Not a member? Sign up now
February 19, 2012
Miss Information
My ex-boyfriend won't stop calling me — what should I do?
by Cait Robinson
Have a question for Miss Information? Email missinfo@nerve.com.
Dear Miss Information,
This morning I woke up and realized that my boyfriend was playing with my bum. I was confused, so I pretended to keep sleeping. I'm a heavy sleeper and this has happened before — once I woke up and he was fingering me quite aggressively actually, and another time I thought he was trying to initiate sex, but when I woke up he just said, "Shhh, go back to sleep." That time, I was so sleepy I just went back to sleep, but this time I'm not sure what to do about it.
Is this normal? How do I tell him I'm not totally comfortable with this, since he's never asked if he could do that to me while I was sleeping? For the record, I'm twenty-two and he's twenty-eight, and we've been dating about four months.
— WTF?
Dear WTF?,
Nope, this is not normal. If your boyfriend was sixteen and didn't understand sexual activity, he might get off with a warning and probation. But he's twenty-eight, so he has no excuse.
If you're asleep or unconscious in any way, sexual activity is not consensual. Sometimes awkward fumblings do happen in attempts to initiate sex, but your letter nixed that possibility — he seems to be using you particularly while you are asleep. Unsettling on many levels. Not only do you have a right to bring it up, you have an obligation to.
I'm not terribly optimistic about what a conversation could do, though. Based on a very limited data set, he sounds like a creep. This situation is worth a stern talk, but more importantly, a hard look at whether you should be with someone you don't feel safe sleeping next to.
Dear Miss Information,
Several years ago I began a lukewarm relationship with someone who lived a few hours away. We hit it off great as friends, had a lot in common, and spent a few years in not particularly sexual monogamy. Eventually I realized that I didn't feel what I needed to feel to continue it. When he had to move back to his home state, I wanted to break up with him.
He begged me to stay with him, so we compromised on a more open relationship. I got to have a fuck-buddy, and he was welcome to do the same. That worked out for about a year, but his tone over the phone always seemed laced with jealousy — he couldn't stop asking about the fuck-buddy. I grew the balls to just break up with him, which he seemed to take okay, and we remained good friends.
Many months later I acquired another boyfriend (not the fuck-buddy.) When my ex found out about that, he began calling, IMing, and texting more. His texting and calling began interrupting my dates, and he'd ask way too many personal questions about who I was with, even asking about the old fuck-buddy occasionally. I'd put my foot down and tell him to knock that crap off. He'd retreat from the subject for a while, then he'd start back up weeks later.
I finally told him to stop speaking to me when it became obvious he couldn't keep his nose out of my personal affairs, and I cut him off entirely from my life. I told him I would no longer communicate with him for any reason. I couldn't make this any clearer to him without tattooing it on his hands.
Since then, he's called and emailed me every few months later asking if I'm still mad at him. I don't reply. My contact info remains the same three years later. I won't hear anything from him for three to six months, and then he'll barrage me with phone calls and/or text messages for a few days (at one point for up to a week), which I ignore.
Is this stalking? Should I just pick up the phone? I know it won't be good for me, and I don't want him back in my life. Would a restraining order stop him? Should I go one step further and call his mother about this? What are some alternative actions that don't require me to change two phone numbers and my name?
— 867-5309
Dear 867-5309,
When dealing with someone who has so thoroughly surrendered their grasp on reality, I sometimes find it helpful to imagine them as a particularly ill-behaved puppy. This makes them seem more pitiable and less threatening. It also makes me be more explicit when dealing with them. You can't expect a puppy to understand cause-and-effect relationships, so you have to make sure to keep messages simple and clear. You also need to be firm, or else that puppy will decorate its bed with your mangled sweaters.
To strengthen your boundaries, try calling your ex out of the blue, rather than answering one of his calls. (Picking up the phone when he's calling you would reinforce bad behavior.) Tell him he is making you very uncomfortable, and that the calls and texts need to stop, period. Do not have a conversation, and do not indulge any possible "what-ifs." Deliver your message and get out.
