Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.



Dear Miss Information,
I have a serious problem: my labia minora have a bit more skin than they should. None of my partners have ever made a negative comment, but I’ve watched porn and I know that I look different than those women. I’ve had oral sex performed on me twice; each time, I was uncomfortable and scared but didn’t say anything. What freaks me out is that each man gave me oral once and never again. I don’t know if they saw I wasn’t totally comfortable or if my vagina freaked them out. I know there’s surgery to correct this, but I think that’s an extreme option. I really want to know what people think of this issue. — Confused


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Dear Confused,
    Contrary to what the fascists at Mattel would have you believe, most women aren’t born with an amorphous blob of baby powder-scented plastic between their legs. Vaginas come in all sizes, shapes, colors and textures. There’s no such thing as a "normal" pussy, and if there is, you’re certainly not going to find it by watching Debbie Does Dallas.
    The guys who performed oral sex on you were probably reacting to your self-consciousness, not your girl junk. If you’re having a panic attack while you’re getting head, chances are your man friend will notice. He might think you didn’t enjoy it, or that he did a bad job (gasp! men are insecure too).
    Yes, some men think fleshy labia are unattractive, but most guys are happy just to have access. Many people find long lips intensely erotic (readers, feel free to weigh in here), and some women deliberately pull on theirs to make them larger or get special piercings to show off the goods. If you still have doubts, get checked out by your gyno. (What is it with this lately? All of you — GO SEE A GYNO.) It’s a lot more scientific than watching porn, and once you know you’re normal, you’ll feel more at ease.
 

Dear Miss Information,
I’m a surgeon who recently met a smart, svelte, intense RN who knows not just anatomic/physiologic factoids, but likes Philip Roth novels, listens to Yo-Yo Ma and is sexually carnivorous to boot. My problem involves her intense passion for her two dogs. I don’t mind them per se, but I think such “passion” is actually latent psychopathology. She turns into an ill-tempered adolescent and completely overreacts anytime anyone mentions anything even remotely negative about dogs. I’m losing patience and wondering what to do. — Put This to Sleep

Dear Put This to Sleep,
    Dog people are annoying. But so are snowboarders, raw foodists, knitters, sports fans and anyone who lets their interests get in the way of being a well-rounded, likeable human being. While it’s true that everyone has something they’re a little nutso about (mine is furry, stares at faucets and shits in a plastic box), emotionally intelligent folks let the crazy out a little at a time, lest they scare off prospective mates.
    Your RN either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that she’s being irritating and immature. Neither is a good sign in a fledgling relationship, and I recommend you cut your losses now. I’ve seldom seen this type of behavior get better. If you’re not ready to give up, have a final throwdown where you tell her that her unbridled dog worship is damaging your relationship and suggest specific ways she can rein it in. It just might work. If not, pray to God she hasn’t taught them how to sic.

Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been with a married man for about two years now, and there seems to be no stopping us from doing what we’re doing. I’m happy with the intimacy, lack of real commitment, blah blah blah, but once or twice I’ve been tempted by other guys. So, in light of the circumstances, if I sleep with another person is it really considered cheating when my "boyfriend" is already married? I know it’s not the greatest situation any way you slice it, but at least let me know if I’m right or wrong. Thanks! — Two-Timing the Two-Timer

Dear Two-Timing,
    Yeah, it’s cheating. Even though he’s married, he’s operating under the assumption that he’s the only one you’re fucking. If you hook up with someone else and lie about it, either directly or through omission, you’re playing by a different set of rules. As one of my readers put it a few weeks ago, that’s the very essence of cheating, toots. You could argue that crooks and liars are bound to no moral code, hate the game not the playa, blah blah blah, and you’d probably sway me a little. But why would you want to make a complicated situation even more shitty and dramatic? Maybe you’re vying for a spot on Montel?
    Tell your married man you want to (and are going to) fuck around. End of story. What’s he going to do if he doesn’t like it? Tell his wife?
   

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©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com