Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    My girlfriend almost always orgasms during intercourse, but I rarely do. Part of me thinks this has to do with sensitivity. We use condoms since she’s no longer on the pill.
   But I’m starting to wonder if it has something to do with my fantasy life. I’m into reading erotic stories that deal with me being a sultan in charge of slaves. I can masturbate and achieve orgasm very quickly when using this fantasy.
   Is it wrong to fantasize during sex with my girlfriend without letting her know? If she isn’t into it, what will I do? — The Sultan


Dear Sultan,
    There’s nothing wrong with playing “I Dream of (Dirty Filthy) Jeannie” while you’re screwing your girlfriend. Imagining your partner in a particular situation or power dynamic is a really common fantasy (myself, I fantasy-fuck mafiosos and carnie trash) and less ethically skeevy than pretending your partner is someone else.
   Whether you want to share is your choice. Why not try having sex a few times while indulging in your fantasy and see if it gets you off? If so, then be like Billy Joel and Tell Her About It (just stay off the sauce and out of Betty Ford). If she’s not into it, then whatever. She doesn’t have to play along, and you’re on your own.
   Keep seeking alternate solutions to the sensitivity issue. They are doing some crazy NASA-level shit with condoms these days, and there are tons of different sensitizers on the market, not to mention techniques and positions. It wouldn’t hurt to get a quick check-up at the doctor, either.

Dear Miss Information,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. Right now we’re on a weeklong no-talking streak, but I’m dying for him to call me. I love and miss him and truly believe we can work it out. Just one problem: while doing some internet stalking, I found some very incriminating evidence that he might be bisexual/gay (i.e. butt photos on a gay personals web site). I’m shocked. I never had any question about his sexuality before now. What should I do? — Bi-Curious

Dear Bi-Curious,
    Your choices are a) open your mouth and look like a psycho; or b) keep quiet and worry about whether the last two years of your life were a sham. Now aren’t you glad you played super-awesome Internet detective?
   I would wait it out and see if the breakup is going to stick. If it does, don’t tell him and go get tested for STDs.
   If you guys get back together, admit what you did and see if he has a decent explanation for the ass shots. Avoid going all confrontational — you’re the one who fucked up here, so it’s not really your place to get all huffy. Then go get tested for STDs.
   Lest my readers accuse me of assuming bisexual/gay folks are automatic carriers of crotch cooties, I’ll have you know that getting tested is always a good idea after a breakup, or if you suspect your partner has been cheating. In this case, Bi-Curious has reason to be suspicious on both counts.

Dear Miss Information,

My fiancée and I broke up about eighteen months ago. I’ve since managed to move on. I started a new job and have been dating a really great girl for the last five months. Whenever I’ve run into my ex, we’ve been civil, even friendly. The problem is, lately I’ve been running into her a lot — most recently, at a bar, where we almost kissed. I put the brakes on before anything happened, but now every time I see her, I think about her naked. I have no desire to rekindle our relationship, but I can’t stop imagining having sex with her again. I don’t know what to do. — Hot for The Ex

Dear Hot for The Ex,
    Exes have a funny way of becoming a thousand times more fuckable the minute they stop being the same inconsiderate fuckface who forgets to replace the liner when they take the garbage out of the can. It’s like what they say about childbirth — the body forgets about the pain. Otherwise, people would never want to have a second child or get into another relationship.
   Half of staying out of trouble is studiously avoiding the situations that put you there in the first place, so start going to different nightspots. Develop a newfound love of oyster bars if she’s allergic to shellfish, or steakhouses if she can’t look at red meat without quoting Linda McCartney.
   Next, think back to all the times you two argued, all the times she stepped on your feelings, all the reasons big and small why you broke up. Commit this info to memory or jot it down and read it over before your girlfriend goes out of town or you go to a mandatory party where you know your ex will be.
   Finally, take a look at what’s going on with Miss Five Monther. Has the sex gotten routine? Channel that excess horniess into something dirty and creative.

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