The fair warning is important: even though you already said it, you're emphasizing for him the fact that nothing has changed, and that his actions have repeatedly crossed the line. Then give it a few days for the message to settle. If he does not go quietly into the sunset, contact mutual friends who may be able to help him get perspective. It's likely that his friends don't realize he is doing this, and possible that the shame of having to defend his actions will get him to stop. If you are close with his mother and think she can be trusted, you can work that angle, too.
Be sensitive when talking to friends or family, though. Stick to the facts, and avoid emotionally loaded statements. You are not trying to start a witch hunt; you just want the calls to stop. A simple, "Hey, [Ex] has been calling me multiple times a day for the last few years, and it is really difficult for me to handle," would suffice. No name-calling, no "and he destroyed my favorite pair of loafers!" Keep it firm and polite, and hopefully the constant contact will taper and stop.
If the harassment gets worse — or if he ever shows up at your house or office, or threatens you — then get the law involved and change your contact information. But as long as his calls are "annoying" rather than "creepy," a little peer pressure can go a long way.
Need to meet someone new? Check out Nerve Dating.
Commentarium (49 Comments)
Great advice. I am in the same position as LW2, except the calling ex is the one who broke up with me! It's been months since the break-up, and he calls up every other day "to see how I am doing". I think he partially feels guilty and also enjoys the fact that he still can make me pick up the phone. I may have to leave town!
I hope you are kidding about leaving town. No need for such drastic action. "I think he . . . enjoys the fact that he still can make me pick up the phone." - Just stop picking up the phone. Never, ever answer his calls. If you answer one call after a long period of not answering, he will learn that if he just keeps calling, eventually you will answer. Don't answer. Please see Gavin DeBecker's _The Gift of Fear_. So good. So sensible.
Agreed, Nashville. Creeps who won't stop calling need to know that you will never, ever pick up the phone or answer a letter or e-mail. For this type of stalker any contact, even a brief "Stop calling, I'm serious" is a win because it indicates that he still has the ability to get a reaction from the callee.
I have the same issue. BUT he is such a nice guy. This is serious. You need to make a police report, a benign one. A "harrassing phone call" report. It's the type of thing that needs to be built upon, in order for any legal reprecusions to come to him. But it is groundwork. and you need to start somewhere. he is bothering you, and what if the person who you could really make it work with, starts having real concerns about the fact that even though you want this door to close, it hasn't. you need to do something. now.
A "harassing phone call" report--I didn't know such a thing existed! Great tip. Thanks.
I know how LW2 feels. Only in my case, my ex was a drunkard and meth addict. I finally became fed up of taking care of him and covering for him. I broke up with him, which allowed me to pursue a relationship with a fantastic guy who shared my ambitions and common interests. I've never been happier.
My fiance and I are about to celebrate our two anniversary and my ex is still calling me and spamming my voicemail. I second Cait on not answering the phone. I accidentally picked up last month, expecting a call from someone else, and found out that he hasn't changed one bit. Guys like him don't change. The best thing to do is to ignore his calls, erase the messages he leaves without listening to them, and have a quick laugh about with your partner regarding the fact that he just doesn't GET it.
This way, the calls will no longer seem threatening, and if you treat it like a monthly routine, it becomes mundane instead of upsetting. And in the future, you can change your number on your own terms, not because you felt like you were driven to it.
If you're uncomfortable with it talk to him about it. But I take issue with the idea that initiating sexual contact with your partner is always wrong if they're asleep.
Really would we all be wringing our hands if a guy woke up to head? I doubt it.
But the guy clearly isn't trying to initiate sex--the LW made it clear that she was told to go back to sleep when she thought that that was what was going on. She also made it clear that she has never given permission to be touched while she was asleep.
It's a false equivalence you're creating here. If a guy woke up to head that he didn't want and his girlfriend stopped when she saw he was no longer asleep AND he was uncomfortable with it, then yes, we would all be wringing our hands. Both men and women have the right to clarify their own definitions of consent, whether that be "Sure, do whatever to me when I'm asleep", "Initiate and wake me up", all the way down to "Don't touch me if I'm not fully cognizant of what is happening". This LW is clearly not into it and her boyfriend isn't trying to get her on board; THAT is why we wring our hands, not in an attempt to stop everyone everywhere from having some sleepy sex.
