Advice

Miss Information

Pin it

My typical roleplaying games aren't doing it for me anymore. How can I remain interested in my kinks?

Have a question for Miss Information? Send it to missinfo@nerve.com. Submissions may be edited.

Dear Miss Information,

I am a 23-year-old heterosexual woman.  My boyfriend and I have been together for two and half years (living together for one and a half), and love each other very much.  In many ways, our relationship has never been better, but recently, our sex life has just not been doing it for me.  Since the very beginning of our relationship, we have been very open about our respective kinks (of which there are many) and have both really enjoyed sharing and exploring these with each other.  But recently, the fantasies and activities that used to really turn me on no longer do – instead, they leave me feeling bored and unfulfilled.  My boyfriend still loves engaging in our "standards," but nothing really appeals to me anymore.  It's not like sex has become unbearable for me, but since our roleplaying no longer interests me, I just end up feeling like a prop and that's starting to make me feel resentful.  I know he would be down for anything I would suggest, but I just don't have any suggestions!

Please advise – I love my boyfriend, and would love to reinvigorate our sex life, but I don't know how!

—Bored and Disinterested

Dear Bored and Disinterested,

It’s great that you two kinky lovebirds have found each other and have made a little nest from which to set off on all kinds of fun, novel sex expeditions. But sometimes once you’ve charted new territory, it’s less exciting to go back and visit a place you’ve already mapped. If you’ve been happily boinking each other for two and a half years, your standards must be pretty standard indeed. Sex is like anything else: sometimes your tastes change and what was once exciting becomes old hat. And if your old reliable is to pretend you’re a pair of Cold War spies from rival sides or that you’re a randy nurse and he’s a bad, bad patient, I can see how the excitement might wear thin after a few hundred run-throughs.

If you’re sick of the same old roleplay, flogging, and PVC bodysuits and nothing new is looking particularly shiny to you, maybe it’s best to just go back to basics for a little while. Talk to him about this: if you’re open enough to talk about kink, you should be open enough to bring it up when the sex isn’t working for you. If you have a partner who wants to make you happy, and it sounds like you do, hash it out at a neutral time – not right before, during, or after sex. If too much role play has you feeling like a prop (and that’s the qualm that jumps out at me), maybe you might put a pin in the roleplay for a little while and just have sex as two people who love each other, with no agenda or bells and whistles, and see where that takes you. If you’ve tried all the zaniest ice cream flavors you can think of and you’re all sugared out, you might be surprised at how refreshing and satisfying a little vanilla can be. It sounds like you have the kind of intimacy where you should be able to gauge what your partner will or will not be into, so if you’re moved in the moment to take it in a juicier direction (triple kink raspberry swirl) you can run with it.

The issue could also be that you're just finding sex too predictable and shaking it up in any way at all might help. Try giving him a few cues (please do this thing I like, roughly/gently, make me feel like the fucking goddess of sex, etc.) and tell him to surprise you with something new. He probably knows you and your body well enough that he'll figure something out, or if you're uncomfortable giving him the reins, you can watch some porn or read some erotica together and choose some things you'd like to try in real life.

And if nothing at all sounds good to you, and you’d rather have no sex at all, be sure that you're not just bored by the man you live with — sometimes it's hard to get yourself all hot and bothered over the person who leaves dirty dishes in the sink and pees with the door open, no matter how much you love them. Familiarity can breed contempt, or in your case, lackluster sex. Hopefully you’re both still sexually compatible, but are in a bit of a lull.

Stress can also be a libido killer: are you maxed out at work or with family stress or friend drama that has nothing to do with your boyfriend? That might be sapping your sex drive without you knowing it. Sometimes in a long-term relationship there's an ebb and flow to sex. Just because you're not feeling it as much now doesn't mean your groove won't come back with a vengeance in a week or two. Ride it out, and if all else is well with you and the relationship, you'll be riding each other again in no time.

Image via Veer.