and we did it following a friend's party a few months after I turned 21. Long story short, he gave me herpes. This sounds like the kind of terrible made-up story your mother tells you to scare you off sex, but unfortunately for me, it actually did happen. Although I try hard not to consider it a mistake (I met my very loving boyfriend whom I've now been with for a year a few months later, and we didn't have sex until I told him about my status), it's something I have to live with now. Just relax, it will happen in due time.

Aug 06 11 - 1:16am
Ricochet

For L1, clearly he's not over her. And she's playing some evil cat and mouse game with him if what he says is true. Whether what he says is true or not (I have my doubts) his feelings about her are very strong. You'd be doing yourself a favor and stepping out of the way. Life is full of episodes where the time isn't right, and this is one of them. He's not ready to deal with another relationship in full. Cut your losses and get out before you get hurt.

Aug 06 11 - 1:20am
slk

that is how i lost mine too...i was 21 and at a bar, met a cute guy who bought me drinks, asked me to hang out... i told myself,
1. He is very good-lucking, and he seems like a responsible and smart dude
2. I am not used to getting hit on, this is awesome!
3. I am a virgin and don't feel the need to stay that way
4. If I never see him again, at least there has to be no awkward post-sex encounters, right?
5. I am drunk, and someone thinks I am hot, woo!

the experience was not spectacular whatsoever, but not traumatizing. it was a git er done situation for me. the only thing was, the day after, when i had gone home from his apartment in a taxi alone, i felt really attached and lovey dovey to him. needless to say he did not really seem interested at all in meeting again when i texted him.
the thing is, I have incredibly low self esteem, and I too have depression and anxiety and severe body issues. but looking back, i handled it well, and it prepared me for future encounters.

Aug 06 11 - 2:01am
oh goodness

i didnt think i could possibly love you anymore.
but there you go, making a harry potter reference. proving just how wrongly i perceived the boundaries of my admiration for you.

Aug 06 11 - 2:55am
Anonasparagus

Just another version of someone who did close to the same thing. I wanted to get rid of my virginity - seemed like a useless liability at 20. Kept me from wanting to get too close to anyone because then what if they wanted to go further? What if I had to tell them I had no experience? What if I didn't want this anxiety with someone I cared about? Whatever, etc etc.

I went to a party with 3 guys I had just met at a hostel. Decided if any of them were into it I'd do it. Except I stayed sober (they didn't). They were all down by the end of the night. I picked the prettiest one. Sex was awkward, and boring, and a little bit painful. But he was a gentleman. So much so that I kinda fell for him and vice versa. Weird, anyway aside from all the email feelings that happened for months after the fact things went about as well as anyone could have possibly expected. Better even. And it definitely allowed me to be less afraid of future encounters with other people. If nothing else I never again had to do admit the "yeah I've never done this before." It just stayed at "yeah, I still don't know how this is supposed to work" for a while. Which is a much better scenario.

P.S. It turns out that I'm incredibly gay. I still don't regret it. Ha.

Aug 06 11 - 10:15am
nope

Haha I loved this story!

Aug 07 11 - 11:16am
CaitRobinson

@Anonasparagus: Oh my god, I wish every story ended with "...turns out that I'm incredibly gay." I'm rewriting "Goodnight Moon," "Fahrenheit 451," and "Pride and Prejudice" in my head right now.

Aug 07 11 - 4:13pm
somekid

LMAO!! If you could get those published I'd super appreciate it!

Aug 06 11 - 3:00am
ml

Bad sex can be depressing and a bit traumatizing, I don't think you want to handle that in your life right now! it's better to wait than to have to recover from a bad experience!

Miss info, really loved the hp reference! great advice just didn't like the picture too much, for some reason it made me think the first poster was a man at first.

Aug 06 11 - 4:14am
vv

To HD: I've been in your boyfriend's position. I had this really controlling ex, kept calling and emailing and sending me messages on Facebook for almost two years after I first told him to leave me alone. I tried ignoring him and I tried telling him repeatedly to leave me alone. Nothing worked until I blocked him on Facebook and changed my phone number. Meanwhile, I was in a new relationship with someone I really loved and wanted to be with. I hated my ex, but that was because he was trying to control me, not out of love for him. I was in love with the one I was with.

