Not a member? Sign up now
June 10, 2012
Miss Information
Someone I wanted to marry suddenly broke up with me. What do I do?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email missinfo@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I met this guy at the beginning of the year. We went out and almost instantly connected. We're both in our thirties, professionals, ready to settle down, etc. So we were pretty amazed that we happened to "stumble" on to this really great relationship with a significant amount of potential. We had a great, healthy, adult relationship, and for all practical purposes we seemed like we were marriage-bound.
A few months into dating, we traveled to the house he grew up in and spent the entire weekend with his parents, three siblings, spouses, and kids. Needless to say, it was a lot to take in. But, things went well and, as we drove home, I couldn't believe I had really found someone special again. (I am divorced.) Everything was falling into place.
Two days later, he broke up with me. I was in shock.
He explained that he wasn't ready and that he didn't want to date anyone right now. He said that I'm everything he wants in his life and that I'm what he's looking for, but that a few weeks before he had stopped falling "more" for me, so he wasn't sure if he could fall in love with me. He was very conflicted because I think on one hand, he didn't want to lose me and hurt me, but on the other, he knew it was the right thing to do.
From what I gathered, none of the women he had dated before had treated him very well, and I think he expected the same from me. He had also gone through a bad breakup a few months prior to meeting me. My perception is that, while short, this was the most adult relationship he had ever had. (I'm also the only divorced woman he's dated.) So the day he came to me and said he wasn't ready, I saw this wall go up. I could tell I wasn't going to change his mind.
I'm doing my best to move on, but I just can't. I know if he can ever find it in his heart to love me, he'll need this time to sort through his feelings, but I don't know what I should do in the interim. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself in this time, I get it, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to put my heart right now.
He's a good man and, though he hurt me, he truly did what was in my best interest. I can't fault him for that. Do I still have a chance?
— Blindsided
Dear Blindsided,
You say you don't know where to put your heart during this time, so I came up with a partial list for you. Get a plant! (It won't suffer when your heart has healed and you no longer need it, unlike a puppy or a rebound.) Make some terrible art! (Leotards highly recommended.) Volunteer! (Lord knows plenty of causes in the world need more hearts.) The take-home message is, don't keep trying to put your affection in the hands of someone who has explicitly told you he can't handle it.
I'm curious about this line: "[T]hough he hurt me, he truly did what was in my best interest." It's great you're not vilifying him post-breakup, but take care not to sanctify him, either. He was honest and emotionally aware and communicative, all of which is super — but a breakup is not the same thing as a favor. You're allowed to be angry and/or hurt. Just make sure that you're not so lovesick that you cast all of his actions in a rosy glow.
This sounds solidly like a case of "if you love something, let it go." Now really let it go — don't sit by the window waiting for it to fly back in.
Dear Miss Information,
I just realized my issue, like a bolt of lightning! I'm not as afraid of rejection from a crush as I thought I was. I can handle rejection. What I'm really afraid of is the awkwardness of asking someone out and possibly making them going through this process:
1. Shock (I wasn't expecting that)
2. Awkwardness (Ugh, how do I tell him I'm not interested?)
3. Avoidance (I'll just ignore him)
Because of this fantasy potential outcome, I simply avoid asking guys out (and lose out on the chance that the guy might actually like me — or say yes). It's stupid. So how could I recover from a situation like this (or avoid it in the first place)? Because if I can work out this problem, I could overcome my rejection/awkwardness fears.
On a side note (is this a side note or really the whole issue?), I'd like to see this go like this: I ask him out, and if he's shocked and/or not interested, I make it comfortable for him to say so, and we move on as friends. The problem is, I'm really attracted to "nice guys." "Nice guys" tend to avoid confrontation/awkwardness/disappointing others, so it's catch-22.
— Sorry, I Have to Wash My Hair
Dear Sorry, I Have to Wash My Hair,
A couple of months ago, through no fault of my own, I watched greater than zero episodes of an MTV show called Friendzone. The premise of Friendzone is that there are two best friends, one of whom is in love with the other. He or she plans to reveal their secret to their beloved. Enter MTV's camera crews, who selflessly facilitate the moment where Friend A reveals his or her love to Friend B. This show is the eye-stabbingly worst idea I have ever heard. I don't need to see twenty-year-olds looking crestfallen. Nobody does.
My point with this is, you set the tone for how your proposal is received. It will be way harder to bounce back from a rejection if you ask him out on bended knee with a marching band and a dozen carnations dropped from a low-flying plane. Keep it light. Keep it non-televised. He'll pick up on your energy and respond in kind.