Consent is not hard, damn.
I'm not discussing her issue in particular, just this line.
"If you're asleep or unconscious in any way, sexual activity is not consensual."
Why take issue? You can't consent to anything while you're unconcious. Now, if you have previously given your partner permission to make sexual contact with you while you're asleep, that's a different matter, but absent that, no, it's not OK.
Does anyone else think the idea of contacting his friends or mother is totally off? Just ignore the calls.
Yes, it's off. Involving others in the drama isn't constructive.
Regarding the response to the first letter, what about a woman waking a guy up with a blowjob? Does that count as totally creepy behavior cause he's asleep and I'm initiating sexual activity?
Not creepy at all!
Initiating sex when the other person is asleep is perfectly normal spontaneity. Everyone I've been with has liked it when I've done it. People are different, though, and if this particular woman is uncomfortable with it, she's entitled to say so and her boyfriend absolutely MUST respect that.
Just because us guys generally like sex, it doesn't mean that our bodies are completely available. I wake up with wood because I have to piss not because I want some girl to lick me. You should bring it up before hand. "So do you like to be woken up with head?" is a great question and I bet many men and women would answer it differently.
Honestly, yes - you got it. It's not the same waking up someone with sex than waiting for someone to be asleep to make sexual advances on them. I wouldn't mind my boyfriend waking me up to have sex. I would get extremely pissed if I woke up to find my boyfriend on top of me. Consent is the key.
LW1-
On the one hand, I think that people with whom one is in a relationship get a bit more leeway when it comes to implied consent in a pre-existing sexual relationship. On the other hand, however, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to tiptoe around the idea of bringing up something you don't like. It's like this: if he was melting your Tupperware in the oven, you wouldn't "wait until the right time" and then gently bring up that Tupperware doesn't go in the oven. You'd smell plastic and probably not be able to help saying, "What the fuck are you doing?! That doesn't go in there, idiot! Jesus!"
Well, the same exact reaction can certainly be applicable to unwanted intrusions of your genitals. And if you bust him at it again, or even if you feel like you can't trust him to respect your space when you sleep, then end it.
LW2: Yes, it's stalking. Don't talk to him, at all, ever. That's just like tagging him "You're It" in his endless, creepy game of stalker tag, and prolongs the game. Make a rule in your email program that automatically deletes or bounces his emails before you see them. And really, change your number. Yes, it's an inconvenience and you "shouldn't have to" and blah blah fucking blah, but do you want to play "woulda coulda shoulda" or do you never want to hear from him again? Change your number.
I do not agree with the advice to LW2. She should continue to ignore his calls. If he texts her or sends a picture message she should respond immediately with a curt reply saying he needs to stop contacting her because she feels she is being harassed in writing. Warn him if he contacts you again you will file a restraining order. Then if he contacts you again--go FILE THE RESTRAINING ORDER. It does not cost anything to pull the paper, and he will be sent a legal notice that a hearing will occur. I guarantee this will get him the message that you really are serious about him leaving you alone. Keep documentation that you asked him to stop in writing so that when you go to the police you will have proof he is harrassing you. In fact, keep records of all his calls and messages.
Contacting him first would suggest YOU WANT to talk to him, which sends a mixed message if you truly want to be rid of him.
I have had this experience and the only way to stop it is to go to the law.
A lot of people like to be "woken up" to sex, and it's not always wrong for people who are already in a sexual relationship to start something while the other person is asleep. The key to why this is OK and why LW1's boyfriend's actions are not, is that the object is to wake the other person up, and for things to continue from there. (Or, for the other person to say, No, not right now, if he/she is really not up for it.) LW1's boyfriend wants LW1 to stay asleep. That implies he gets off on doing things he's "not supposed to be doing" to people who can't tell him to stop. Very troubling, and makes me wonder what would happen if you ever had kids.
