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March 11, 2012
Miss Information
My boyfriend's getting sent back to New Zealand! Would we be crazy to marry for the visa?
by Cait Robinson
Have a question for Miss Information? Email missinfo@nerve.com.
Dear Miss Information,
About two years ago I met a wonderful guy from New Zealand. He was smart, funny, and caring. Plus, the Bret-and-Jermaine accent didn't hurt. I fell hard, and he genuinely seemed to feel the same way about me. Then disaster struck: fearing he was about to go back to New Zealand due to an unfortunate situation with his visa, he broke it off. He said he cared about me but didn't want to make his problems my own. I was brokenhearted but understood, and I respected him for being honest.
Flash forward to last December. I received an email from him out of the blue telling me he was able to stay in the country after all, but, fearing I didn't want to speak to him for previously breaking things off, he hadn't tried to contact me. He said he'd finally mustered up the courage to reach out and asked me to lunch. Needless to say, he was still the same gorgeous, smart, caring, funny Kiwi. We hit the ground running, talking if not seeing each other every day. About a month into the rekindled relationship, we were telling each other we were in love, taking weekend trips, and meeting each others' friends.
Then U.S. Immigration reared its ugly head again. His visa is expiring in ten days (after which he'll have sixty days to either get a new visa or leave the country), which means he won't be able to legally work here. He has a master's degree in several fields of science and is looking for work everywhere, but no one seems to be hiring regular citizens, let alone non-citizens who require much more paperwork. This leaves us with a few options:
1. He finds a job ASAP, which will add about two years to his current visa (not so likely, given the fact that he has ten days to find this unicorn).
2. He finds a job in the next two months that's willing to pay for a new visa (even less likely... like a mermaid riding a unicorn).
3. He goes back to New Zealand, where we do the long-distance thing until he can get back here.
Option 3 seems the most likely. So here's my situation...
After some very long talks about what we'll do if he leaves the U.S., we came to the conclusion that, if after a few months go by with no job prospects that will bring him back, we can apply for a visa that will declare him as my fiancé. This would require that, once he gets back here, we get married within ninety days. He will have the ability to look for work with this visa, but I understand it's very likely I will supporting us both for the most part until he finds work. We will also be obligated to remain married for three years, or else back to Kiwiland he goes!
We've been together for three months and I love him very, very much. He says the same to me. He's someone I can see building a life with, but I don't want to skip the dating, get-to-know-you, love-you-flaws-and-all part of the experience. It will be very hard to get this experience when he is (literally) halfway across the world from me. I appreciate the institution of marriage and am not looking to "dupe the system" or make this decision lightly.
Would this decision totally ruin our relationship? Would marrying him to save our relationship and bring him back to what he considers his home be a huge mistake? I have the support of my family and friends, but I can't help feeling this could end horribly in more ways than one.
— A Lover Is Extra Nervous
Dear ALIEN,
Uncle Sam gets a lot less avuncular when immigration is concerned. We're no longer living in the warm (lice-infested), fuzzy (TB epidemic), "Welcome to America!" ("assimilate into our culture immediately!") days of Ellis Island. I don't know for a fact that U.S. Immigration has giant guns, but I imagine they do. Proceed with extreme caution.
Even if you secure your boyfriend a "fiancé" visa, you will most likely have to hire a lawyer to make it through the lengthy, uncertain green-card process. It's an endurance sport, and it requires you be 200% confident in your choice to be together, to be married, and to both be Americans. My friend's Danish husband was inches away from being deported on a fluke once; it made a great cocktail-party story six months later, but it was puke-in-a-trash-can scary at the time. Until you're prepared to handle clerical headaches and last-minute panics, keep the law out of your relationship.
Also be aware that, if the marriage dissolves and he decides to stay, you may both have to justify the legitimacy of your marriage in court. That has to be the suck-icing on top of the brokenhearted cake.
