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September 3, 2011
Miss Information
Can I break up with a guy because I don't like the way he smells?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Info,
I met this guy, and we instantly hit it off. We're attracted to each other, we enjoy each other's company, we're interested in what each other has to say, we can talk for hours, blah blah blah. Everything seemed extremely promising — and still does, to some degree.
To my dismay, when we started becoming physical I discovered that his smell and taste are pretty repugnant to me. Not that he has bad hygiene — he doesn't — just his natural body chemistry is unpleasant to me. This has always been an important part of the equation to me. When I'm with someone who I feel super-compatible with, they smell and taste good to me, even when they're sweaty and stinky. This preference of mine has even been reinforced by articles I've read about biocompatibility, and how humans (and other animals, for that matter) select mates that have complementary body chemistry.
What should I do? On one hand, his smell and taste are pretty major turn-offs. But on the other hand, it seems like such a shallow and awful reason to break up with someone who is otherwise right up my alley. And if I do break it off, how on earth can I tell him that it's because I think he smells bad? That just seems all-around awful. Help?
— Pepe Le Pew
Dear Pepe Le Pew,
We are all slaves to our mammalian impulses, and no amount of monocle-wearing will change that. I know you know this, based off your phrase "humans and other animals." But I want to take it one step further: the more we as a species rely on our intelligence, the more (most of us) ignore our physicalities.
Your body has plenty to say, but it is also all too easy to ignore — like a toddler pulling on the hem of your sweater while you're trying to buy groceries, and dammit, Walter, can't you see mama is busy? Physical reactions like this are inconvenient and frustrating, but should be respected. Your body, after all, is in this too.
In this case, Pepe, you can hit it off when fully clothed, but that attraction comes unglued in the bedroom. If you're trying to strongarm yourself into enjoying sexual encounters, stop. Your brain can't and shouldn't override your body.
Of course, it is hard to to take this theory into practice. For starters, definitely do not tell him his smell is a problem. It will create insecurity in him about something that a) is not wrong with him and b) he can't change. But if you find that your physical interactions are really distracting and non-enjoyable for you, that's not a "shallow" reason to break up with someone. That's chemistry, and it is a harsh mistress.
If you decide you need to break it off, be clear and confident about your decision before you bring it to him. A halfhearted or ambivalent split just prolongs the experience and creates more pain than a clean break.
I also want to call attention, Pepe, to how often you use the phrase "to me." His smell is repugnant... to you. It's unpleasant... to you. Your thinking here is spot-on: it's not a fault of this guy's, but rather some breakdown between your intellectual and physical attraction. This doesn't make you shallow or awful, and it doesn't make him somehow at fault. It's an "x-factor" thing. The chemistry between you two might not work, but that doesn't mean either of you is doing something wrong.
Dear Miss Information,
I turn to you because, alas, even Cosmo let me down on this one, and I don't think Miss Manners has a cyber-sex advice offering. At forty-seven, I think of myself as a sexually confident, liberated, single woman. About three weeks ago, I cybered with a non-local guy I met on a dating site. It was really hot. Twice. I haven't heard from him and let it go — it was an interesting experience but not really sustainable.
Another guy, a local, and I, have what seems like the beginning of a relationship. We've had actual sex three times and it's been great. He's on the road a lot professionally, and I'm okay with that as long as he makes some effort to spend time with me. But recently, I've felt like this was slipping into a cyber-only situation, or more cyber than actual/physical. Today, we were both webcamming and when he was finished, he did the webcam equivalent of hanging up on me.
I probably wouldn't have been bothered so much, had I not just had a similar experience with guy #1. Okay, so spooning is not possible in this realm, and I get that men process sex differently, but I'm not a call girl. I'm not sure I'm okay with this — is cyber-sex the new normal or a way to avoid actual intimacy?
— Tired of Typing
Dear Tired of Typing,
Webcam sex in itself is neither good nor bad; it is just a human reaction to new technology. Hell, one of the first things ever printed on the Gutenberg printing press was pornography. It's almost cute how predictable we are: we get new technology, and we can't wait to smut it up.
