Miss Information

"I like to be spanked and I like to be spanked only by women."

by sarah jaffe

Have a question for Miss Information? Send it to missinfo@nerve.com. Submissions may be edited.

Dear Miss Information,

I am a mostly heterosexual woman who is mostly attracted to men and I desire them as sexual partners. I have a problem, however, which is that I like to be spanked, and I like to be spanked only by women and women older than I am. The problem is I don't want to tell anyone of my secret. I don't want to tell my current boyfriend nor anyone else and am afraid others will find out. I wouldn't want to tell even my husband if I had one. Is this so dishonest of me to keep it a secret?

—Spanky Panky

Dear Spanky,

Is it dishonest of you to keep this a secret? No, not dishonest per se. But is it still a bad idea? Yes. You’ve got the kind of secret that you don’t want to share with a boyfriend or husband (as my old-country landlady used to disdainfully refer to my boyfriend, the cosigner of our lease, “your boyfrand, or hoosband, or whoever he is”), but that will likely come out eventually if you keep engaging in the secret behavior. Danger, Will Robinson. It’s like your house is on fire, and you don’t want to burn to death but you don’t want to put out the fire either. Eventually that burning house of spanks is going to crumble and you’ll be left with no good explanation of how or why it happened. Because, see, let’s say you don’t tell your partner that you like to get your ass slapped by a cougar once in a while, and he eventually finds out, he’s going to be so much more upset than if you’d just told him yourself.

You don’t have to tell your partner, of course. You could just take it to the grave and hope he never finds out by accident. But why? You’d be heaping unnecessary shame onto a fairly innocuous fetish, and you’d be looking over your shoulder every time you went out to get your spank on. If you’re meeting women in bars or on the internet and one of them is particularly unpleasant, she could decide for any number of nefarious reasons to blow up your spot. So unless the danger of being caught is part of your kink, why leave yourself room to be exposed? If you’re not embarrassed by your kinks then no one else can use them as a tool to embarrass you, either. 

Is liking to get spanked by older women outside of your heterosexual relationships a garden-variety interest? Not really, but honestly, as far as kinks go, this one is pretty tame. It doesn’t sound like the spanking is tied up in other sexual desires for you, but rather that it’s an interest that’s fairly discrete from the rest of your sex life. So it’s a pretty safe disclosure to make to a long-term partner – he might be a little surprised or wary at first, but if the man you love and supposedly trust is open-minded, this kink is a pretty easy one to be cool about. It doesn’t really take anything away from him – you still want to have sex with him, but you also want to get spanked by women every now and again.  Maybe this could be something your boyfriend might even be interested in watching if you were okay with that. Presumably your boyfriend wouldn’t blab your secret all over town, since it seems unlikely that he tells people about other aspects of your sex life (or discloses other secrets you tell him in confidence), so telling the person you’re with won’t mean everyone in your life will look at you start whispering about how much you like to be spanked.

If you really can’t bear the idea of coming clean, that’s not a one-way ticket to relationship hell, and you’re under no obligation to roll that info out right away. But it might be worth it to think about why you’re so afraid of being honest with your partner about all your desires, no? After all, what’s the point of being with someone if you don’t feel safe being yourself with them?

Image via sanickels

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