Advice

Miss Information

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I’m a very petite woman, and for a long time I’ve had a fantasy about engaging in rape-play with a man.

Dear Miss Information,

I’m a very petite woman, and for a long time I’ve had a fantasy about engaging in rape-play with a man. That is to say, I want to physically overwhelm and take him, with the greatest degree of realism possible. I’ve never been a victim of assault or anything, nor do I have any interest in actually raping anybody. Just, for whatever reason, this idea turns me on. I’m dating a guy right now who is lovely and sweet and totally willing to experiment with this kink. Hooray! But the problem is that I’m much smaller and weaker than my six foot tall, 240 pound guy. So finding a scenario that gratifies my urge to be physically in control while remaining within the bounds of what we consider safe and acceptable has been… difficult. 

Ideas we've discarded: I’m blackmailing him, I handcuff him by surprise to a chair, I get him irresponsibly drunk, I drug him, we pretend that I have previously drugged him and he "wakes up" already bound, I threaten him with a knife, and several others. All rejected (many with good reason– no amount of trust makes a knife at someone’s throat sound sexy). 

I’m starting to worry that what I want is so impossible to actually achieve that it's doomed to stay a fantasy forever. Should I give up on the idea that there's a viable scenario?

—Bound to Fail?

Dear Bound,

There are a lot of fantasies that people can’t possibly explore in real life in a literal way: breast expansion and centaur fantasies come to mind, and I’m sure there are many others that are impossible to fulfill exactly as they’re imagined – that’s where good erotica and an active imagination come in handy. The alternative, of course, is to settle for a practical fantasy that still contains elements of what hoists your sails most. For the breast expansion crew there are inflatable bras, for example – they don’t actually make your boobs grow to be the size of your head and then the size of watermelons and then the size of hot air balloons until you float away, pulled up in to the air by your mammoth mammaries, never to be heard from again. But they can add a couple of cup sizes, and for some people that’s enough to suggest the fantasy, along with some verbalization and some good old in-between-the-ears enhancement. Your brain is a really important sex organ, after all. 

What I’m getting at is that, no, you’re not going to be able to come up with an air-tight, completely believable scenario where you can actually physically overpower somebody who could in real life carry you around in a backpack. You might have to scale down what you consider the greatest amount of realism possible, and focus on what’s really, truly possible. But, using the powers of imaginaaaaation (imagine wind chimes and mystical music playing as I said that, as a rainbow arcs behind sparkly silver bubble letters spelling it out) and some flexibility, you should be able to agree on a pre-arranged game of grown-up make-believe that can sweep you up into enough of the fantasy to get you off. 

I think a little role play could help: maybe you’re a sexy Mata Hari-like spy, and you use your wiles and mental jujitsu to overpower him. Maybe you’re a lady ninja, and your martial arts prowess allows you to use your partner’s strength and size against him. Maybe you trip him up with some Rube Goldberg system a la Kevin McAllister catching the burglars in Home Alone. There’s lots of options here. I don’t see why you guys vetoed the fake blackmail or the “oh my goodness, I woke up from a (fake) stupor and now I’m tied to the bed” plans – this kind of creative workaround might be the closest you’re going to get. 

I’m guessing part of what turns you on is the total dominance – does it really have to be brute physical strength to work for you? Can you pretend you’re an Olympic weightlifter and you really do have the muscle to clean and jerk him? He could just go along with it, as if you two were stage fighting. Or if you’re patient, you could get really into CrossFit or something until you really do have the strength to (safely!) overpower someone twice your size, and put a pin in this fantasy until you get there.

If you are able to agree on a scenario that sounds good enough to both of you to go through with it, you’re going to need to hash out a very detailed game plan. You don’t want him to actually feel scared at any point, and you don’t want to injure him. You’re basically asking him to be a stunt man for your fantasy, and he should be able to trust you completely and feel completely safe in your hands, even if the play includes him pretending otherwise. He needs to know what to expect from you, and you need to agree on what (if anything) is off limits. You need a safe word, too, in case either of you gets freaked out or feels out of control. And if planning it out takes away some of the fun or you can’t agree on a scenario, then this fantasy should stay solely in your spank bank a bit longer until you’re ready to take it out into the real world responsibly.