Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.


Dear Miss Information,
    I love my boyfriend, but I still think about other men. We started dating when I was very young, and recently took a year-and-a-half break. I thought that would fix my wandering eye, but it hasn’t.
    I recently went to an anime convention (which are hotbeds of sin, by the way), and this guy started kissing me and fondling my breasts. I thought it was kind of cute, but he was seventeen (I’m twenty-three), and I wasn’t about to cheat on my boyfriend, so I shoved him away. Now there’s a little voice inside my head saying I was stupid for not doing him, another voice saying I should beg my boyfriend for forgiveness because, quite frankly, I enjoyed it, and yet another voice saying I should prepare to share a cell with the Black Widow because the guy was underage. What voice should I listen to? — Confused at the Con



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Dear Confused,
    I gotta call bullshit here, but I’ll try to do it in the nicest possible way. You’re putting yourself in situations where it’s easy to fuck up, then acting like an innocent bystander when you do. "This guy starts kissing me . . . " Oh really? Just like that? If a random man (excuse me, adolescent) walked up to me and stuck his tongue in my mouth, in about three seconds he’d be on his knees picking up what was left of his retainer.
    I’m not advocating violence — God knows you anime people have endured enough, what with getting your asses kicked all through high school — but I am saying that we all have choices. When you went to a sexually charged convention, you knew what you were doing. You made out with that seventeen year old because you felt conflicted about your relationship. Also, because he was probably hot. Really hot. Okay, moving on . . .
    Given your history with your boyfriend, and given that you’ve tried getting the sex-with-other-people bug out of your system and it hasn’t worked, I would question whether you’ve outgrown this relationship or simply aren’t sufficiently attracted to your boyfriend to make it work on a monogamous level.
    As for the Black Widow thing — there’s a sliding scale when it comes to these kinds of things. Smooching a seventeen year old, realizing it’s wrong and then cutting it off is slimy but relatively tame. Chalk it up to bad judgment, and don’t repeat it, lest you end up in the police blotter.



Dear Miss Information,
    I bought my girlfriend her first vibrator about a month ago. It’s a work of art: handmade in Germany, with state-of-the-art ergonomics. She had her first orgasm while using it and has happily lost count since.
    In spite of all this, she is still somewhat sexually conservative. One night when she wasn’t home, out of curiosity and horniness, I used her vibrator in a very unconservative way. And I liked it. Actually, I loved it.
    I love my girlfriend with all my heart, and I know that heterosexuality and liking some attention in the rear are not mutually exclusive. So why do I feel like I turned gay and cheated on my girlfriend with myself? More importantly, how can I tell her? I’m going to have to keep her away from the vibrator in question until I can buy her a replacement (they aren’t cheap ,either). My number one concern is hurting her. — Bad Vibes

Dear Bad Vibes,
    I know you’re not gay. You know you’re not gay. So let’s all accept your non-gayness and move on. Using someone’s sex toy without their permission is a violation of the “mine vs. yours” rule. Luckily, you’re smart enough to realize this, and that’s why you’ve got another plain brown package on its way from Germany.
    Until it gets there, make up some fib about the batteries breaking open or your pet chinchilla gnawing on the tip. Yes, lying is shitty, but it’s not like you’ve had an illicit affair here. Continuing down the road of sexual progress with your girlfriend is much more important than clearing your butt’s conscience. You made her come for the first time — do you really want to ruin that?
    When the replacement toy arrives, ask your girl to use it on your less-controversial body parts — your inner thighs, balls, the side of your shaft — while she’s giving you a handjob or blowjob. Once she gets comfortable with that, work up to the back door. Be patient — it’s gonna take some time. And make sure you’re ultra-careful with cleanup. The Babeland site has tons of tips on caring for every type of toy imaginable. Better yet, buy your own.

Dear Miss Information,
    I love my girlfriend. I never thought I’d attract someone like her. I’m not well-hung and I don’t last that long, but according to her, what I can do with my tongue should earn me a medal. There’s just one problem: I think I enjoy solo sex more than I do our irregular tumbles. I’ve been online since the dawn of time and have amassed an amazing porn collection. It’s gotten to the point where I actually look forward to the days she’s away so that I can reunite with my fictional fuck buddies. I’ve tried deleting stuff and have come close to recycle-binning the lot, but I just can’t seem to do it. I’m beginning to worry that I’m screwed up. Am I alone in loving my palm more than my paramour? — So Low, Solo

Dear So Low,
    You’re not alone in loving masturbation. It’s like a restaurant that serves your favorite dish, prepared just the way you like it. Furthermore, this restaurant is located in your backyard, it’s open twenty-four hours, and it’s free. No wonder you want to eat there all the time. However, even if what you’re eating is something really awesome (like chocolate-covered bacon), eating one thing all the time is unhealthy in the long term.
    You’ve got two problems. The first is that your sexual self-confidence is shot to shit. “I’m not well hung” and “I don’t last that long” sound like the words of someone whose standards of what’s normal have been warped by too much time watching excessively bronzed guys with shitty haircuts emote over Jenna Jameson.
    The second problem follows the first. Feeling like a loser has caused you to view masturbation as a preferable (read: emotionally safer) alternative to actual sex with your girlfriend. You have a lot of options, whether it’s a formal twelve-step program or something less drastic, like limiting your viewing. Look up “porn addiction” on Google or Wikipedia. There are many good resources out there. Keep both hands on the keyboard, and you should be able to find them.
 

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©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com