Send your boyfriend home to New Zealand, then throw the energy you would have spent on hold with Immigration Services into working out a visitation schedule. If your relationship is worth getting married over, it should be able to withstand some distance while you sort things out. On the plus side, you'll be able to rack up some Frequent Flier miles while you do the whole "getting to know you" thing: meeting his family, watching him hug a sheep, and camping with his Lord of the Rings re-enactment group. (Can you tell I exhaustively researched New Zealand for this article?)
Really take your time on this one. It's why we have Skype. If you do decide to make the leap, you should do it with no time crunches, no lingering questions, and no binders full of paperwork.
And pro tip: it's actually Bret and "Jemaine," no "r." That's the answer to #4, #19, and #87 on the New Zealand Citizenship Test, but you didn't hear it from me.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm twenty-one and my boyfriend is twenty-five. We've been together for a little more than a year. We're committed, happy together and very much in love. I truly feel lucky to have found such a great guy. I've had two serious relationships prior to this, while he's had several and much, much more sexual experience than I.
I graduate in May and we're planning on moving in together. We've discussed marriage at some point in the future. The only problem is that everyone thinks I shouldn't settle down so young and I need to experience life on my own. I do have dreams of living single and carefree, but I'm a realist. I know the single life is full of lonely nights and one-night stands with guys who may or may not have gonorrhea. And besides, I love him and he's who I want to be with. Should I go forward with my plans or break it off to experience life as a single lady?
— Confused
Dear Confused,
Why are your only two options "move in together, stay on the express train to Marriage Station" and "break it off, stockpile antibiotics?" I suspect the problem is less about your experience level and more about the fear of the unknown.
If you're having "dreams of living single and carefree," pay attention to them. If you don't, those "dreams" can get tied to lead weights of "commitment" and eventually fester into "seething resentment," which sounds like a line from the saddest Shel Silverstein poem ever. The moral here: you're twenty-one. Now is no time to settle. But you don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, either. If you're happy with your boyfriend, you're happy, and there's nothing wrong with that. My point is, there's a comfortable niche somewhere between "alone and crying into my Hamburger Helper" and "holding three babies and crying into my Hamburger Helper."
Your friends' advice to experience life "on your own" is worth contemplating, too. Though you interpret it as meaning "single," I read it as something more akin to "shift your priorities." From your tone, I'm guessing that it's more comfortable for you to use this relationship to define you than it is to figure out who you are or what you want. A relationship may preoccupy you, but it doesn't allow you to get out of answering big, hard life questions. This is a common trap to fall into, but it's a trap nonetheless.
Maybe the question isn't "stay together or break up?" as much as it is, "what are my goals/desires/needs?" Until you've got a better sense of those things, put the commitment-escalation on ice.
Want to meet someone who won't get sent back to the highlands? Nerve Dating can help you with that.
Commentarium (57 Comments)
Alien should just marry the kiwi. If it doesn't work out, there's always divorce.
My advice to confused is that there's not much to learn from experiencing single life. She's on her third serious relationship. There'd be nothing wrong with her banging more guys, but not much point if she's happy with this one. I should have married the first woman I was with but I didn't appreciate her and wondered what was "out there."
I'll tell you, a lot of shit is out there. A lot of getting your heart broken and breaking other people's hearts. A lot of becoming more cynical and less able to love. It took me 20 years of bad choices and putting up with all kinds of shit to find another one as wonderful as the first one. Confused IS lucky. Fuck what other people think. Why the hell should she care? Why does she think they have her best interests at heart? Maybe they're just jealous. I bet if her idiot "friends" found such great guys to be in love with, they'd all be making wedding plans in a New York minute.
She should make her wedding plans with this guy. If he doesn't wasn't to get married, then she knows. And if they do get married and it doesn't work out, there's always divorce. Romantic love is such bullshit, anyway. Enjoy it while it lasts.
That sucks, but it doesn't sound like experience you can really universalize from. I got married at 21, shouldn't have, and I'd hesitate to universalize from that, too, though a number of friends had similar experiences. Cait's advice sounds spot-on. She's not saying to dump the dude and "experience the single life" -- just to hesitate before escalating a commitment that maybe hasn't reached a point that really calls for escalation. I doubt this 25 year old dude is saying, "Hey, you need to marry me now or this is over." ESPECIALLY after a year.