Webcams are really just an extension of their owners. An asshole in possession of a webcam will use it like an asshole, while a saint will use his accordingly. So, your guy hanging up on you raises more questions about him than it does about the medium. In the interest of giving him the benefit of the doubt, you're right that no etiquette yet exists for sex online. If you think the problem might be a miscommunication of goals, bring it up: "Hey, videochatting with you is really hot, but I need something after, or else it feels dirty, and not the good kind." He should respect that and change his behavior. If he doesn't, then that's a red flag.
The technology itself is neutral, but how we interact with it is what matters. If you are using it strictly for pleasure — as it seems both you and the first, long-distance guy were doing — then it is, as you say, "a way to avoid intimacy" while getting a quick, orgasmic fix. But if it's in the context of a broader relationship, it could help you stay in touch when travel intervenes. From that perspective, it could even strengthen intimacy.
In short, ToT, I don't think the issue here is so much about webcams as it is about two very different situations. The first you describe is a quick one-night stand, high on sex and low on stakes. It came and went and nobody got hurt. The second one, though, is more "relationship" territory, and with that comes different expectations. Just as no boyfriend should throw a $10 on your nightstand and tell you to buy yourself breakfast, no boyfriend should simply hang up after webcam sex. You feeling mildly offended is completely valid. The best response is to discuss this with the guy, and bring humanity back to cybering.
Tags
Homosexuality
Hookups
Commentarium (39 Comments)
Le Pew - tough as it might be, trust your nose. Miss I, love your work (again).
I had to get rid of really hot girls cause of their stink. If they smelled like themselves I couldn't even get it up, but if we came from a club and their stink was masked via cigarettes I was a rock star. Its real, get rid of him.
Too big an issue to look past. Dump him.
Le Pew - there's a slim possibility you and the guy do have awesome chemistry and his smell is being affected by an illness of some kind that needs treatment ... of course how you actually broach that I don't know!
absolutely....hello pheromones
Admittedly, I've never had cyber sex, but I cant imagine it would be anything but slightly awkward.
Your cyber answer to cyber girl was spot on. Say what you need, and see what happens. More girls should live by that rule.
the only thing I would add is that some studies show that birth control can affect the "smell test" for women. In some cases it can reverse what smells good and what smells wrong. So any girl on birth control should get off it before getting hitched to her bf, to make sure she's hitching herself to someone who actually smells right...and le pew, if you are on birth control, you might consider getting off and seeing if that changes things.
I've read that same information. Except if she plans to mostly use b.c. most of her life, then she needs to be with someone who has the right chemistry for her when she's on b.c.
...or, she could use non-hormonal birth control, like an IUD. Most of my female friends from outside the United States have them, and can't understand why American women are so hell-bent on screwing up their body chemistry.
After getting an IUD, *this* American girl is never screwing with her hormones again. Who knew that it was possible to have effective birth control without choosing among side effects?
I'd give smelly a month--he could be exceptionally stressed in other parts of his life that will soon pass, or getting over an illness, etc.
Just one comment on your otherwise great advice to LW#2--she never used the words 'webcam' or 'videochat' once. Maybe it's just because I"m from an older school of Internet pervert, but 'cybersex' to me is the good-ole typed-out grunts on an AOL chatroom. I would say that this is firmed up by her calling herself 'Tired of Typing.' So, the advice is still the same, just the medium, I think, you got wrong. (A perfect example of what you said, incidentally--the medium is irrelevant, whether it was a chat, a video, a letter or a telephone call, it's really the person on the other side that makes it feel good or bad.)
Ah, dash--she did say webcam! Well, just goes to show my assumptions are no better than what I had thought Cait's were.
@Nope: Thanks for the close read! Actually, the sign-off was originally "Tired of Typing and Adjusting the Webcam," which I thought was too clunky. Though, upon reflection, TOTAW as an acronym makes me giggle.