What I'm saying is that it's possible that your boyfriend really does want to be with you. See if he'll block his ex on Facebook and, if she's calling him, change his phone number. It's unfair and enraging to have to do that, but if he really doesn't want to talk to her anymore, he'll do it. If he makes excuses about cutting off ties, though, get out.

Aug 07 11 - 9:38am
Nilsby

This.

I have an ex that crops up unexpectedly every year or so, and she's surprisingly inventive in finding ways to antagonize me. You can't stop people from doing what they do.

If the boyfriend is serious about being done with his ex, he'll block her on Facebook, change his number, and keep cutting off contact every time she finds a way through. If he doesn't, he's enjoying the drama in some way, and that's not a good sign.

Aug 06 11 - 5:06am
aconcisehistory

i actually did this two weeks ago, i'm 25, i was drunk and it didn't seem like a big deal. and it totally wasn't, i had a good time. the guy told me the next morning that i should call him and that he'd like to see me again (several times) before i was going to leave town that week which sounded nice! so i did call, and he got all weird and said: "i realized that i'm going to be seared into your memory forever, cuz i was your first, and that makes me really uncomfortable," and on and on, and after a point i had to say, "look, it wasn't a big deal for me at all, i think you're trying to twist my arm into having feelings about this and taking for granted that everyone must experience life the same way as you. also, i had sex with someone else the next day." that changed his tune and he wanted to know all about this other person, etc. but i'm just sharing this to say that a lot of people cautioned me about how sex would make me feel vulnerable etc, but no one told me the other "experienced" person might be the one to flip out about it be the one with all the feelings.

Aug 06 11 - 10:15am
Kevin

Hopelessly Devoted: He could easily love you, and his hate for his ex may have nothing to do with maybe-still loving her. But the fact that he hasn't already blocked her on FB makes me wonder if he is still attached too much to her.

Aug 06 11 - 11:24am
Karolina

EmoGirl065.gliteruje.pl - shock!

Aug 06 11 - 11:27am
Kevin

Not Maidenhead: Why are the only 2 choices "special", or random hookup? Why not with a decent-seeming guy where there may not be love and an ongoing relationship, but at least some care? If a guy seems thoughtful, caring, and decent, have sex before you get too attached? Do it within a month or less of dating? There are still risks, he might not be as nice as he seemed, he might bail right after, whatever. But it's another option.

Do you "owe" it to him to tell him you're a virgin? No. Should you? Hard to say. Some guys would freak to know, and run before it happens. Some would be upset to only know after. Both kinds are kind of immature. Personally, I'd love to know, and know how you feel about it. Is it a big deal, you think we're in love, committed for many more months, etc. Or it's not a huge deal, but is something you want to start learning about. If I knew I'd be extra careful & caring & understanding, and feel like I'm doing something "important".

Make sure you've got male or female condoms! For your first time, I'd recommend male. As a male of course, female condoms are way better, but you may find them more awkward for a first time. Especially if your partner is unfamiliar with them (either partner can apply an FC).

Aug 06 11 - 12:09pm
jcruel

I'm all for the go out, make out route here. But not just "out" to bars. Go meet people, stick your tongue in their mouths, touch their cocks, let them see you naked...but as of now you've had one high school boyfriend with whom you never got beyond 2nd base. What's the rush? This stuff should be fun. There are very few times in life where finding what makes you comfortable is actually fun. Enjoy it.

Aug 06 11 - 1:26pm
JS

Cait, this was truly great advice.

Aug 06 11 - 2:36pm
cj

When I wanted to lose my virginity in my early 20s, I just hopped on that free dating site we all know and loathe, waited for the messages to flow in (ladies you really don't have to wait long), and picked the cutest coolest dude to go on a date with. After dating for a couple weeks casually we were comfortable with each other, and he had invested enough time in getting laid to put up with my crazy virgin anxiety long enough to get the job done. (Seriously, I was pushing him away with my legs without even realizing it.) Now, we ended up dating for two years, so, uh, don't follow that part of my method.....but yeah! Much safer than a random hook up, really.