Well, I guess I have to agree that confused doesn't need to rush into anything -- my wife and I were together for years and had a child before we got married. My irritation was directed at her idiot friends and I overstated the case.
Agreed, there's not much else out there. But it's worth experiencing to figure out your "goals/desires/needs," and who you are. Your 21 and your on your third serious relationship. Take it easy.
I think you misread the letter (and possibly projected your own experiences?). The LW says that she has "the support of my family and friends."
No, I was objecting to this in the second letter: "The only problem is that everyone thinks I shouldn't settle down so young and I need to experience life on my own." The FIRST letter writer has the support of family an d friends.
The
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Her gut instinct is telling her there's something wrong, and I think so too.. What if the first time he left her was a lie, and when he contacted her the second time it was because she was a last resort for him to stay in the country? Did he put the marriage idea in her head? I have heard so many bad things about Kiwi men!
This was my real concern too. I find Miss Info's reason not to marry him pretty weak (it might be stressful -- totally unlike constant travel, which will quickly cost you thousands of dollars, and the regular ol' LDR fears of cheating and growing apart! and it will be sad if you get a divorce -- even though it doesn't have to be a Marriage with a capital M, and with proper communication you don't have to privately change the commitment levels of dynamics of your relationship just because you do for the law!) But there is a part of my mind that finds the timing of his leaving and coming back slightly off.
My fears and trepidation aside, if you love this guy, believe that he is honestly committed to you, and have any interested in making it work, tie the knot.
And by the way -- I usually really like Miss Info, but "keep the law out of your relationship"? It's way too late for that. The law got itself in their relationship when it decided to boot him out of the country.
The law really didn't get into their relationship "when it decided to boot him out of the country." He had a temporary visa, and good and well knew that, and decided to get into a serious relationship anyway. It's not like he was a green card holder and the gov't up and decided to deport him. He had a certain amount of time, and it ran.
No, I misspoke. The law was always a factor in their relationship. She can't just choose to not have it get involved. Even if she's traveling, spending thousands of dollars and doing the work necessary of keeping a LDR functioning, the law has gotten involved. Even if she totally breaks it off with him, the law has gotten involved.
I'm confused by the timing in the first letter. So she met this guy, they dated briefly, he ended it because he thought he was being deported, and then he shows up - what? A year later? A year and a half later? Saying that he never got deported, he's been in the country this entire time, and he wants to get back together? But then one month after that he's being deported again? Why didn't he try to get back together with her once he realized he was staying in the country - why did he wait a year and a half? If he'd never broken up with her in the first place, and they'd been together for the past 2 years, then they'd have a solid foundation on which to consider marriage. As it is, something seems mighty suspect here.
You're absolutely right.
So, he stayed in the country for the two years until his visa was almost running out and then called the girl? It sounds like he contacted her because his visa was expiring, not in spite of it. I say let him go back to his home country. If a long distance relationship continues, that's great. If not, you saved yourself legal trouble and much headache. Many people are very desperate to stay in the US that they will do anything. Be careful! And three months isn't that long to really know the person and their true intentions.
Many people ARE desperate to stay in the U.S. But they aren't usually from western countries with economies as good or better than the U.S., such as New Zealand. The story is a little strange, but could just be he's kind of shy and/or awkward, and once he realized he'd be leaving he didn't want to do it without once again testing out the potential with this girl. Or not. I just wouldn't necessarily be so suspicious based on the facts alone.
Umm, I have to disagree there. I'm a kiwi and - despite how idyllic our country seems - our economy isn't that awesome and there's actually few good opportunities for young graduates. NZ is one of the most expensive cities in the world to live in. Look up the figures of young people leaving NZ - it's insane. Our modus operandi is to graduate, immediately take our skills overseas then come back to NZ ten years later - cashed up and ready to settle down. People mainly go to Australia and the U.K, but the U.S (particularly New York) is an increasingly popular option. I think just because it's perceived as being so much more fast paced and exciting than what we are used to. I should add that NZ guys don't tend to waste time when they are genuinely into someone so this guy's story does seem pretty suss to me.