There's also the fact that sleep sex is kind of a fetish for some people. That does NOT make it okay for him to do it in an unnegotiated, nonconsensual way, but if she (he? Gender of LW wasn't clear to me) feels the BF isn't too creepy, maybe just awkward and embarrassed about a fetish, it's worth discussing. This was a big turn-on for my boyfriend, and we negotiated that it was okay, and that in those situations, if I did wake up (which I pretty much always did, I mean really, it's hard to sleep through fucking!) I'd pretend to be asleep. It was kind of fun . . . that whole consensual/nonconsensual powerplay thing. I have friends who take it a step further, with her taking sleeping pills so that she can have the experience of being "ravaged" in her sleep. In fact, my BF and I managed to pull that off once, after I ran a marathon, when I was so exhausted that I just crashed and he really could do stuff with my unconscious body. Anyway, point being, he may be more of a fetishist than a rapist. But again, that does not make it okay if it's not negotiated and agreed to. Just maybe another way to approach the conversation.
LW1's letter is disturbing in so many ways that I can't understand how someone that offers advice for a living (Cait) doesn't seem to grasp on the gravity of the behavior of this woman's boyfriend... Have a conversation? REALLY? (!) WTF!!!!(?)
I don't know about you guys, but on Cait's advice to LW1 I'm missing on how this woman needs not only to leave the creep ASAP, but report his conduct to the authorities. I know that the "data-set" is in fact "limited," but a guy that gets-off on fumbling or having intercourse with women while in their sleep has serious mental health issues and his behavior is borderline that of a sex offender (not someone "you don't feel safe sleeping with").
Calm down, sexual activities with your sleeping partner aren't on the level of a sexual offender, I think they just have a lack of communication.
Yes, and that "lack of communication" occurs when you try to put your fingers in another person's ass while they cannot comment on it. Seriously, everyone listen up, penetrating a partner while they are asleep is not something you should do unless you have agreed to it while both of you are awake. As someone who has woken up to penetration: this can be a truly terrifying experience--one that makes you feel unsafe next to someone you thought cared about you. Sex without consent is rape.
Good lord. I once woke up up inside my girlfriend. I had been sleepwalking more or less and initiated sex with her. I had NO idea what was going on when I woke up. Did she rape me because I didn't consent? Hardly. I've woken up to a blowjob before. Was that rape? No.
Jesus people are making a mountain out of a molehill here. Is this something you should do with a new partner? No. Is is it something nearly every couple does once they're comfortable and establish boundaries, yes. And no one on earth wants to have to discuss every single sexual encounter before hand. How romantic!
I'm sure that sexual activities with your sleeping partner aren't at the level of a sexual offender, when your sexual partner has offered consent. And consent is not something that is implied, it is in fact something that needs to be offered explicitly.
In what LW1 recounts there has been no consent, on the contrary. In this case trust has been awarded and the person initiating the sexual act has taken that trust to inadvertently to the recipient consummate a sexual act. In my book if consent needs to be granted (as is the case for any sexual act between consenting adults) it is not a matter of act first and ask later, it in fact needs to be asked first and and only then if permission is granted can you follow through.
From what we can read, this guy hasn't even asked for consent.
Consent hardly needs to be granted for any sexual act. My girlfriend does not have to ask me every time, "Is it ok if I blow you". Just like I don't have to ask every time before I initiate sex, feel her up, or whatever. Why? We exist in a state of implied consent.
Frankly no sexually active adult does what you're saying. No one prefaces every first kiss with, "may I kiss you?" No one prefaces every sexual act with, "may I do this?" Neither do you.
People are taking a trouble situation and trying to extend it to play victim olympics.
rob I think you are just playing devil's advocate through density but I'll play along. There are a fuckton of indications towards consent that people give while awake. They may not actually say "oh yes I would like you to continue this blowjob you have my consent" but they have a lot of nonverbal clues that are saying those things.
You know who does not give positive nonverbal affirmations? A fucking sleeping person! God damn this is not difficult. And the difference between initiating sex on someone who is asleep (waking someone up with a blowjob, for example) and just trying to fuck someone while they sleep is a mile fucking long. And the bottom line is, you cannot tell someone else that they were not violated. Her consent WAS NOT GIVEN. She FEELS violated. The shit you are projecting onto her is fucking irrelevant. Her situation is her situation -- it is not your situation. And this guy is definitely at the level of sexual offender. He is a fucking creep and she needs to get the fuck away from him. Even if he promises to stop sticking things inside of her while she is asleep -- how the fuck can she possibly believe him?
