Not a member? Sign up now
Dear Miss Information,
I made it my goal in life to somehow attain charisma. And honestly, I got it. Now, at age thirty, it is easy for me to make friends. Therein lies my problem: I'm good at making friends — boyfriends, not so much.
Here's the latest example: I met a guy a month and a half ago. We made eyes the first time I met him, and slowly but surely things progressed. We became friends, then became buddies, then hung out all of the time. We work together, so every time we'd be at the same job, he'd seek me out and we'd chat. Forever. He texted me. He messaged me. He initiated all sorts of conversations. He's touchy-feely with me. He invites me out (with others), but then sits and talks to only me. Promising signs he's into me.
But there's one problem: this is where it all stops. All the signs say he's hitting on me (and honestly, he is), but then there's never any physical follow-through. Part of me wants to hold out because, you know, he'll get it. He'll see I'm a physically attractive guy. And honestly, I've gotten to the point of no return. I have a huge crush.
What do I do when I am consistently friend-zoned? And what do I do about this guy?
When most of us meet someone new, we do an instant calculation: "Would I bang this person? Circle one: y/n." It rarely has much to do with intention — it's more like, "if the apocalypse happened, I'd hook up with my garbage man before I hooked my dentist." Do you intend to hook up with either? No, but it's good to know where they stand in your mind. It's just a bit of internal calculus. Sexy, sexy calculus.
If you find you keep ending up in the "just a friend" camp, think about the ways you present yourself — are you always the wacky buddy, never the bride? It's easiest to process in terms of energy: generally speaking, "charisma" is a buoyant force (bubbly!) while "sexiness" is smokier and more grounded. By all means, stay your charismatic self, but know when to downshift it into sexy territory.
Those are the generalities; now let's zoom in on your dude. It sounds like one of two things could be happening. It may be possible that he is into you, but doesn't know how to bridge "flirting" into "post-apocalyptic banging." Or, he may be less into you as a person and more into the validation and attention you provide him. From my limited vantage point, I suspect he's leaning closer to Option #2. If he's aggressive and proactive enough to invite you out and be touchy-feely, he's likely aggressive enough to have made a move... if he wanted to. Think about your dynamic. Does he seem genuinely interested in your perspective and feelings? Or does he seem more into having someone to grind on while drunk? If he only invites you out to group things, or makes no effort to see you one-on-one, he probably considers you more of a "party buddy" than a viable partner. Just a guess.
Whether my speculation is right or not in your particular case, this is the take-home message: don't let your fixation overwhelm your own faith in your charms. Are you giving him the the spotlight while you're playing Coal Miner #3 in your own life? If it feels like you are, give up the crush and move on.
Want someone to reintegrate with? Meet them on Nerve.