Advice

Miss Information

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Miss Information

She's planning her wedding to another man, and still sexting me.

Have a question for Miss Information? Send it to missinfo@nerve.com. Submissions may be edited.

Dear Miss Information,

Last year while traveling, I met a girl who I had amazing chemistry with. We both felt it right away, and even though she had a boyfriend back home, we had an incredible two-week fling. We stayed in touch when we both got home to the U.S. (she lives hundreds of miles away from me), mostly through texts and phone calls. She has visited me a few times, under the pretense of visiting family (she does have family in my state and she does visit them.)The boyfriend she had when we met is now her fiancé. Their relationship got rocky when her boyfriend confessed to having cheated on her once, pre-engagement. She was furious and while she forgave him, she now lords the mistake over him. 

Her fiancé  knows about me, but only as a friend — he has no idea she cheated, too. Her best friend (and maid of honor) knows everything. She's planning her wedding to another man, and still sexting me. I'm not jealous or heartbroken — I know our amazing chemistry is just amazing chemistry and nothing more and I'm under no illusions that she should leave him and be with me or anything like that. But I'm starting to feel kind of weird about the whole thing. What to do?

— My Fuck Buddy's Wedding

Dear Fuck Buddy,

Oh my god, run

Obviously you have no obligation to try to uphold someone else's fidelity (not your  relationship, not your problem), but it's probably not great karma to cuckold this girl's fiancé. Moral obligations aside, this situation is a time bomb and while you may not be close enough to the detonation site to get wrecked by it when things finally explode, odds are good you're gonna get a bit of shrapnel headed your way. 

The girl seems to feed on drama, which raises just so very many red flags about her stable long term relationship potential, so maybe when you run far and fast from this, you ought to take the fiance with you. No shit you're starting to feel weird about this. It's a weird situation to be in, and likely this marriage is fucked. Somebody call this thing off. Or don't: just tell me when and where the wedding is, and when it gets to the "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit, I will stride up the aisle and read this week's column aloud. Then again, perhaps this is the love story of the century and they deserve one another: two cheating pieces of shit united for all time (or until a litigious divorce). Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I think you're right: she's not the love of your life, and she's not going to leave her fiancé for you, not that it sounds like you want her to.

You really do have to extricate yourself from this situation, though. This fling has run its course, and the thing about chemistry is that it's kind of like magic but it can be used to create unpleasant things: bombs, meth, volatile relationships. Let the lady go. She knows she's engaged to someone who isn't you, so she really shouldn't be too surprised if you tell her you want out and you no longer feel comfortable being her paramour (we really need a better term for the male equivalent of a mistress: readers, any ideas?). Might she get upset or hysterical? Possible. But remember, you're the person with the least to lose here. She can't make too much of a stink over losing you without exposing herself as a lying, cheating hypocrite. She can't unleash her powers of drama upon you without getting a little drama splashback on herself, too. 

Will you miss the late night sexts? The illicit visits? The delicious fun of keeping a secret? The rush of power knowing that the woman making you feel sexy and special has chosen you (in the moment) over the poor sap she promised herself to? Maybe. But it's not really worth it. You've been binging on emotional junk food — so amazing, until you realize you feel like utter garbage afterward. Break of off and go meet someone else with whom you have amazing chemistry — preferably someone single. 

Image via Paul Hagius