Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.


Dear Miss Information,
I’m a twenty-six-year-old woman who had sex for the first time a few months ago. I didn’t tell my partner it was my first time. Before this, whenever I told a guy that I was a virgin, things got weird. This guy, though, was completely understanding and wonderful, and we’ve become close. Should I tell him that he’s my first? Or will that create more problems? — Nervous Nelly



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Dear Nervous Nelly,
    Go ahead and tell your boyfriend. Yeah, you were lying, and there’s a slim chance he’s going to be pissed, but I doubt it. Unlike "I hate the way you fuck" or "I’m boning my Aikido instructor," "You were my first" is a relatively benign sexual revelation. "Awwwww . . . honey, why didn’t you tell me?" is usually the reaction, followed by the kind of warm affection usually reserved for small children and Chihuahuas in sweaters.
    The longer you’re together, the bigger your lie will get, so you might as well bust it up now. Tell him why you did what you did, but leave out the "Other guys didn’t understand so I was worried you wouldn’t either" stuff. I know you mean it in a positive way, but no one likes to hear themselves being lumped in with other people, especially in a sexual context. Keep your confession simple and sincere, and you should be golden.



Dear Miss Information,
I’m a twenty-three-year-old male who hasn’t had sex for two years. While I’m comfortable with my sexuality (or lack thereof), I’m not interested in sex at all. I still have the capacity to find someone attractive, but that’s about as far as it goes. Additionally, if I were to get into a sexual situation with someone, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to perform at all. I’m not desperate or miserable, but I would like to hear your take on this. — Indefinite Drought

Dear Indefinite Drought,
    I think this "I’m not interested" stuff is a big crock. You’re just compensating because you’re a Fraidy McFraidster. Defense mechanisms like these are common and — along with the good people of Pfizer — can help get us through the day. However, self-administered mindfucks become a problem when they hold us back from doing what we really want to do. And I think what you really want to do is have sex. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be stressing.
    Start by throwing away your calendar. You’re no longer allowed to count off the months/days/minutes because IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. Your dick isn’t a use-it-or-lose-it organ. Next, take advantage of the fact that you’re not a stark raving horndog. Unlike many of your peers, you can take your time and find someone you really like rather than scrape some random loser off a barstool. Once you find your target, start by holding hands and work your way up to nuzzling, necking, petting, oral sex and so on. Making out is all the rage these days, so there’s no need to worry about coming off like a prudish tool. You’re a sensitive emo fuckbunny, so OWN IT. Take as many dates as you need to work up to The Big Event.
    Final piece of advice: consider seeing a therapist. He or she can help you figure out if you’re truly asexual (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing — Morrissey’s made a career out of it) or if my suspicions are correct, and you’re just a guy who needs to get his brain and boner working as a team.

Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. We don’t see a lot of each other because of her commitments to work and her kids. She lives at her mom’s place with them. We never really clicked sexually, so our sex life is just about nonexistent. I’ve brought this up, but she says she’s just not interested in sex and if I have needs I should look outside the relationship.
    I do love this woman, but I miss having sex. I told her that I can’t really be committed to her if I’m out looking to get laid. I know that if I find someone else to screw, it’s over for the two of us. Sometimes I think she’s trying to push me away. Should I just break up with her, or should I go with Plan B — start looking for outside sex and keep seeing her? — One-Woman Guy

Dear One-Woman Guy,
    Let’s see: the sex sucks, you barely get to see her, and after a whole year and a half together, she doesn’t seem to care whether you two break up. Sounds awesome — does she have any brothers? I have a few self-hating female friends who would love to get their digits.
    Breakup rule #1: If you want to meet someone new, you can’t do it halfway. You’ve got to be like one of those extreme sports assholes, skateboarding off a cliff while on fire and chugging a can of Mountain Dew. I know it’s hard to bail when you’ve been together for a long time, but clinging to an old, janked-up relationship will do you no good. I’m sure she’s a nice lady, but she’s emotionally and physically not there for you. As long as you stay with her, your attention is going to be divided, and your chances of meeting anyone worthwhile are slim. Casual fucks rarely turn into real relationships, and that’s basically your Plan B.
    So strap on your flameproof helmet and go for it. You’ll be glad you did.  

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©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com