Sorry, but my first impression is that the American wanted to marry a Kiwi in order to become a New Zealand citizen. Most Americans would prefer that shift of options.
Confused, in my experience, the times when people get married young and then wind up resenting it later, is when they were "forced" to get married, either because religion or "family values" encouraged early marriage, or "oops, pregnant, guess we have to get married." The resentment comes when after a few years together, married life gets boring or stressful, and one or both of the people regret not having had "more fun" when they were younger. (At least it sounds like he's gotten his share of "fun".)
Is there some reason why you can't move in under the "engaged but haven't set a date yet" banner? Some people live like this for years, before deciding that marriage is really the way to go.
ALIEN, Miss Information is correct. I've been through the greencard process, and it is stressful. You have only known this person a short time. Let him go back to NZ and take your time. Seriously.
Confused: "I know the single life is full of lonely nights and one-night stands with guys who may or may not have gonorrhea." - Confused, you are not only confused, you are a moron as well. Have you ever heard of rubbers?! Use them and have your guys use them. Always.
What a truly helpful and much-needed post! Thanks, George. Confused obviously needed to be reminded that she could use protection to prevent STD transmission. It definitely wasn't that she was using "gonorrhea" as a shorthand for all the STDs out there, some of which condoms don't protect against. And, of course, I'm sure you've never allowed yourself to accept an unprotected blowjob in your life.
Anyway, your post accomplished its goal: it drew attention to a foolish comment by a moron. So again, thanks for that.
Alien, in Uncle Sam's world, there is only one legitimate reason for your boyfriend to become your fiance, and it can't be to flee the sheep or whatever they have in New Zealand for our tacos and health care problems. If you have a real relationship with a future, get married. If you aren't 100 percent sure about that, your boyfriend can go back to New Zealand and you can see whether you are the reason he wants to stay in the U.S., since any other reason is considered fraud by immigration. I don't understand why you think getting married will ruin your relationship- if you are a bona fide couple, you stay together, and if you are part of deceiving the authorities because you aren't a bona fide couple intending to stay together, then you and your boyfriend are still in the same boat. Since you wrote to a dating advice column and not one of the many immigration websites out there, one suspects something doesn't feel right to you. Good luck.
what's with the NZ bashing? we're not all sheep and swandris...
Dear ALIEN,
Been there, done that. Irish, not Kiwi, but similar situation. I got married, and don't regret it, though it didn't work out. But here's some better advice than Miss Information's (who's usually great, but missed on this one.)
If you get married to Mr. Kiwi, you'll be legally liable for his debts - there's no such thing as an ironclad pre-nup. If you go through the green-card process, you'll become legally liable in the event that he takes advantage of any publicly funded benefit. That is: he goes uninsured to the emergency room, and can't pay? They can go after you for the charges. Even after you're divorced. That's no joke. So it's vitally important that you're 100% sure this guy is on the up-and-up with you. Have the uncomfortable conversation with him about why he disappeared. Talk to his local exes - you really need to be sure that you can trust him, even if things don't work out between the two of you. Call his mom if you need to (and if she's not a religious nutjob). Do what it takes to make sure that even if things don't work out, you wouldn't be screwing yourself by marrying him.
But, once you've done that, don't fuck around with the fiance visa. Marry him now. I don't mean: have a big ceremony with all your friends. I mean: have a small ceremony with close friends and your immediate family, if they're understanding of this sort of thing (mine was, wonderfully so). You'll want happy pictures for "proof of relationship" la puta migra. But here's the thing: there is *no* reason that the legal ceremony - which is really all that USCIS can care about (case law: they can't require sex, cohabitation, etc.; they do require "an intent to build a future together, and you can't make fraudulent claims to USCIS, or marry "for the purpose of attaining immigration benefits") - needs to be connected to being married in the eyes of your families, your god, or anyone else. And if you go through the legal ceremony here, rather than shipping him back to NZ to apply for a fiancee visa, you won't have to do the long-distance thing, and you won't have to file the fiancee visa, which can be a giant pain in the ass (approval is a matter for the embassy in NZ; I don't know anything about that, but the embassy in IE was a giant dickwad, so our lawyer advised us not to go through with the fiancee visa) and it's a needless expense.
