Miss Information

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"It sounds so melodramatic, but I don't feel safe having sex with him."


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Dear Miss Information,

I am a late-20s gal who has been dating an amazing, wonderful, smokin’ hot guy for about three months now. We had insane chemistry since day 1. We met at a bar, hooked up in the bathroom (which I never do), and have been inseparable ever since. I know it’s early, but we so totally “get” each other, emotionally, mentally, and, er, physically. 

Here’s the snag: He let slip in casual conversation the other day that he’s “pro-life.” I’m really not. I even had an abortion several years ago and never looked back. He doesn’t know about this, and I don’t think he should. We’re careful when we have sex and always use protection, but I’m kind of neurotic and can’t stop thinking about the “what-ifs”.  I know first-hand that accidents happen even when you’re responsible. 

This conversation was a week or so ago, but I can’t shake this discomfort. I don’t feel safe having sex with him. It sounds so melodramatic, I know! Just something in me changed, I don’t know. I know I’d choose abortion again, I don’t know what I’d do if he weren’t on board. I can’t be burdened with forcing him to come around/ do something against his beliefs/ explaining to him why it’s the best choice, if that makes sense. 

This is such a small thing, though, and otherwise he’s the perfect man. Did I mention hot? Things are really, really good otherwise. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel like I’m being crazy for feeling like this matters so much. How do I snap out of it?

—And Fetus Makes 3

Dear And Fetus Makes 3,

You say it’s “a small thing,” but it really isn’t. “Pro-choice” or “Pro-life” are both heady, theoretical balloons tethered to messy realities on the ground. Unlike other beliefs or preferences (“I’m just not into recycling, man!”, “You know, Paul Walker is really underrated”), stances on reproductive rights can’t be dismissed as a personal quirk—it’s a belief that may be called into practice sometime in your relationship. You’re right: that’s a ton of pressure. 

There is hope, though. When he says “pro-life,” he may not necessarily mean “Texan Senator”: his stance may be nowhere near as stark as you fear. Both “pro-life” and “pro-choice” are catch-call terms that cover a huge range of nuance. Talk to him about it. In fact, you’re overdue for something every couple should have: a contingency plan. If you’re going to sleep with someone, you should plan for the possibility of a wayward pregnancy—it’s not sexy or cute, but it will save miles of heartache later. Address these things before you need to, and everyone should sleep a little easier.