Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    I was dating this guy for about a year. It was an open relationship, and I eventually started to have stronger feelings for him. I told him how I felt. He’s always been weirded out by relationships and said he wasn’t ready for any commitments. I stopped seeing him to keep myself from getting hurt.
    He’s very flirtatious and I’ve heard he’s flirted with a couple of my friends. When I confronted him, he had an explanation but I wasn’t buying it. One night he called me over and we talked. He promised to watch himself on the flirting and said he was okay with being exclusive but wanted to take it slow.
    It’s been two weeks, and I’m really not satisfied. I initiate most of our time together and he only calls me after the bars close. We haven’t had a decent date, and when I ask him what he tells people about us he says, “Nothing, I haven’t really talked about it.” Am I being impatient? Or am I being really oblivious? What’s taking it slow? I don’t want to push him. I really love this guy, but there are other guys who want to take me out. Was it a mistake trying this out again? — Total Tunnel Vision


Dear Tunnel Vision,
    If I had to choose between impatient and oblivious, I’d go with oblivious. As in really fucking oblivious. As in "oblivious, now-with-100%-more-obliviousness!" We’re talking Tara Reid taking her boobie out for a breather at P. Diddy’s party oblivious.
    Okay, you get the point.
    I know that when we’re in love, it’s sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees. That’s why I recommend the "Whoa, what a dumbass" exercise to all my friends. Here’s what you do: Imagine you’re someone else, and you’re hearing the story of your relationship as told by a complete stranger. No explanations, justifications or asides. Just plain, unvarnished truths. For you, it’d go something like this: "Girl and boy are dating. Girl asks for relationship, boy says no. Girl and boy break up. Boy has moment of weakness and says he does, in fact, want a relationship but does everything to the contrary (only calls when he’s shitfaced, doesn’t cop to having a girlfriend, flirts with her friends). Girl is unhappy and wonders whether she’s being too demanding."
    Now, if your first reaction to this is, "Whoa, that chick’s a dumbass," that ought to tell you something about your current state of affairs. If your reaction is, "Maybe that guy needs more time," then I recommend you take a crash course in human relationships. Or hook up with that Tommy Lee guy. I hear he’s a real catch.

Dear Miss Information,
    For the first time in years, I’m dating an enlightened soul who understands that his girlfriend can be naughty and still be very good. We have wonderfully aggressive yet loving sex. He has started working in some anal play, and I have the green light to do him in return. Most of the men in my past have been really uptight about my enjoyment of sex (never mind their asses), so I lack experience in this area. I am totally willing to learn. I want my guy to know this but not be worried about the learning curve. How do I start this conversation? Is there ever a “good time” to bring it up? Somehow, I think the dinner table is out . . . — Willing and (Hopefully) Able

Dear Willing and Able,
    I would add "during an episode of Murder, She Wrote" and "while meeting his parents" to the Not a Good Time category, but otherwise I’d say go for it. It sounds like you guys have an awesome, loving relationship (AND I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR YOU), and you’ve already started venturing into backdoor territory, so why not take it all the way?
    There are a couple of ways to approach it. There’s the old trial-and-error method: just start screwing around down there, and see how he responds. Then there’s the eye doctor approach: ask questions during the act ("Tell me which one is better. This? Or this? How ’bout now?"). Or engage him in a dirty conversation as part of pre- or post-sex play and take things from there. Talking about what you like done to you in that particular region is a good way to start: "I like it when you XYZ my butt. What do you like me to do?"
    Try not to be shy. When it comes to this kind of stuff, everyone loves a newbie.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m a cheater. I’ve been blissfully married for eight years and have cheated about half a dozen times. I’m constantly on the prowl for more. Not in a sleazy way, either. I court them just like anyone. It’s not a one-night kind of thing.
    I guess I’m writing because I’m conflicted. I really, truly love my wife, but I seem to have a deep biological need to be "the man" for more than just her. I treat these women like goddesses, and I’ve been fortunate that I’ve chosen women who are discreet. When I read stories about these sixty-year-old men who finally get outed as having two families, I feel jealous. If polygamy were legal, I’d have at least three wives. Am I okay? Is this natural? I feel like a frickin’ ape. Be honest. Be ruthless. I can take it. I just need an outside opinion. I have never confided any of this to my friends. NOBODY knows. — Cheater Cheater Pumpkin-Eater

Dear Cheater Cheater,
    You’re a cheater. Fine. Cheat away. But don’t pull that "Oh, but it’s biological and evolutionary and I can’t help it ’cause I’m just an ape who needs to spread his seed" crap with me. You know what else apes do? They throw shit at people. Because human beings have evolved (or intelligent design-ized, if you’re not into the whole Darwin thing), shit-throwing is no longer an acceptable standard of behavior. The same goes for fucking everything that moves without considering other people’s feelings.
    If you envy those guys with two families, move to Utah and join a religious sect. If the pace out West is a little too slow for a swingin’ guy like you, why not do the right thing and tell your wife you want an open relationship? If she doesn’t go for it, find someone who will.
    There’s so much more I could go off about here, starting with the women you "treat like goddesses." Last time I checked, most goddesses don’t have to be “discreet,” which is really just a euphemism for shitty and sneaky. They’re strutting hand-in-hand with their beau, not tucked away in the back booth of some restaurant worrying whether someone’s wife is going to show up any second.
    But I won’t. Instead, I’ll share your invitation to “be ruthless” with my readers. I invite everyone to give Cheater Cheater the what-for, five, six and seven. I’ll post the best in next week’s column.

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