To this end, "Hey, what are you doing on Friday? My friend is having an art opening and I'd love to go with you," leaves him room to back out. Pulling a Lloyd Dobler outside his window does not. A date is really just a few hours on one night. Keep that tone around the conversation. And if he says no? Handle it with the same sense of perspective. "No problem! See you around." If you don't act sulky or awkward, he should get over his guilt pretty quickly. It's hard to believe you've broken someone's heart if they're pointedly non-heartbroken.
Believe it or not, you've already done the hard part: by not living in fear of rejection, you've opened yourself up tremendously. Now just convey that reality to your (potential) dates, and you're golden.
Want to meet someone for the art opening on Friday? Meet them on Nerve.
Commentarium (13 Comments)
LW 1:
Most of the time, if writers really read their own letters, as in, *really* read them, they would be able to answer their own question.
Look at what you wrote: "We had a great, healthy, adult relationship, and for all practical purposes we seemed like we were marriage-bound."
"He explained that ... a few weeks before he had stopped falling "more" for me, so he wasn't sure if he could fall in love with me."
So had he said "I love you" before and just been lying? Or had he not said it yet, which brings me to this question: do you frequently see yourself getting married to someone when you have no idea how they feel for you? Does marriage without love sound like something you want?
Look, too, at the phrases you use: "falling into place;" ... "seems like we were marriage-bound..." Dear, you are over 30 years old. Do you often treat major life steps, such as marriage, as things that simply happen to you without discussion, planning, or introspection?
You haven't given any real reason for your belief that you were heading into marriage territory; you mention visiting his family, and it sounds as though you chose to interpret that as some sort of last step or audition before the question was going to get popped. But nowhere is there any evidence that the two of you had a conversation about your wants, your plans, and where you saw the relationship going ... until he ended it. Do you see how you are getting in your own way here? You are seeing signs where they don't seem to be really there, and you are refusing to woman up and have an adult conversation about what you want and how to get there.
I'll add, too, that if you met this guy "at the beginning of the year," then "a few months later" came the portentious visit to the family home, and then the breakup. It should be a red flag, for *you* as you sort through this, that you were seriously considering marriage after two or three months. Yes, everyone can point to one person they knows who got married that quickly and had success with it. Exceptions don't make the rule, however, and I think that you would learn a lot if you seriously tried to answer why you were so set on marriage (let alone assuming that that was how things were going) so quickly. Two or three months is still the "honeymoon period," to use a terrible phrase in this context. It's not nearly soon enough to tell who someone really is as a person. Do you often push relationships for commitment when it's this early on?
I'm not denying that you're in pain and wishing that there were some way out of what you're feeling. I've been dumped too, and it sucks. But while you can't control his actions, or the actions of anyone else you date, you can examine your own choices and patterns so that you don't end up putting yourself again in harm's way when you *really don't need to.*
C
From what I gathered, none of the women he had dated before had treated him very well, and I think he expected the same from me. He had also gone through a bad breakup a few months prior to meeting me. My perception is that, while short, this was the most adult relationship he had ever had.
Oops, hit "return" too early:
This should also be a red flag for you, in terms of who you choose: "From what I gathered, none of the women he had dated before had treated him very well, and I think he expected the same from me."
Do you often choose men who don't know how to advocate for themselves? Who have bad taste in picking partners? If so, why?
And : "My perception is that, while short, this was the most adult relationship he had ever had."
I'm curious how you are defining "adult relationship," since you've already said that you didn't discuss the future, your wants and needs, or his feelings for you. (You've also not said one word about your feelings for him -- did you actually love him? -- or whether that was a topic of discussion for the two of you.) So, your bar is set so low for "adult relationship" that it doesn't even require having a discussion about those things, and he's still never before met that low standard?
Have you really examined why you thought he was such a catch?
Online comments have the downside of sounding un-empathetic, and I hope I don't come across that way. Again, being broken up with hurts, and introspection and self-examination can be painful, messy, and frustrating. But even worse is if you don't examine your own patterns and instead just keep on repeating them. You're old enough to owe that to yourself.
Just wanted to say that your comments are great, and much more helpful than the sympathetic-pat-on-the-back routine that people often do with these kinds of letters. You do someone a far greater kindness by challenging their assumptions than by telling them they're fine just the way they are and that it's the world's fault.