There are SO many things that could be affecting this -- things that could be changed. His diet. The drugs he's taking (illicit or not). His personal care products (shampoo, soap, etc.). Undiagnosed illness (his or yours). As someone else pointed out, hormonal birth control is another possibility. Hell, even your mouthwash can change your sense of taste/smell. Yes, it's possible he has trimethylaminuria or something, but if you like this guy that much, it's worth trying different things.
And yeah, there really is no non-shitty way to break up with him. You could tell him the truth, which will make him feel like crap, or you could manufacture some vague excuse which will either (a) leave him feeling totally lost and hurt and like it's a mistake to ever trust anyone, or (b) make him think that there's some hidden, real reason that you're trying to be kind by concealing from him. Which would be true, of course.
(I guess this is why people so often end relationships by cheating with someone else, or otherwise behaving inexcusably. Sometimes it's easier to do that, and weather the other person's hatred, then to tell the real truth about why you want to leave and wound them to the core. Maybe it's even kinder that way.)
She's not married to the guy, it doesn't sound like an LTR...don't people just decide to stop dating? Or say it isn't working out? Or say they're not feeling like a relationship or the countless other "I just don't really want to date you" excuses? None of those things - unlike cheating, etc - should make someone feel like they'll NEVER LOVE OR TRUST AGAIN! Sure, maybe for a few days or weeks. But not in the long term.
I guess I'd ask the LW if she's really physically *attracted* to the guy. Not if she thinks she should be attracted to him, if he has a great list of characteristics, if her friends think he's hot, if he resembles other people generally presumed to be hot, etc. Smell and taste are part of physical attraction, not some completely separate thing. It doesn't sound as if the LW thinks his smell is "bad" in some objective sense - just that she's not into it, so I just wonder if this isn't basically a lack of physical attraction.
It sounds like they're super-into each other except for this, which means that real emotions and vulnerability are probably in play. Obviously he's aware of the intense personal chemistry between them, so if she suddenly breaks things off, "it isn't working out" or "I don't feel like a relationship" isn't good enough, and will sound like the crock of shit that it is.
It's not about NEVER LOVE OR TRUST AGAIN!, it's about the slow toll that flaky, dishonest behavior takes on all of us, especially when you're talking about a relationship with genuine bigtime potential (something that doesn't come along very often in life). It may not be as dramatic as when someone cheats on you, but it still leaves you a more jaded, cynical person. So I think this guy deserves better than "Sorry, it's just not working out", you know?
It doesn't sound like a relationship that has gotten that deep yet, or has big-time potential. You can't tell him he smells bad, since he doesn't have a "problem". Just tell him the chemistry you're looking for isn't quite there. Which is the truth.
We don't know whether he has a "problem". It could be something medical that can be fixed. The OP seems to think it's a permanent condition; maybe that's because she wants to think that, because she'd rather break it off than deal with his anger and hurt. It's not a deep relationship yet, but most people don't often meet someone with whom they click the way the OP described -- and people who do have a lot of "click" in their lives are usually phonier than a three-dollar bill.
The advice given by miss information is almost always so insightful and astute. She clearly cares about providing intelligent and sensitive information and spends her time formulating her responses. I just wanted to say thank you for being the best advice columnist I've read. I would write to you before writing to Dan Savage or Prudence (who gives execrable advice)
I would definitely get away from the smelly relationship. It is the kind of thing that can be deeply destructive in the long run, and is not really fixable.
I have been in that same exact situation, and it's terrible, but it's something you'll get over. Physical chemistry is a relationship is too important to ignore... yeah, intellectual and emotional compatibility are *more* important (I think), but if you don't want to just sit and sniff him every once in awhile (to say nothing of a crazy desire to, um, lick him)... ooh, you're missing out.
I'll also testify that scent is valid. "Lower" animals rely on it even more than we do and I am sure that each person's sense of smell is tuned differently, and there's variation in how much it matters. I do wonder if his diet is a part of it, or some other factor that could actually be addressed. Touchy subject. Well, smelly actually.
I had an ex who told me about a previous ex who had nasty tasting fluids. But apparently insufficiently nasty for her to ditch him. They split for different reasons.