Aug 06 11 - 7:33pm
Kat

I disagree. Sex isn't as important as so many people make it out to be. If you want to fuck a stranger you meet at a bar, fuck a stranger you meet at a bar. If you want a sex partner, find someone to date. As long as you are comfortable and having a good time. You don't want to rush yourself. It seems like you're ready though.

Aug 06 11 - 9:09pm
Jhemingway

I will never understand why people insist on making such a big deal about sex...too much thinking just ruins it.
Thinking is anathema to good or any sex.

Aug 25 11 - 4:32pm
Too Many People

Not thinking prior to sex results in idiots like you.

Aug 06 11 - 10:44pm
JCF

Definitely don't go out and get drunk if your medications advise against it. You don't want to be whacked out and at the mercy of the hands of a stranger. How about this instead: It doesn't matter if you are a virgin or not. Too many people put too much importance on virginity, and if you really want to rebel against the way you were brought up, the way to do it is not to let your virgin/nonvirgin status control you. Be yourself, find a nice guy you like, and take it as far as you want to go.

Aug 07 11 - 1:09am
SlackAddict

@Kat (the commenter, not Cait)
Exactly.

You know, yeah, you can just go out there and have sex. A lady's moral compass isn't between her legs, and if it's not the best sex in the world, it's not like the sky will open up and you'll be hit with a bolt of lightning. You know, even if you spent more years just waiting for whoever or whatever perfect person you're waiting for, it's not like if you have sex with them first you get some kind of trophy (despite what some Catholics may believe).

Who cares. Go out there, fuck around. Of course you can loosen up. Just do it. Chill out. Also, for god's sake, if you're not sure it's a smart thing to do at the time, don't tell them you're a virgin, guy or girl it freaks someone out to hear that because suddenly they have to deal with all the socially-imposed pressure of making sure this sexual experience is 100% perfect (the same pressure half the commentators here are putting on you.) Also, some guys would beable tell the difference, but if you don't talk too much, play it cool, and let him lead, half the guys wouldn't be able to tell, and most of the rest will be too drunk to be paying attention, nevertheless bring up their suspicions.

So yeah, fuck all this "only fuck mr. right or sex will ruin your life" kind of shit. It won't.

Aug 07 11 - 1:19am
SlackAddict

also by "don't talk too much" I just mean "not talk that much" I'm not making some bro insult that "oh, ladies are always talking, why won't they be quiet cause i cannot understand their complicated ideas"

Aug 07 11 - 10:48am
CaitRobinson

Oh my god. I wish every story ended with "...anyway, it turns out I'm incredibly gay." I'm re-writing "Goodnight Moon," "Harriet The Spy," and The Book of Revelations in my head right now.

Sep 06 11 - 1:48pm
zooeyglass

This is spectacular.

Aug 07 11 - 10:53am
CaitRobinson

I didn't get around to this in my answer, but I also wanted to give a big "hells yeah" to adult virgins. Seriously. I can think of at least five hot, funny, charming, razor-sharp people I've known who waited until their mid-20s or so to lose it. And Tina Fey has repeatedly brought up that she was 24--can't get a better poster girl than that. Whatever works for you!

Aug 08 11 - 8:35am
RG

"Hopelessly Devoted" should realize that her boyfriend can block his ex on FB. I mean, I know that doesn't solve the problem. But the guy acts so enraged about his ex trying to contact him when he can put an end to it by blocking her on social network sites.

Aug 08 11 - 11:29am
thinkywritey

Anyone who refers to a "v-card" is not ready to have sex.

Aug 08 11 - 12:25pm
Hu Jintao

"Hopelessly Devoted"'s boyfriend's ex is not "his issue." Her boyfriend's ex is a stalker. We shouldn't just demand the boyfriend to "process it" so he can "heal" past his frustrations. Just like we shouldn't expect any female to "just get over" her frustrations about any "crazy ex-boyfriend" who obsessively pursued and harassed her months after she broke up with him. "oh he's stalking you? So what, stop complaining."

That H.D.'s boyfriend gets so infuriated is pretty weird also and a red flag for anger problems or some kind of emotional dysfunction. But his ex stalking him is also a problem, which needs to be evaluated and dealt with separately, and for which the boyfriend shouldn't be held responsible. I think it is reasonable for H.D. or her boyfriend to feel anxiety or feel upset about H.D.'s boyfriend being relentlessly stalked. Perhaps not as upset as H.D.'s "infuriated" boyfriend is being, but upset nonetheless.

