Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’ve always been a commitment girl, falling from one high-impact relationship into another. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. Now I suddenly find myself emotionally invested in six guys and one girl, all of whom are either pursuing or being pursued by me. I find every one of them attractive, but my plate is suddenly too full. The idea of having so many prospective mates/dates around is very new, and it’s got me feeling greedy and ravenous. Where do I start? — Full Of It


Dear Full Of It,
    Going all crazy-ass is a rite of passage for serial monogamists who’ve recently kicked the habit. I know from experience that it’s fun as hell. I also know it can be overwhelming.
    Begin by figuring out what kind of relationship you want and what kind of person you’re looking to meet. This is likely to change a lot in your first year as a single girl, so be flexible. Devise strategies for both the short- and the long-term. Be honest with everyone about your intentions. Once you’ve done that, take a look at the people you’re currently seeing (for you, this may involve an Excel spreadsheet). How many of these boys and girls mesh with your master plan? You don’t necessarily need to chuck them if they don’t, but know that any time spent with them takes you a little further from where you want to be.
    Finally, take care of yourself. I cannot stress this enough. The Summer of Two Jamies and a Josh will go down as one of the most pleasurable eras of my life, but it also came at a cost: neglected friends, tardy slips at work and a nice little liquor-shaped gut. See as many people as you want but don’t forget to take care of business as well. Or risk the same fate as Elvis.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’ve been married for two years to a wonderful man. We’re steadily building a life together. But I have a problem: though I’ve never been with a woman, sometimes when I’m at my horniest, I find myself fantasizing that I’m in a clutch with some cute blonde or sultry brunette. Perhaps part of what’s driving this fantasy is the discrepancy between my husband’s sex-drive and mine. Ideally, I’d like to do it every night, but he’s a once-a-week man and not very adventurous. Before we got married, this was not the case. Can you sort through this psychological jumble? — Hormonal & Horny

Dear Hormonal & Horny,
    You’re not bi, you’re bored. Or you’re bi and bored. Or you’re like me: bi, but only for girls with dark hair and big racks and only after a ridiculous number of drinks. But however you want to spin it, you’re still bored.
    When you’re bored, your imagination will often wander outside the usual repertoire for fantasy material. Your off-the-menu item just happens to be women. This is not at all sexually deviant (you should see my “Holy Shit, That’s Disturbing" folder). It’s also no threat to your marriage as long as you’re not cruising the dyke-bar circuit solo.
    What is troubling is a sex life that used to be hot and has stalled. Quit hiding your girl crushes. Share them. There are safe outlets that should cater to your husband’s vanilla tastes, no Girl-on-Girl Slutz videos required.
    If the same-sex stuff is out of the question (life can’t always be a commercial for beer or male body-spray) then you guys will need to work together to make fucking as fun and experimental as it was in days of yore. When you do, I bet the bisexual fantasies will become a lot less distracting. Simply find a sex therapist who can point you in the right direction.


Dear Miss Information,
    I work in an industrial-model shop and am exposed to lots of paints and chemicals. I take precautions by wearing gloves and a mask, but my girlfriend is concerned about toxins in my semen. We can’t have kids (her tubes are tied) so fertility is not an issue. The taste is fine (she even says it’s yummy) but she’s afraid of what it might contain. Can you point me toward information on this? Thanks. — Harmful if Swallowed

Dear Harmful if Swallowed,
    After filling my Google history with such delightful turns of phrase as “sperm industrial swallow” and “cum paint effects,” I’m sorry to tell you I haven’t come any closer to answering your question (I have, however, discovered some fairly fucked-up fetishes).
    My unofficial answer, however, is that it’s probably fine. If you’re in good health and not experiencing symptoms, it’s unlikely you’re passing anything on, and if you are it’s of a negligible quantity. (Readers please take note: this doesn’t mean you can’t pass on STDs through oral sex. You can and you probably will. We’re just talking about chemicals here).
    If you’re still worried, try jotting down the names of specific chemicals you’re exposed to most often so you can query the manufacturer. Or your girlfriend could just not swallow — an expert cum-spit is super hot and a fun trick to perfect.
Readers, any advice for Harmful if Swallowed? Write me at and I’ll publish your letters in an upcoming column.


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