It is fucking disturbing how many people showed up on this thread to defend sexual activity without consent and aggressive, stalking phonecalls. Both of these letters have women in situations that could escalate to real danger very easily, and it is straight up rape culture bullshit that ANYONE is telling them to talk it out or reason with these guys. These guys have not given a fucking whit about the women's feelings, safety or privacy, and these women can and should do what ever they need to do to make themselves as safe as possible.
I mean god damn this commentariat is all about riding people into the ground when they cheat, are condescending, or mean, but not when they actually stalk and molest? The fuck is that about?
Did you even read the reply above me? You realize I'm replying to this person specifically?
"And consent is not something that is implied, it is in fact something that needs to be offered explicitly. " - Them
See? Did you read that? Try putting things in context. That person obviously would disagree with
"but they have a lot of nonverbal clues that are saying those things." - You
Also, since you're clearly incapable of reading in context.
"In my book if consent needs to be granted (as is the case for any sexual act between consenting adults" -Them
"And the difference between initiating sex on someone who is asleep (waking someone up with a blowjob, for example)" - You
The only person projecting is you. Try to keep in mind that we can discuss things in this, that aren't directly related to the letter above. I find it telling that you think it's ok to initiate oral sex with a man whose asleep, and don't see that as a sexual act worthy of calling rape. It's not rape if you use a mouth!
And yes it is her situation, which is why I'm calling the blanket statements, which are not given as relevant only to her situation, a bunch of bullshit. Do me a favor and don't project your hypocritical, absolutist, ideas onto me. Or at least do me the favor of realizing that I'm not even talking about her, I'm talking about what people are advocating for everyone. Ideas that most adults would laugh off in the bedroom but give lip service to in public.
@Rob, I would totally buy your argument if it where not for the fact that this woman didn't offer consent while awake and when this is happening is asleep (nor does she feel comfortable with the fact - reason why she is asking for advice).
Really, I will stand corrected if you can point me towards exactly what nonverbal clues might be given to offer consent while asleep... In the mean time this guy is in fact a sex offender and should be reported to the authorities.
Also, I do believe that it is different for us men than for women, just because it is cute to be woken-up to a blow job doesn't mean you can wake a woman up to having your fingers up her, also if she wakes up alarmed at what you are doing you need to stop, not ask her to go to sleep because you want to keep on doing it.
Welp, no point in arguing with a sexist then. Especially when, like I said, I wasn't discussing her situation. There's no argument concerning her to buy. Have a nice day bigot.
Listen, the fact that I recognize that women are different from men doesn't make me a sexist. Very much like you believing that explicit consent is not warranted in a situation like the one exposed doesn't make you a sex offender... until you do and act on your belief.
In any case, there is no need for name calling, but now that you've mention it, I'm sure that showing respect for women and for how there are different boundaries for what is acceptable behavior doesn't make a bigot. Felling entitled to fuck a woman while a sleep and diluting yourself and acting upon "non-verbal clues" while someone is unconscious (asleep or otherwise)... well that makes you a sex offender no doubt! Think Dude has a point about your projections.
So I can see both sides of the argument. What kinda weirds me out is that her boyfriend goes straight for her ass while she's sleeping. As a girl who doesn't like that area of her body penetrated, I would have the more gut reaction to say "no thanks" right away. And I think people would agree that anal isn't the most mainstream sex that couples might engage in (by "mainstream" I just mean something that really goes without saying). Honestly, I would understand if he were playing with her boobs or vagina but I just think that anal sex is something that should at least be agreed upon while the one on the receiving end is in the right state of mind.