Last thing: if you do decide to do this, you should make sure you understand the paperwork you'll have to file (start with the I-485), and take your questions to a decent immigration lawyer (there are often free immigration clinics in major cities). It's worth a couple hundred bucks. Good luck!
This is good advice; fiance visas are a nightmare. Caitlin got a few things wrong, though. He doesn't have to decide to be American; applying citizenship is 5-6 years down the road, you're just aiming for permanent residency right now. Pre-nup is irrelevant, because you have to promise to be liable for his debts even if you split up. Also, to file the I-485 you'll need to prove that you have the earning power and/or assets to support both of you for several years if he doesn't find a job, including bank statements, letter from employer, and pay stubs. If you can't show sufficient income, you'll need to get a friend or family member to undersign. Get an immigration attorney; legal fees will cost you about $2500 - $4000 for the whole process, depending on where you live. Think of it as a wedding expense. If you want to have a small legal ceremony now and throw a bigger reception later that your relatives can attend, immigration is fine with that sort of thing (or, at least it went over fine for me and my Canadian husband). BUT: don't get married as a way to keep dating. Get married if your really want this guy to be your spouse, and vice versa.
I disagree: do get married as a way to keep dating. That's exactly how you need to think about it, if you get married now: legally, you'd be married, but really, you'd just be dating. You clearly don't want to get married now for real.
A pre-nup is not irrelevant. You don't sign yourself into liability for all debts, only debts to the public purse. Nolo press has a great book on pre-nups: check it out. Frankly, a pre-nup can also make divorce a lot easier, depending on where you live.
If the guy is really a solid, you don't *need* to retain a lawyer, though this depends on how broke you are, and your local USCIS office. Lots of the processing of the forms happens locally, and how much BS is involved in the process depends largely on the local processing. I used a free drop-in immigration legal clinic, and my interview was great: 10 minutes long, no real questions. But then my local USCIS office is pretty liberal.
Just to repeat: don't even think about marrying the dude, for love or anything else, unless you're 100% sure he would be doing it for the right reason (i.e. in order to keep being with you) and you're 100% sure he would be reasonable if for some reason things didn't work out and you got a divorce.
ALIEN: If your man is facing limited work prospects in the US, why not look at what your temporary or permanent job prospects might be like in New Zealand? If US nationals aren't getting hired in his field, he's not likely to find stellar employment opportunities even with a green card.
Who would want to move to the US, anyway? The economy is in the shitter and rents are insane in most big cities. Why not try New Zealand, if the main goal is to be together?
Like many of the posters above, I think the situation sounds rather suspect. If, however, you decide to go forward, make sure you're getting good legal advice. Some private immigration attorneys are not very good, and some are just shysters. If If you hire someone, be sure to check them out. Improperly filed paperwork can really screw you over. Best of luck.
ALIEN: Come and live in NZ with your man, we have loads of ex-pats from all around the world that make their home here. My father left the UK to be with my mother, and my Brit sister-in-law married my brother and came here. We are a country of immigrants -try us and see.
Working holiday visa! You can go to NZ for a year (provided you are under 30) and don't even need to marry your kiwi man yet.
Absolutely listen to the poster who married the Mick. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY CASUALLY. DO NOT MARRY HIM SO HE CAN GET A VISA. You are liable for all of his debts. A friend of mine married a gay French guy, out of compassion (ok, and a little bit of money), and then he got hit by a car, with no health insurance. He's back in France and she's left holding bills for tens of thousands of dollars that she is legally liable for. All she could do was declare bankruptcy, which affected her life for years and years.
