I'm not attracted to my girlfriend anymore, but if I tell her, it'll devastate her. What can I do?
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I am a multi-orgasmic twenty-nine-year-old bisexual woman who generally dates males. I can have strong and multiple orgasms simply from penetration. They usually start off small (but still rad) and in waves, but there really isn't any orgasm-level predictor. My problem is: after reading so many articles and things about women who regularly fake orgasms, I worry my partner or partners will think I'm being a big ol' faker, even though I'm basically shaking and can't make words. I'm also an occasional squirter, but I'm totally fine with it and most of my partners have been too. But I'm growing self-conscious about my frequent orgasms, because a past partner accused me of faking, and I don't want people I'm fucking to think I'm manufacturing or exaggerating my pleasure.
I actually have met someone who I think I could start an amazing relationship with, but I fear he'll be skeptical as well. I can't find a damn thing on the internet other than cheesy-looking self-help sex books about how to have multiples. What's a girl to do? Help!
— Tell Me About My Vagina or Something
Dear Tell Me About My Vagina,
Here's five dollars — go grab a cup of coffee and do a lap around the building. I need to have a quick chat with every other female in the world.
Okay, everyone else: I can't believe "faking it" is still a thing. Seriously, ladies and lady-bodied individuals: stop fucking faking it. Look at what you have wrought! Poor "Tell Me About My Vag" can't enjoy her effortless multiple orgasms because of you. I hope that stings.
Joking aside: faking an orgasm should basically never happen, ever. First, it cheats you out of a good time. Second, it cheats your partner, who, if they're worth their salt, should really want you to have a good time. Third, it sets up unrealistic expectations in your partner ("Man, she really loves it when I pinch that fat on the back of her arm!") which, if left unchecked, will lead them way off the path. Fourth, it can contribute to egos your partners didn't earn or insecurities they don't deserve. Sex isn't Munchkins Kickball; you don't have to hand out "Congratulations, Participant! You Tried!" trophies. You can have good sex without it being a linear start-middle-orgasm pattern. For the good of humanity, please: stop faking it.
All right, Tell Me About My Vag, how was that latte? Good? So glad to hear it.
When it comes to convincing your partners that, no, you really are enjoying it that much, less is more. The more you explain, the more it becomes a case of "the lady doth protest too much." It doesn't necessarily need to be a conversation. Just do your thing. He will probably be thrilled to be with a girl who shakes the light fixtures loose. If he brings it up, just tell him the truth: "That is just me, and no, I am not faking it. I'm just biologically gifted to have orgasms constantly. You're welcome!" The longer he sticks around, the more he'll see first-hand that you're not lying, and whatever nervousness he has will fade.
For the record, I think the partner who accused you of faking it was speaking out of his insecurity, rather than out of you doing something wrong. From that perspective, he's the one who got screwed over — he's been with partners who were lying through their teeth, and now can't tell the difference. Tell him to send his therapy bill to Cosmo. I'm sure they'll be happy to reimburse him.
Dear Miss Information,
I recently moved in with my girlfriend of ten months and four of her close friends. We care about each other very much, but my sex drive has fallen greatly in the relationship. She has noticed and brought this up with me several times. Her previous relationship of five years took a similar turn, and ended with her being cheated on. It crushed her self-respect, leaving her a vulnerable, insecure mess.
She needs reassurance from me that she is attractive and loved, and I find the words getting caught in my throat, like it would be dishonest for me to reassure her. I know that she loves me more than I love her. I don't even feel attracted to her anymore, and I find myself looking for a way out. But I can't think through how or even why.
I know it's crazy, but not being attracted to my girlfriend just seems like such a petty and shallow reason to break up with her. Given how insecure she is about her self-image, I can't bring myself to be the guy to discourage her even further. She has been out of work for months and doesn't have a dollar to her name, and could not afford to live here without me. To break things off with her would be devastating, and I would be shunned by our four other roommates (as well as my immediate friends), and would be left alone. The guilt and self-loathing seems so close I can taste it.
I'm still trying to make this work out, to see past this cynical attitude and count my blessings. She asks me directly at least once a week if I still love her. I can't bring myself to say that I don't. I care about her very much, but everything I'm going through feels ugly and cruel, and none of it is fair to her.
Should I continue to try to stick this out? Or just find a more appropriate moment, or the right words, or the right reasons, and move on with my life? Or should I just end this ASAP, because leading this on like this isn't fair to her? What is the right thing?
— Rock and a Hard Apartment
Dear Rock and a Hard Apartment,
One of my least favorite adages is "Relationships take work," because it gets misused as justification for prolonging shitty situations. Yes, like anything, relationships take "work," but they shouldn't take "constant struggle." It's the difference between "All right, I'll skip my softball game to have dinner with your family" (work) and "If I close my eyes when I kiss you, I can almost suppress my gag reflex" (struggle). If you're miserable, no amount of Protestant Work Ethic will turn that train around.
Your relationship is so young, though, that I wouldn't slash and burn just yet. Moving in together very likely put too much strain on a relationship that wasn't yet ready to withstand it; your sudden loss of attraction may not be about your girlfriend at all, but rather a shock reaction to a stressful situation. Either way, it sounds like you need to take a few steps back. Consider moving out first and foremost, then plotting your next move. Presumably at some point you liked her enough to think living together was a good idea. Is that part of you forever dead? Or does it just need some space?
As far as her financial issues go, they are not your burden — give her at least a month's notice and/or consider helping with the rent for a month or two more, if she absolutely can't find someone else in time. But if you are paying all of her rent and her entire ability to stay in the apartment is contingent on you, that is a seriously unhealthy dynamic, and it should change, regardless. It's going to be rocky and it's going to suck, but nobody in a ten-month-old relationship should be financially dependent on their partner — much less a partner who's having doubts.
It sounds like you put yourselves into a tangled situation, and it will take precise moves to get you out. You owe it to your girlfriend to be considerate, gentle, and honest. But you don't have to carry her crosses for her.