Le Pew, your partner need to see an endocrinologist, a urologist, or a nutritionist. Throw in a dentist for good measure.
I read some study once that that a big predictor of whether a marriage (or relationship) stays together is how people answer the question "my mate smells good to me". I had a LTR relationship with someone who used to smell awesome to me, even when she was sweaty & unshowered. Eventually it got to where she always smelled slightly displeasing. We didn't break up over her smell...but maybe something chemical fell apart, leading to the rest of the relationship falling apart.
It makes perfect sense to me that scent changes over time. I don't have trouble believing that even long term emotional states have a scent. Maybe bitterness or desperation carry an odor that we pick up on subconsciously.
@Kevin I think the relationship between "something chemical" and "the rest of everything" is fascinating. I, too, had an ex whose scent that grew to repulse me--but it's hard to say which came first, the non-chemical incompatibility or the chemical one. It's all related, so perhaps isolating "what went wrong" isn't really possible, but it is something worth musing on.
@pepe, I'd want to rule out diet, illness, dental problems and bad choices of body wash. I knew someone who needed a root canal and the dying tooth gave her unbelievably bad breath. Like smell it from across the room bad breath. I also think that if you do break up, you should tell him the truth but as gently as possible.
If the problem is "chemistry"/pheromones (sounds like it) and not some problem with hygiene, do NOT tell him he smells bad and has a problem. He doesn't, he just doesn't match with you. Just tell him the chemistry you're looking for isn't quite there. Which is the truth.
If it's something that the LW is able to consciously smell, it's not pheromones.
@notfromaroundhere: Then forget pheromones and call it "chemistry". Can't YOU consciously smell a great new "mate" and think "wow, she smells wonderful/sweet/like cookies/or whatever"? If someone's skin smells great to you even when freshly showered with no special treatment, or even when sweaty, there's some kind of compatible/pleasing biochemistry going on.
I had a LTR. She used to smell good to me always, even when sweaty or unshowered. At some point years later I became aware that she now always smelled slightly dis-pleasing to me. It was like she went from "flowers" to "pepperoni". Her hygiene hadn't changed. It didn't matter if she showered. Her biochemistry wasn't working for me anymore. But she had no medical issues and her hygiene was good. Our relationship was coming apart though. Maybe it was a chemistry "problem" first. Or maybe the negative relationship was first and it affected the chemistry. Unfortunately I don't remember the order of recognizing the change in smell, and recognizing problems in the relationship.
I know what you're getting at, but nothing in your post rules out a concrete cause for the change in her smell (or your perceptions). Your relationship may have been falling apart, but that doesn't mean the smell issue couldn't have been fixed with a trip to the doctor, drugstore, or detox. Maybe your relationship fell apart in part because one of you was depressed or using drugs or whatever, and maybe that caused the change. There are just too many variables to draw any conclusions, but it seems like part of you wants to think that the change in smell was A SIGN FROM THE GODS, and that's a little silly. We're not living in a novel.
hey pepe
the same thing happen to me and i tried to stick it out but in the end i had to walk away..............
The smell thing happened to me once. I broke up with him. He died from cancer the next year, and had kept it a secret.
Ouch, that's pretty rough. I've heard some forms of cancer make people smell foul.
I've heard it before that people who are genetically similar can taste and/or smell bad to one another. Also, this could happen if he does not possess immunity to a genetic disorder you carry.
It is an important part of the physical attraction just like hair, height, weight, and figure. At one time I was confident that my smell was an attractive, natural pheromone. I smelled good to myself and to at least one woman who actually complimented me without my asking. I avoided deodorants and colognes. At the same time I was called on the carpet at work and told by a male supervisor that a female supervisor had complained about my "hygiene".
"The technology itself is neutral, but how we interact with it is what matters" I totally disagree! Technology changes the way we think and interact with each other. I'm not trying to make a moralistic claim (e.g. technology = good/bad) and I'm not trying to detract from the central point (a-holes can be a-holes / nice peeps can be nice on webcams or in person) - it's just important to recognize technology's inherent biases.