If the stalking continues, H.D.'s boyfriend should go to the police. Even if they won't take his concerns seriously (which happens in many stalking cases), he can file a complaint on record.

H.D. should also build a documented evidence trail of the stalking, so he can get law enforcement officials to take him seriously and send the ex a warning, or judges to take him seriously when he files for a civil protective order or files criminal harassment charges against his ex.

Getting law enforcement to send a warning is a surprisingly effective tactic. Even if it not effective, the ex's continuing harassment after being served a warning by the police will serve as convincing evidence during a hearing of the need for a protective order, an arrest warrant, or conviction.

Aug 11 11 - 1:07pm
AbroadGirl

I'm in a situation similar to HD's boyfriend - but as the 'toxic ex'. In my case, the guy seemed absolutely perfect for yeras before it became apparent that he was actually a manipulative person, who had used his past as a way of painting himself as a constant victim of girls (or life). Three years of dating later, I was able to move abroad to separate myself physically from him and his physical abuse, if not necessarily the emotional or verbal. A horrible year later, I learned that he had told his friends I had cheated on him and that he was, in fact, cheating on me. Horrible, dysfunctional, but from an incredibly good beginning, I asked him to stop contacting me. It took over a year before he finally did, and it was not until I started messaging him every few days to let him know how much I disliked him (before, I had blocked his phone number, gmail chat contact, emails, etc. but he still managed to contact me through new numbers, emails, other forms of online communication and talk about our future together and my abilities to integrate into his religiously conservative background). My sending him messages every few days isn't exactly stalking behavior - it's one way to demonstrate to him when I meant leave me alone, I really meant it. Although this girl doesn't mention very many details about her relationship with the guy, given my horrible experience in a very similar situation, I'd caution her to examine a bit more closely whether or not her boyfriend is 100% about this story because it seems a bit too contrived and a bit too much like he's victimizing himself in unnecessary ways - and, at the very least, to block the girl on FB. Count me as just too cynical about his story, knowing a horrible person who is probably telling the same one as him now.

Aug 08 11 - 1:08pm
GENE WADE

I WILL DATE YOU SWEET ONE COME OVER MY WAY NO BEER NEEDING JUST YOU HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Aug 08 11 - 3:48pm
Jeffrey

I am so there.

Aug 08 11 - 4:14pm
Trix

Dear ON-M: The most telling part of your letter for me is that there's no mention of pleasure anywhere, or what your comfort level is with your OWN body, let alone another person's. How do you feel about masturbation? (I broke my own hymen too, for medical reasons, but after years of self-pleasuring I knew what to do to make it fairly enjoyable in the end.) Are you having orgasms, or at least enjoying sensations when you're touched? If you were intimate with a guy, would you feel confident telling or showing him what feels good to you? If any of that makes you feel uneasy to think about, that's a sign that you should wait until you know more about your own sexual response and boundaries. Not expecting the world's greatest orgasm the first time is one thing; feeling like losing your virginity is a duty is something else entirely. There are tons of ways to experience sexual pleasure (with or without a partner or penetration), and you're entitled to the learning curve that will help you enjoy them. Good luck!

Aug 08 11 - 5:04pm
Formerly Over20_V

First time sex will be better if you know and like the person you are first-timing with. You can take it in stages - date, dance, kiss, cuddle, sleep, shower etc. When you're ready for intercourse, use condoms. Getting drunk and doing it with a stranger is not something I would recommend - but I'm sort of old fashioned. Plus - lots of meds don't mix well with alcohol.

Aug 08 11 - 7:37pm
real life liz lemon

I was in a similar position to you Maidenhead just over a year ago; 24, former Christian, virgin, anxious about being a virgin, just wanting to get it over with. I finally achieved this with a guy I met on OKC, in which I was only slightly buzzed, but I still barely knew the guy. I don't regret doing this even though it is one of most mortifying virginity losing stories of all time (we were on a turn-of-the-century boat, my hymen apparently wasn't broken by the gyno at age 21, there was blood, lots and lots and lots of blood, an ER visit with multiple doctor's hands inside me, nurses telling me this is the worst story they have heard but that sex gets better, and me going home with stitches in my vagina.) And although the guy ended up dumping me after we had sex for real after my stitches healed, I still have no regrets. Plus I have this awesome story to tell girlfriends/gayfriends. So I would say just be really really comfortable about the idea of losing your virginity, no matter if its with a random or someone you get to know, whether its tomorrow or 3 years from now. But either way you'll be alright and it will open up the door for new things and experiences. And believe me you ARE completely fuckable and awesome, just tell yourself that and believe it, soon people will see that in you too.