Totally agree. Also, every time someone tells you that 'all' their expartners were [insert bad trait here], it means they either secretly enjoyed these traits that they claim they hated (eg pothead, insecure, jealous, drama queen/king ...), or they keep making the same bad choice again and again without self reflection and realizing their patterns. Adults either change their patterns if they feel they are holding them back, or they accept them but don't whine about them or blame other people.
Also, the question 'what should I do in the interim' breaks my heart. Nothing is worse than a half-hearted break-up. It's over. Chances are, whatever he said when he broke up with you, no matter how nice and honest, he said it to soften the blow. He broke up with you because he doesn't want to be with you.
Don't stay friends, at least not for the first couple of months.
Don't stay in contact. Block his facebook, phone number and twitter. Don't let him drag you along. If you hold on to this, it will take years to get over him.
Re: "Sorry, I Have to Wash My Hair" Bad advice Miss Info. The way you phrase the invite, it could very well be the guy will have no idea he was asked on a date. Talk about blindsided and awkward outcomes on the date!
There is SO much indirectness in dating. Nothing takes the place of a little directness.
To the letter writer: Welcome to risk, and the world that all men live in. You have 2 choices. Be direct and take a risk. "Want to go on a date?" Ask it in a tone that indicates this is no big deal to you. Or, be indirect, never say "date", and don't ask. But give every "signal" you can possibly give, strongly and repeatedly...break the "touch barrier" with the guy, pay attention to him, talk to him, hang around him, be responsive, be flirty, keep pushing boundaries in conversation, etc.
Indirectness can still fail. It will fail on a clueless guy. On others, it should work, though it may take a while, depending upon the circumstances. Like if you're already a friend or casual acquaintance, it may take a while for him to realize you're not just friendly and touchy with everyone, but that you're paying extra attention to him. If he's not interested, you'll have to eventually give up. Of course, by then he may have already started avoiding you.
Being indirect is fraught with pitfalls, and can be slow. Being direct has different kinds of risks and pitfalls.
I have to say, with it's many shortcomings, the upside of online dating is there is no question as to whether or not you are actually on a date.
It is hilarious how much, for a site that is essentially (more and more) a dating site, Nerve and its commentariat pretend that online dating isn't a thing. On a dating site, no one is shocked or confused when you are interested in, you know, dating. You don't have to pussyfoot around the fact that what you are asking him out on is a date. No, it probably won't lead to friendship, but it could at least get you used to asking people out without worrying if they'll feel too uncomfortable to say no.
So true! My husband and I were both motivated to test out online dating (that's where we met!) for precisely that reason: practicing getting comfortable just asking people out and simply going on a date without turning it into A Big Deal. It was great for me, after ending a long relationship, just to have some casual dates, and it gave my husband a jolt of self-esteem after going through a rough patch personally.
LW1: One thing I've learned (the hard way) is that, wanting the same thing AS somebody else does not necessarily equal wanting it WITH them. This guy may have wanted the same thing as you (to settle down, have a family, get married, etc), but after only a few months of dating, it would have been impossible for him to know if he wanted those things with YOU. As you got to know each other better, he realized that he wasn't falling in love with you, and so he ended it. He hasn't stopped wanting to get married, but he has realized it won't be to you. This is really hard to take, made harder by the fact that you got your hopes up so high, but there you go.
To LW2: Just ease into things with some more flirty chatter. If he responds in kind gently amp things up and just be on the lookout for "crossing a line" - if he recoils, accept the friendszone and move on ;)
LW1: It sounds like you REALLY want to get married.
to LW2: Depending on your relationship with a person, asking them out over facebook or email can be helpful. In my experience, "nice guys" are better at communicating in writing, so if he's not interested, he can reply online and doesn't have to do an awkward conversation/avoid you. And if he is interested, you can just call and make plans so that it doesn't continue to be too impersonal. I have also found it easier to make it clear what you are suggesting in writing than in person (although maybe you are smoother than I am). It's easier for me to write "hey, it was really nice to see you on friday. Do you wanna go for a coffee date this week? No worries if you aren't interested, but I had a great time the other day, so I though I'd see if you were." I am not cool enough to say that out loud and not sound like an idiot, but I can write it. If the guy isn't interested but you act normal and adult afterwards, he'll follow your lead and hopefully avoid excess awkwardness.
You are assuming a lot about the guys you aren't asking out. Not everybody gets shocked and akward. Some of us would be flattered, and that wouldn't prevent us from being nice to you about it.
my take on LW1--he thought she wasnt a good fit with his family or she flubbed it ("it was a lot to take in"). I've dumped "promising" people for the same reason, further along in a relationship....