Confused:
I broke up with my first serious boyfriend when I was younger. We had been together for 4 years and, though I loved him a great deal, I wasn't entirely happy and I wanted to see what it was like being a single adult. 3 years later, I have yet to meet a guy who can hold a candle to my ex (Well, I did meet one but he was on the heels of the end of a long term relationship and he broke my heart good.) but the point is... if you have a great guy and you are happy you don't need to rush but don't just toss him aside because you are curious, you may not find anyone like him again. I am not unhappy being single but it would be nice to have someone special to share my happiness with.
if it felt right, then u wouldnt have to ask
This is what begging the question looks like.
Alien,
1) I agree with the people who are highly suspicious of the timing as you report it. Where was he, physically, after he broke up with you the first time? Has he accounted for why it took him so long to contact you again? Has he accounted for the strange fact that when he contacted you again it was right before his visa was up ? When did he know when that visa was up? When did he tell you that? If there's a big gap, then that spells trouble.
2) My first response on "should I marry him for the visa?" was simply, "Um, no." It's a terrible idea and fraught with more complications, both legal and emotional, than you seem to have reckoned on. If, however, you wrote this column not looking for advice but for permission/absolution, then at least try this challenge: Find three people who were in a similar situation to yours (where there actually was love and affection, and a real relationship, as opposed to a simple marry-for-a-green-card situation, but where the threat of deportation sped up the process.) Find couples who went through this at least five years ago so that you can ask them, with the benefit of hindsight, what they think about their decision. Are they still together? Would they do it again if they had to? What advice do they have for you?
I'm going to bet that what they have to tell you isn't pretty, but we shall see. Keep us posted.
P.S. Three months???? How old are you anyway, and how much relationship experience have you had? Three months is not nearly enough time to decide if this man is good material for being legally tied to for three+ years, which you would be no matter what happened to the romantic aspect of your relationship. The more I read this, the more I wonder if you have thought about your own good judgement in all of this.
Also, I am sorry to say, that long-distance relationships have a way of being very poor predictors of marriage success. On the one hand, there's all that romantic pining, we're-on-our-best-behavior-because-we-only-get-to-be-together-three-weeks-every-six-months kind of thing; on the other hand is the complete lack of understanding how this person is to live with day in and day out, their annoying habits (and yours), how they communicate in person when you live together, how they treat their friends and family, all of those major elements that cause friction in relationships.
And before you dismiss what I'm telling you, know this: I was in a long-distance relationship that was getting propelled into a green card marriage. He was (and is) a great person and we were very much in love, but I finally came to my senses and broke it off. We are both very fortunate that I did.
Exactly, 3 months is not even long enough to fuck without a condom.
There’s still one more option for Alien: come to New Zealand, as Tanya suggested above. Depending on what state you’re in, our unemployment rate is possibly lower. Your US experience might actually bode well for a job here—more than Kiwi experience in an American company. Frankly, I can’t understand why anyone here would leave unless he really wants a decent-value internet package with no data caps or be half a year ahead on Two and a Half Men. Otherwise, what’s above is great advice. Get to know this guy, properly. Three months before an engagement is not a great idea, and his not contacting you after he got back doesn’t bode well for his communication skills.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m rehearsing for my Lord of the Rings re-enactment group tonight.
The greencard process is also a chunk of change - about $1700 even with a lawyer (which is manageable, but can be stressful - you have to be super anal about everything) and then another $600 after two years to renew the status.
Just checked back on this- some people are suggesting the LW move to New Zealand. Reasonable advice as it's easier to emigrate to New Zealand, but you are probably still looking at a marriage band to do this. Which would be an interesting way to test the relationship, come to think of it.
Don't be fooled by the young cool guy in the White House. This is still a center-right country. If you were ready to move to Canada between 20o00 and 2008, here is your chance. Not to mention the fact that it's simply beautiful.
If you're under 30 and from the USA (amongst other countries) you can get a one year "working holiday" visa for New Zealand. That should be long enough to figure things out. Get out of the house more, Americans.