Aug 25 11 - 4:34pm
Blood Gore

Got any pictures of you healing up?

Aug 09 11 - 11:31am
Kittyhawk

If' he really wants to move on, he should stop leaving the door open. There are options to block people on facebook and there are ways to block email addresses on pretty much any email service. She's out of the country, so there are a limited number of ways she can contact him and most of them are relatively easy to block. Eventually, she'll realize her efforts aren't working and hopefully get on with her life. And he can get on with his.

If he's not willing to take some steps to cut off her methods of accessing him, then I suspect he is getting some thrill out of the 'crazy ex' situation. Or enjoying feeling helpless or angry about her. And you need to figure out if it's worth your time to stay with someone who seems to get off on ex-related negativity and drama.

Aug 09 11 - 6:23pm
Drew Harrison

HD-
I once had an ex that caused a lot of anger in me. It wasn't really about not being over her, but the amount of pain that our relationship had caused in me caused me to be angry at the thought of her. It didn't mean that I still had feelings for her, it meant that I still had wounds that needed healing.
I started dating long before that pain went away, and my new girlfriend respected my feelings, and eventually my anger went away with time. Now, we've been married for three years, and are really happy together.
It sounds like your guy's ex is a really intense person, and that she knows how to mess with his head. Chances are that was going on during their relationship, and now it's continuing afterwards. I doubt the anger is as big a red flag as other people seem to imply. But their suggestions about facebook blocking and even considering legal action are not out of hand.

Aug 10 11 - 5:34pm
R

Virginity is a gift to be given to the right person. It's not something you can reclaim or recycle. It's unfortunate and a mistake that our culture has saturated our youth with the message that our bodies and souls are of no value. And they're buying it. Hence: squander, waste, dispense. If one gets a disease, there's a pill for that; if one gets pregnant, there's abortion. All this convenience so people can continue to live out their emotionally as well as physically destructive behaviors without consequence. At one time, society put more emphasis on the value of its people, the sanctity of life, the worth of a person. I happen to belong to a dying species, I guess, believing that people are not mere pieces of fruit to be used up, leaving the remainder of a peel to throw out. But as long as feelings, bodies, and souls are biodegradable, society will be happy. At this point, those in the media and academia would have our youth believe the dirt they walk on is of greater value than themselves. The message is, destroy your life, fine: just be sure you recycle that water bottle.

Aug 11 11 - 2:45pm
NuckingFuts

So very,very true, and I agree totally. If only we were to go back.....

Aug 15 11 - 3:30pm
SomeGuy

Quite often the first time isn't that great, so it is useful to "get it out of the way". However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have some standards. Clearly, the most important thing for you to do is learn to have a quality relationship.

Finding the first time isn't as important as finding the first guy. Find someone that you are genuinely attracted to, and that you feel is a good guy. Maybe it's that kinda nerdy guy best friend you have. Give him a shot.

Aug 27 11 - 1:18am
i really can spell s

Don't make it more complicated than it is. Get arounff women who like yo get drunk and have sex. Ask nicely and at the right time you will get what you want.try to dsu something clever thts impressive when your drunk. Don't be shy thats your biggest proplem unless you're just aitoo yhigho

Nov 04 11 - 9:40pm
C

"Sleeping with the first guy to buy you a PBR won't make you feel complete" I cannot get over how indie that is. It's like an old school Metric song. Love it! please write it!

PS thanks for the letter to old not maiden-head, I'm in the same situation and now I know that drunken-one-night-stand-first-time is not the way to go. I guess I'll just tighten the vice-grip on my vag and tell my vagina that it will be okay, just wait a little bit longer. I'll just make out with guys in clubs till then. Thank you!