Advice

Miss Information

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Miss Information

Even Google Maps doesn’t yet know where your soulmate might live.

Have a question for Miss Information? Send it to missinfo@nerve.com. Submissions may be edited.

Dear Miss Information,

I am a 23 year old woman, with an abused past, a history of clinical depression, and an ongoing battle with a rare physical illness. Needless to say, I'm not an outdoor person. I work from home and have only begun establishing myself as a writer. I'm also involved with a lot of support-groups; volunteering is a cause I really relate to.

I've had only one relationship in the past, and it was quite serious. However, for many reasons, it did not last and my hopes of finding love again were completely crushed. It's been two years and I've slowly managed to get over it finally. Of late, I've begun to ache for love again. I feel it from within that I'm ready. You know how it is when you feel you're ready for something? 

I want a soulmate, someone to build a loving, long-lasting relationship with. But I don't know if and how I'll ever find a man who will accept me with all my baggage. With my physical condition, I'm most comfortable at home. How am I ever going to find a man to love? More importantly, will I find a man who'll accept me despite my dark past, my fragile health, and different needs? I don't have an office to go to, I don't party, and online dating seems risky. How will I ever meet the soulmate I so long for?

— Longing & Lonesome

Dear Longing,

You know, offices, parties, and the internet spawn a lot of romances. But I don’t know how many of these are necessarily lasting. These are often unions borne of convenience, proximity, and mutual horniness. Fun? Sure. Soulmate-clinching? Maybe. Maybe not. More often not. So you’re not missing out on much here. Banish that FOMO! 

That said, it is harder to meet new people when you keep to yourself. But you’re already doing so many of the things I’d normally suggest: pursuing creative goals? Check. Getting involved with causes that interest you? Check. Seeking out like-minded individuals? Check. See, you may just be starting out as a writer, but words and ideas travel quickly. Expressing yourself, especially publicly, sends ripples outward, and these ripples may knock against the ankles of someone for whom your words resonate, someone who may seek you out. Are you writing publicly? Are you blogging? I suggest it, and I suggest finding a community of other bloggers with whom you can connect to share ideas and expand your social circle without leaving home. Fellow volunteers are already pre-vetted as being kindhearted folks who share at least some of your values, right? And support group members are likely to understand where you’re coming from. These are all great starting points for paths with which someone who might pique your interest could cross. And hey, reconsider online dating. Try it before you decide it’s not for you. You might be right, but you might be surprised.

Here’s the thing, though: I can’t conjure you a soulmate. I can’t promise one to you; I can’t offer to hold you one like I might hold you a seat at the movies. I can’t write you directions to how to find one. Even Google Maps doesn’t yet know where your soulmate might live. I can’t tell you what a man neither of us have met might or might not be willing to deal with, to look past, to grasp firmly, and embrace. You’ll have to wait to meet him and find out then. Ideally, would a potential soulmate be understanding of a dark past, fragile health, and different needs? Of course. 

I wish you’d mentioned what kind of illness you have, since I don’t want to seem insensitive in my advice, and I don’t know what your needs are.  If you’re dealing with something that impedes your ability to communicate, to perform daily tasks independently, or to do things like sit in a park in the sun safely, then you might have a harder row to hoe, but who cares? 

There are healthy, happy people who are unlucky in love as well. Heartache spares none of us. You might not be able to do anything about your health or your needs, but you can surely work on your issues. Your past, no matter how dark, does not have to define you. If you’re still reeling from a bad childhood and/or battling the dark beast of depression, do all the work you can on yourself. Come to terms with the ugliness that happened to you, but turn your face to all the beauty lying before you. You can’t control the condition of your body, but you can control the condition of your spirit. Keep fighting the good fight. Take that sense of readiness and harness it. Get out there to the best of your ability. If you're feeling the breeze of something big and good swiftly coming your way, prepare yourself to be your best, your most open, to greet it.

Image via gx cheung