Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
    When I fool around with guys, they usually go down on me first for a while, without it being enough for me to get off. Then I’ll return the favor, and we’ll have sex. The guy will usually get off before me. I think it’s normal for me to need a little more attention to climax. What’s reasonable for me to expect from a guy after they come? Sometimes I just want to start playing with myself to finish the job. Is it appropriate for me to ask them to kiss and finger me while I rub my clit so I can come, too? — I Like Getting High First



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Dear I Like Getting High
    No, it’s not appropriate. You’re supposed to wipe the guy’s come off the small of your back, fetch him a beer and flick on the Xbox.
    The easy solution is to go first. If you get psyched out by the pressure, or your guy isn’t known across fifty states for his dick control, then it’s completely appropriate to enlist his aid. Getting a guy who’s just shot his wad to help you come can be a little like giving a lecture to a narcoleptic hippie with a learning disorder. It’s going to take lots of visual and auditory cues (dirty talk, boob flashing) to keep Mr. Blissful awake and on task. Try gearing the project toward his rapidly declining skill level (i.e., finger fucking vs. complicated positions involving wedge-shaped pillows). Failing that, you can always work yourself over while he watches. You get what you want right away, and he gets a good show. Personally, I like to ham it up, but if you’re shy, start out with your eyes closed.
    Also, try not getting high. I know the medical evidence is mixed, but pot makes me drier than one of those "do not eat" packets that comes with a pair of cheap pumps. Save the Cheech and Chong shit for later, when you’re feeding each other ice cream.



Dear Miss Information,
    How do I ask an ex-girlfriend if we can be sex buddies? We had a decent friendship and fabulous sex, but the romantic thing didn’t seem to work, and I ended things. Every once in a while, I find myself wishing she would come over for a long session. But I’m worried that if I ever proposed such an idea to her, she would find it incredibly insulting. Is it possible to suggest a strictly sexual relationship without coming off as a total asshole? — Pizza Party

Dear Pizza Party,
    Fuck friends can’t be manufactured. They evolve over time, like a fine wine of the screwtop varietal. Sure there are people who enter into explicit arrangements, and everything’s all free and mature and adult and open. But those people play tennis in the nude and use words like “polyfolk,” and I don’t claim to understand their kind. I can only tell you how I’d go about it:
    Take your girl out for drinks, a “hey, let’s catch up” kind of thing that’s basically a fuck friend interview. There, you will gather the following essential information:
    1. If she’s not seeing anyone exclusively;
    2. If she appears to be over you and feeling cool about where you two stand;
    3. If she’s making hints about not having been laid in a while, or acting horny/flirty.
    Getting answers to all of the above will be a little tricky, but you have to risk being obvious if you want to have sex sometime this century. If the answers to all the above questions are affirmative, invite her over for that Indian-leg-wrestling-on-the-sofa ritual euphemistically known as "watching a DVD," or take her to the low-lit bar with a makeout room in the back. If she says no to any of these (especially #2), hide that hard-on behind a cocktail napkin and seek opportunities elsewhere. In case you haven’t noticed, the dating scene isn’t exactly chaste these days. Sometimes it’s easier to find someone, start it out sexual and stay that way.
 

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m twenty-one and sort-of-dating a nineteen-year-old guy. It’s been mostly long distance, with no promises or implications of fidelity while we’re apart. I’m high maintenance, and I don’t always feel like he’s up to the task of making me feel appreciated. I’ve considered sitting down to have the “you need to express your feelings more” talk, but he’s technically a teenage boy and I can only expect so much, right? I beg for your expert advice, so long as it doesn’t include shaking him loose. — A Total Catch

Dear Total Catch,
    A two-year age difference doesn’t amount to shit, and it’s not what’s wrong here. The problem is an insecure girl and an emotionally stunted boy in a highly precarious dating situation. Long-distance relationships are always hard; what makes this one even worse is the fact that neither of you knows the other isn’t fucking someone else on any given night. Not that I blame you — your arrangement makes sense considering your ages and geographic locations — but feeling cool about all of it is probably not going to happen, even for the most emotionally evolved of individuals.
    Have the “express your feelings” talk, and while you’re at it, have the “where do we eventually plan to go with this” talk as well. Sometimes clarifying your intentions is helpful, even if your intentions are to be less serious. Once I had a frank talk with a fuck friend that resulted in him being way more reliable and attentive once he found out I wasn’t redlining dinette sets in the IKEA catalogue.  

   

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