I find it interesting that so many people who think it's a bad idea to marry someone after a 3 year relationship think it's a good idea to move to the other side of the world after a 3 year relationship. Not being critical, I just think it's interesting that one option seems so much less risky.
meant "3 month" not "3 year." no more commenting before coffee.
ALIEN: I also married an Irish guy, we're currently jumping through the endless succession of I-130 hoops to get him over here, and I'm with everyone else saying DO NOT DO THIS.
Reasons why this is a no-good, very bad idea:
1) The fiance visa is a massive pain in the ass, and would be very difficult to get if he doesn't have a job and is already in the country. The easiest way to avoid the appearance of fraudulent marriage is to marry him in the US, let him go back to NZ when his visa expires, and then have him apply for an I-130 (and continue looking for jobs) from outside the country. But this is also a bad idea in your particular situation because...
2) The situation looks shady. You dated for a brief period of time, he disappeared off the face of the earth for reasons that may or may not be true, and then showed back up in your life with talk of marriage when his visa was about to expire. All of this may well be legit. But it sounds shady on paper. And if it sounds shady to casual Nerve readers, IT WILL LOOK SHADY AS FUCK to a U.S. immigration official. Believe me, you do NOT want to find yourself trying to disprove a fraudulent marriage. These people don't play around, and they're actively going to looking for holes in your story (and your story has a LOT of potential holes). He could easily find himself kicked out of the country and barred from ever entering the U.S. again if they suspect something fraudulent. I know people who do this for a living, and I cannot stress this enough.
3) In your gut you don't trust this guy. If you did, you wouldn't be writing a stranger for advice and ending your letter with "I can't help feeling this could end horribly in more ways than one." That's a perfectly good feeling to have. Getting married to someone you don't know that well is risky. Getting married to a foreign national you don't know that well, paying thousands of dollars to sponsor him (the immigration process is NOT CHEAP) and risking visa fraud among other offenses is ASKING for disaster. They will ask you intimate questions about him, ask you to provide hard evidence of legitimacy, and actively look for any trace of doubt. At this point you have few answers to these questions, very little hard evidence, and quite a bit of doubt. It's just a terrible idea.
My very, VERY strong advice to you:
Take your time getting to know this guy. Do a long-distance relationship. It sucks major ass (I know from experience), but it takes time to do this the right way. Keep records of every trip you take together, every plane ticket, every obstacle you overcome to be with him. Learn about his likes, dislikes, habits, and the dynamics of your relationship. Get notarized affidavits from family and friends with lots of details about the time you've spent together. And once there's no doubt he is absolutely the one for you, have him fly over on a tourist visa, get married with witnesses, and go through the I-130 process like everyone does. It's more time-consuming and takes more love and patience than the plan you have now, but it's the only legit way to do this. And if he really loves you and wants to be with you, he will not put you at legal and emotional risk by making you responsible for his immigration status before you're 100% ready to do so.
Good luck to you!
this is fine except for the part about teh tourist visa--thatas fraud. if yu do the long distance thing, you haev to either do a fiance visa or fly there to get married and do an I-30. if everything goes right, it will take a year or a little more to get the visa for him to come back once you file. but i suspect after this guy goes to NZ hell forget his USA girlfriend.
to the 2nd LW: um, you might as well get married, because you obviously aren't independent enough to even be able to imagine how awesome single life is. First of all, you don't have to fuck anyone at all, if you don't want--no one is making you do that--so there go your STD worries. Also, like others have said, condoms!
Second of all, when you are 21 and single, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. All that "There aren't any good ones out there" attitude is bullshit. That might possibly be true once you get well into your 30s, but it certainly isn't true in your 20s. I met my husband when I was 29 and we got married at 35. I shudder to think of how my married life would be if I had married the guys with whom I was totally, totally in loooooove with when I was under 26.
Get a job. The only reason to get married now is if you're conservative, scared, and economically unviable. Which things you might be. But otherwise, there are lots of awesome people in the world and once you're married, you ain't going anywhere.
Getting married for a visa is deliberately difficult and not nearly as easy as everyone romantizes it to be. It took over six months for my friend's engagement visa to clear - for a Brit to the States. And it was another six months before he could legally work in the U.S.
