Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
   My last relationship was three and a half years ago. It was a total wreck filled with cheating and lies. I’ve since become a serial dater and vowed to never date an Asian guy again since my last boyfriend was Asian (I know I shouldn’t generalize but I can’t help it). A couple weeks ago, I met someone and I find myself thinking about him constantly. He’s Asian and has a lot in common with my last boyfriend — same birthday sign, same attitude, same look and even the same initials. What sucks is that this new guy has blown me off twice already in the last three weeks and I am feeling weak and rejected. All this time I have been dating all these OTHER types of guys only to have feelings for someone just like my last boyfriend. Should I just forget this Asian guy and move on before I get myself more involved? Is this the old “girls like assholes” cliché? I haven’t had feelings for years and now this guy has somehow managed to make me feel this way. HELP. — Jaded


Dear Jaded,
   It’s not an Asian fetish you’ve got, but rather a thing for guys who are assholes. I guarantee you if I introduced you to some nice Asian guy who kisses your ass you’d be making a beeline for the next Kevin Federline Caucasian. It’s how you girls with low self-opinion roll.
   But don’t get too down on yourself, because you have made some progress in the past three years. You’ve tried your hand at serial dating, experienced what sounds like a good variety of men, and have started to recognize some of your own emotional patterns. The question: Now that you know what you’re doing, can you cut it the fuck out?
   Lock yourself in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and start chanting these important mantras:
   1. How a boy feels about me does not define who I am.
   2. I only like guys who like me back.
   Repeat until you start believing them (or until your roommate needs in).

Dear Erin,
I’m a tell-it-like-it-is type of guy, but how do I tell a woman her vagina smells like rotten fish? I actually gagged going down on her the other day and now I don’t want to do it again. Her smell stayed in my bedroom the next morning even though she went home that night. I had to wash my sheets! I’m worried her “not so freshness” may be some sort of medical problem. Please advise. — The Sniffer

Dear Sniffer,
   Eating pussy should be a pleasant dining experience. If the atmosphere isn’t all it should be then you have every right to speak to the management. You’re not being some kind of nice guy sex hero by keeping this from her. Most chicks will tell you that the only thing more mortifying than a guy going down on them when their box smells like lox is the thought of a guy repeatedly enduring the stench without telling them.
   The indirect way: Suggest a pre-sex shower. If her pussy still smells rank then there may be a little medical something-something involved. Ask her to get checked out and offer to do the same yourself (hey, you never know).
   The direct way: Talk to her the next time you notice a bad smell downtown. Be tactful. Be cool. Say something to the effect of “I know I’m probably not winning any awards for my odor, either.” Even if this is a lie and you’re a total hygiene whore, you want her to feel like you guys are in this together. Reward positive behavior liberally and stay away from “not so fresh” jokes unless a kick in the baby-maker is your idea of a good time.


Dear Miss Information,
   I’ve been having a difficult time dealing with a loss in my family. My boyfriend initially offered to attend the funeral with me, but I don’t think he ever really intended to go. Needless to say, he didn’t show and my best friend had to be my emotional support. We’ve been having problems for a while now (mainly trust issues on my part), but this is too painful to ignore. I love him, but I don’t want to be in an emotionally harmful relationship anymore. Got any advice for me? — Pissed in Port City

Dear Pissed in Port City,
   As a matter of fact, I do. Dump him. Dump him now.
   The funeral thing alone is sufficient grounds for a pink slip, but leaving that out of the equation on the off-chance he’s a nice guy who just can’t deal with stiffs, there’s also the way you’ve described your current relationship. “Emotionally harmful’ and “trust issues” don’t exactly go hand-in-hand with adjectives like “healthy” and “happy”, now do they?
   It sounds like you’re internalizing a lot of his bullshit, something that’s easy to do when you’re stuck with a controlling douche, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You do not have to be writing letters to dating columnists asking whether it’s okay to be mad because your own boyfriend STOOD YOU UP at a fucking FAMILY FUNERAL. This kind of behavior is not cool and it’s not normal.
   Dump him now and have less reason to be depressed during the holidays and one more reason to mouth-maul a cute stranger on New Year’s Eve.  


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