Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.


Dear Miss Information,

How do I get my new boyfriend interested in performing oral sex on me? We have sex regularly and I’ve performed oral for him. When I bring it up, he says that he likes doing it sometimes, but doesn’t want to be pressured into it. We’ve been going out for a month and he’s only gone down there once to examine the area and suck on my clitoris for less than thirty seconds. I don’t want to pressure him. He’s a very supportive boyfriend and I feel like I’m in love with him. What should I do? — Feeling Licked


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Dear Feeling Licked,
In high school, whenever I wanted to avoid doing stuff I didn’t want to do (pretty much everything except sulking and listening to shitty goth music), I would tell my mom that I was more than willing to do it, if only she would stop pressuring me. In reality, I was just a normal, surly teenager, and taking out the trash, calling my grandma and writing my college essays were the last things in the world I wanted to do. No amount of pressure (or non-pressure) was going to change that fact.
What I’m saying is, the whole "lay off me" routine was just an excuse. Such is the case with your boyfriend. People seldom put off shit they genuinely want to do, particularly when it’s part of what most people consider sexually routine. It’s not like you’re asking him to sign up for hormone injections or shove a monster-sized dildo up his ass for the first time.
It is theoretically possible your boyfriend does want to go downtown, but he’s shy and thinks he’s no good. Either that, or the last girl he ate out tasted like canned salmon from the dollar store and now he’s repulsed at the very thought. You’re not going to know which one it is until you two talk. Any guy who wants to keep getting laid is probably not going to tell you he doesn’t dig eating pussy, but at least you can get more of a feel for where he’s at on the oral issue.
If your boyfriend refuses to give in (or at least compromise), you’re going to have to decide your course of action. You can try withholding blowjobs from him, but no one really wins in a sexual cold war. Things just escalate and lead to more crappiness, like that Scorpions song about the Berlin Wall. Remember: unless you’re both getting what you want and need, you two probably aren’t sexually compatible, and it’s best to part ways before you get any closer. Your pussy (and your sanity) will thank you.



Dear Miss Information,
My truly awful six-month relationship ended last month, and the woman in question has been emailing and calling me, wanting to remain friends and be in touch. I’ve been ignoring the messages up until now. Here’s why: she was obviously still infatuated with an ex-boyfriend, whom she had continued to hook up with up until a month before we dated (the last time was a threesome with one of his exes). As his current relationship became more serious, she would become increasingly upset and cry, and would get angry and defensive whenever I would call her on it.
She also had a recent past I had a hard time coming to terms with, which involved — among other things — lots of casual sex with lots of people in public places, including a threesome with two strangers in a public park at four in the morning. I often tried to leave, only to be talked into staying with tears and begging, which I was susceptible to not only because I’m too sensitive for my own good, but because her father was diagnosed with cancer while we were together.
After months of this hell, she suddenly informed me that she wanted out. She had already put up a personals profile declaring herself single and had set up a date before things were officially over. My question is this: How do I get closure? I’m feeling extremely angry over having been emotionally manipulated, deceived, and used. Do I continue the silent treatment and just thank my lucky stars it’s over, or do I send a long letter telling her what I think of her in painful detail? — Kicked Dog Wants to Bite Leg

Dear Dog:
You may have been fucked up to stay with this sorry-ass excuse for a female, but you’re on the right track with the silent treatment. While I’m all for getting your feelings out and expressing emotions, that New Age talk-therapy shit doesn’t necessarily apply to relationships that make Sid & Nancy look like a tender love story. Sometimes it’s best to just stay the fuck away. Go ahead and write that long letter if you must, but tear it up when you’re done.
So it sounds like 99% of this is not your fault, but I will say one thing: you seem to know an awful lot about your ex’s sexual escapades. While it’s too late to go back and change the past, you should consider whether that’s a road you want to go down with the next girl. Beyond the questions that are necessary for preventing disease (when’s the last time you were tested? do your genitals resemble a petri dish?) and birth control (are you pro-life? pro-choice? pro-let’s-just-get-a-puppy?), you shouldn’t dig much deeper if you’re not prepared to handle what you’re going to hear.
Most people aren’t — that’s why most people don’t talk about that kind of shit. I’m not saying things would’ve been any different if you hadn’t heard about her pre-relationship philandering, but you’ve already acknowledged you’re a sensitive guy and it sounds like her slutty disclosures certainly helped worsen what was already a negatively charged emotional climate.
Final piece of advice: if you haven’t already done so, take up the blues, write a book, or find some other way to express your angst. These kind of epic emotional disasters only come about once or twice in a lifetime and, while shitty to suffer through, they do make for great material.



Dear Miss Information,

I have a great, well-balanced life. Occasionally I enjoy drinking a beer or two and watching girls dance (not the jitterbug, if you get my drift). About a year ago, I started crushing on this one dancer. She is really special — beautiful, sweet, funny, compassionate. I listen to her problems, and I really care about her.
She is not a trusting person. Strip bars do not facilitate trusting relationships. But we’ve gone to breakfast and to lunch a few times, and we’ve been out drinking together. Spending time together when she is not working and worrying about customers is much more relaxing and fun. Sometimes, when I have a few too many, I tell her how much she means to me. At first she responds, but then she retreats. It’s as if she doesn’t want me to be too nice/too attached/too in love. So I back off.
I know she needs friends, so I don’t go away, but I do wish I knew how to gain her trust so we could spend more time together. Do you have any ideas? — Enchanted


D
ear Enchanted,
Assuming this girl’s not hitting you up for money, drugs, or a new Nissan, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make a relationship bloom under somewhat difficult circumstances. (By the way — sorry to stereotype all you dancers out there, but common sense demands I make that disclaimer.)

You’re right when you say that strip bars do not facilitate trusting relationships, and spending time together in a non-sexually charged environment (breakfast, lunch, etc.) is a good way to go about building that trust. Another way is to be clear with her about what you want. You say you’re not going away because you know she needs friends, but it sounds more to me like you’re waiting around for something more. That’s totally understandable (who wouldn’t want a stripper with a heart of gold?), but know that pulling the "I’m just your buddy" act while secretly wanting to bone her is not doing either of you guys any good. She’s eventually going to see through it and wind up feeling like your friendship is shallow. You’re eventually going to become frustrated with keeping your amorous intentions in check and playing the role of neutered male.

Why not stop with the drunken confessions, lay your cards on the table, and see how she reacts? If she says yes, invite me to the wedding. I’ll bring my thong and clear plastic heels. If she says no (or keeps hemming and hawing), be prepared to cut the friendship off until you can get your feelings for her under control, or accept your status as platonic friend. And actually mean it this time.  

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©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com