@thinking about it,
as I wrote below, I used to date someone who was into sleep play (again, don't know if there's a better term), and while I disagree with you about anal as not being mainstream, you are right about the rest. One of our ground rules was NO ANAL while I was unconscious, You really don't want to wake up to anal fissures or a tear in your colon, and your partner has no way of knowing whether he just hurt you or not since you are not able to say 'OUCH' or 'Needs more lube' or 'SAFEWORD!!'. Really, leave the ass alone.
(Another rule was to LUBE THE FUCK UP before any kind of vaginal penetration. Don't shove dry things up a dry vagina, because that shit hurts the next day. Men can be really oblivious to some things.)
Basically, the whole thing should be treated like any other kink or fetish: Talk it out before you surprise your new boyfriend or girlfriend with it.
I mean, people into watersports don't just start pissing on their dates on the off chance that they might be into it, just like BDSM aficionados don't punch random people in the face to find that special someone.
That is unacceptable, and so is LW1's behaviour.
Make a mountain out of a molehill.. rape culture personified and at work! HUZZAH!
LW1: Time for a talk with the bf. What's this about? Is he angling for anal sex but doesn't know how to ask for it? Is it all about your being unconscious while he does things to you? If so, tell him you don't like that and will have to re-think the relationship if he does it. (But then you have to follow through.) I wouldn't address this in bed. Sit him down when you're both clothed and wide awake. And if the two of you don't feel comfortable having a frank conversation about sex, then maybe you shouldn't be having sex.
LW2: Agree completely with j9 about sending the wrong message by contacting him. He won't hear the content of what you say. All that will sink in is "She called me!" and that will mean his persistence finally paid off. If you talk to his friends and they talk to him, the same thing will happen. Even if it doesn't give him direct contact with you, it will show that you're thinking about him. Do not engage, period. I think you've made your position clear enough to go for the restraining order now - he doesn't need a warning for you to take legal action after this much harassment.
This is the worst advice I've ever seen in and advice column:
To strengthen your boundaries, try calling your ex out of the blue, rather than answering one of his calls. (Picking up the phone when he's calling you would reinforce bad behavior.)
Never call a stalker.
The only answer correct answers to LW2 involve call blocking, number changing, and identifying his e-mail as spam.
DO NOT CALL HIM. This advice was shockingly bad. Do not call his mom or his friends. If anything, email him and tell him that if he doesn't stop it, you will file a restraining order. And maybe attach a photo of the paperwork, already filled out and ready to go.
Hate to pile on because Miss Information is usually so good, but agree with the other posters: LW2, do not call that dude.
LW1 gave me the creeps. It sounds like he wants her to be asleep while he "aggressively" penetrates her. For me a conversation would almost be pointless, if I don't feel safe sleeping next to someone it's DTMFA time. Wow.
And I've had the same situation as LW2. I think a restraining order is a little excessive provided his behavior doesn't move into stalker territory. The phone calls just sound annoying rather than threatening. I would answering his call once to let him know you do not want to hear from him again in any form, ever, and then blocking his number. Time should take care of the rest.
LW1: DTMFA. He's a major creep at best, and a sexual predator at worst.
LW2: Don't call him. Don't acknowledge his calls in any way. Contact will only escalate his behavior. Block his email and phone number so you don't have to worry about it.
LW1
Your BF seems to have the same fetish my ex has. I don't know if there's an official name for it, he just called it his Sleeping Girl Fetish.
Other than your boyfriend though, he didn't spring it on me. I had noticed that he had trouble finishing during 'normal' sex and asked him if he had any special preferences, and he told me exactly what he liked, but was very reluctant to act on it even after I gave my explicit consent.
He would never have just started fondling me without having a conversation about my boundaries (and I would have noticed, I'm a very light sleeper), because he respected me. And that made it easier for me to trust him enough to eventually let him do his thing (and as it turned out, I really liked waking up to fingerbanging).
It's not any creepier than slapping your partner around or shove things up their asses; do it to someone without consent and you're an sociopathic asshole. Do it to someone who enjoys it, and you are marriage material. Simple as that.
tl;dr: Dump him. Not because of his fetish, but because he is not mature and/or well adjusted enough to consider your boundaries. Seriously, dump him.