You will need to hire a lawyer. You will need to be willing to financially support him for a year.
Are you seriously telling me that you are ready to do that for a relationship as short as yours?
Here's another option:
NZ has a work-visitor visa if you are under 30 that is easy to get as an American. Go to NZ for awhile yourself before you re approach both of you being back in the US.
I'd like to point out that several of the folks above don't know what they're talking about. JCB went through the fiancee visa process, which you wouldn't have to, and shouldn't. JCB also seems to think you'd be committing fraud. You could, of course, lie to USCIS, and that would be a very bad idea indeed. But you needn't (and, obviously, shouldn't) do anything fraudulent. There's nothing fraudulent about getting legally married to someone you love so that you can stay with them.
There are some time issues - he shouldn't leave the country between the time that you turn in the paperwork and he gets a provisional green card. He won't be able to work between the time his visa expires and he gets his green card. All told, that should be somewhere between 3 and 6 months, which isn't nothing, but it's also not the end of the world.
If someone claimed to be in love with me, but wasn't willing to go through that kind of crap to be with me, I'd think they were lying.
What Giusepe has said is right. Additionally, his green card would be conditional for a time (I think 2 years, but check that) and then you have to jointly petition for the condition to be removed. If you don't jointly file for this after the two years is up, unless he qualifies for a waiver of the requirement that you file with him, he would be subject to removal (deportation). So you might want to consider whether you'd be willing to do this for him even if things between you don't work out. The two year conditional period was implemented as a way of filtering out sham marriages.
I'd also just counter that I wouldn't expect someone who'd only been with me for three months to marry me to get me a visa to prove that they loved me. I'd think anyone willing to jump into marriage that quickly was a kind of crazy, but that's just me.
In re: all the comments focused on the "three months" figure... She's known him for two years: that matters. She says they're in love: that matters. Honestly, people. Whether three months is enough time is a judgement for her to make, not you.
Two years from when you get a conditional, you apply for a 'permanent' (i.e. 10-yr, automatically renewable) green card. You definitely need to have a detailed conversation about how shit goes down if it doesn't work out. But it is certainly not the case that there is a requirement that you file together, or get a waiver. Obviously it looks better if you file together, and you'll have to prove the 'good faith' of your marriage if you don't, but that just means showing that you weren't getting married to circumvent immigration restrictions.
I think you misread me: didn't go through the fiance visa process, and neither did I suggest should she. I also never claimed she was committing fraud - but HE might well be, if his intentions are less than honest, and she doesn't want to get tangled up in that if it is the case. I stand by what I said.
I never claimed to be an expert on green card marriages, but I've gone through the process myself, and everything I said comes from immigration lawyers who DO THIS FOR A LIVING. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for everyone.
Wow so many red flags on the Alien.
1) People with multiple MS's in scientific fields have no trouble finding jobs unless they have horrible references and are unemployable. The unemployment rate among such people is basically 0. So he either isn't really looking that hard, being WAY too selective, or is unemployable.
2) The whole story sounds cray and he completely sounds as though he is using you. Do you have friends? What do they think of this insane plan? If he is really worth marrying he can move home and you can work it out from there. But you two don't actually sound that into each other.
Are you sure he isn't a wanted criminal/debtor in NZ?
ALIEN: he should apply for a Ph.D. program. Since he has multiple MSes, he should have no problem getting into a program and thus getting a student visa. Of course, he might be lying.
A girl from my degree (we're Spanish) married an American guy a few months ago and they've had to be apart for like a year. She wasn't allowed in the US for all that time and he had to come to Spain every time, or they had to meet up in France, shit like that. The whole process was costly and tedious. Very costly, and very tedious. Think about it, the process is purposefully like that to put off people who are really not committed. I think your guy is slightly shady. I mean, he breaks up, then a long time after he gets back in touch and ~~magically~~ a few months after his visa expires? Think about it. The process is super expensive and you've only been in a proper relationship for three months.