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How do I tell my husband I'm interested in women?
by Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
Several years ago — that's right, years — I wrote to the previous Miss Info, because though I'd been happily married to a man for two years, I was having dreams about women. And while she responded that I could be bored and bi, I concentrated on the bored part. Now, I've been married many more years, have a young son, and have finally come to accept my bisexuality. (Yes, I was raised Catholic — how did you guess?)
I haven't cheated on my husband, but I do want to tell him what's going on. This summer was very painful for me, and while I'm trying hard to maintain the status quo, I think he may be starting to notice how distracted I am. Telling him would contradict every piece of advice I have solicited from friends and professionals, who don't think he can handle it. But carrying this is really taking its toll.
On the one hand, maybe he's known me long enough not to be too shocked. I mean, I've told him that I sometimes fantasize about other women. (Of course, we were naked when I told him that, so I don't know if it really sunk in.) On the other, he may become suspicious and insecure and worry that I'll leave him for a woman — friends of ours split up under those circumstances. So what do you think, current Miss Info? Do I tell him and risk it, or do I spare his feelings and keep it to myself?
— Bi, Bored, and Botched It the First Time
Dear First Time,
I'm honored you have come back to the Miss Info dynasty for guidance, and I'm high-fiving Erin now, wherever she currently is. My money is on "being hand-fed truffles by a hot pool boy."
In general, if something is weighing on you this badly, you really need to bring it up. But there's a difference between "I think I'm bisexual, but I'm committed to my life with my husband," and "I think I'm bisexual and I need the space to figure out what I want." After reading your previous question, I'm with Erin: it sounds like the bisexuality could be a bit of a red herring. Girls or not, you're fantasizing about people other than your husband, and those fantasies are becoming so intense that you are "distracted" and miserable. That seems to be the real problem here, which raises the question: what's your relationship with your husband like? Have you totally checked out — with bisexuality as a helpful excuse — or do you want to stick around and work on it?
Bring your feelings up, but be clear with yourself about what you hope to accomplish. Do you want to tell your husband, just so he knows, then go back to married life? Or do you want to tell him with the implication "this relationship isn't enough for me," or "I want to try being with a woman?" The former will be a very different conversation than the latter. Give thought to what you want before you discuss it with your husband, and it may save some heartache for both of you.
Whichever you do, don't keep it in. This is the sort of thing that will fester, and, given that your husband has "already noticed how distracted you are," bottling your feelings isn't doing him any favors, either.