LW2
Don't call him. Don't contact his family and friends. Stalkers feed off of drama. Don't create any. Change your number and email, tell your friends to not give your contact details out to anyone. Only if he starts showing up at your house, call the police.
Having a fetish is great. Acting it out with a consenting partner is cool. Imposing it on a nonconsenting partner is not cool, and smack dab in the middle of DTMFA territory. It's nice that your ex had the common courtesy to include you in his sex life rather than using you as an unwitting prop.
To LW2: I agree with the above commenters: calling him or his mother will likely fuel his behavior. I had a similar situation where an ex called me and emailed me for TWO YEARS after I had already clearly said to leave me alone. If you can block his number, it's a good idea, but changing your number gives you more control. Then he can't just change his number to call you (again, one of my ex's tactics). I hated changing my number at first, but after about a month, I realized that the headache of changing numbers was so trivial in comparison to the giant headache of my ex's incessant calls. Of course, your situation may be different. That's just my two cents.
Email is trickier since some email providers don't allow you to block specific email addresses. My ex emailed me once again after I changed my phone number. I emailed back and said, "You are stalking me. Stop stalking me." It seems actually naming it as stalking hit home as I haven't heard anything since, and that was several months ago.
Again, I realize your situation may be quite different, and so much of handling these situations is judgement call. I just added my comment in case any of it might be useful to you.
Thank you for addressing the important issue of sleep sex and consent. I also experienced something like this from a boyfriend and it ruined my trust for him. He claimed to be asleep which made it hard to determine how angry to be but I felt violated nonetheless. That is called Sexsomnia. I have even had a boyfriend think it is cute to initiate sex the first second I wake up, and have had a vaginal tear/blister happen that way, that ended up getting infected, that completely fucking sucked. These things happening to me have definitely made it harder to get close to people so yeah, it's definitely important to get consent and if you're going to molest each other in your sleep, you better talk about it first because it's pretty scary if you don't.
Bad, bad, BAD advice for LW2. NO talking to him. Nothing. Even out of the blue will be positive enforcement of what he's doing. And telling his friends or family???!!!! That could set him off. No one sane continues in the manner he is for this long.
1) It's stalking
2) Read Gift of Fear
3) Call the cops and ask to speak to someone that handles stalking cases
4) For the love of God (or of no God) change your damn phone numbers
5) Don't talk to him or to any of his friends/family
I hear all of the comments above and I appreciate the input, for sure.
In my experience with stalking (via a close friend), restraining orders were surprisingly hard to obtain and the phone company would not block numbers. In the end an opportunity to get to the stalker via a friend of his presented itself after a few years, and it worked organically from there. However, I recognize this is not always the case. Many commenters seem to have specific experiences that indicate otherwise--in fact, a shocking number of you. Thank you, everyone, who chimed in.
L#1.........I think it's called a sleeping beauty fetish and I was actually kind of surprised how common it is, well it's common enough that there's a movie (a regular movie, not porn) about women who get paid to take sleeping pills and get fondled while they sleep, (it's probably just an extension of tying someone up and/or blindfolding them, being able to do what you want/try something new without worrying about looking good doing it or other reasons for it, power, blah blah). I'm not saying it's okay that her boyfriend is doing it without consent because it is most definitely not. I think that express consent should be given when introducing a new idea as in, the first time the topic of anal came up I said go for it and we did but then any time after that he didn't have to actually ask but start easing into it (like start rubbing butt cheeks or something similar) so I could still turn it down if I didn't feel like it.
L#2.............About the stalker, you should be able to speak to the police without it going to court or anything, an ex of mine kept calling me (one day he called like 10 times in 10 minutes) and I answered the last time and I told him if he ever called me again I would call the police, he was on probation so apparently that scared him enough that he never called again, but I called the cops right after anyway and I told them what was going on and what I said to him and I said I didn't want to file any charges, I just wanted to have it on the record somewhere that I was having a problem with him in case it happened more and I had to press charges or if it escalated to being threatening or worse. Scary stuff happens and you never know so I hate to sound paranoid but I figure be prepared and at least give the cops a place to start looking if you come up missing.
Lollipop, were you dating Rob by any chance?