Miss Information

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Who’s more strung-out than a Wal-Mart return-counter clerk? It’s Miss Information, at home with her family for the holidays! I’ll return with fresh, new sexpert advice later in January. Until then, send me your sex or dating New Year’s resolutions at and I’ll show you how to make them a reality.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m crushing hard on this amazing woman. Some time ago, I went on a few dates with a friend of hers, but nothing came of it, and I haven’t met up with the friend since, nor do I intend to ever meet up with her again. In your understanding of girl etiquette, should I bother pursuing Amazing Woman, or were a few dates with a friend of hers in the distant past enough to void my chances forever? — A Heretofore Un-Neurotic Guy


Dear Newly Neurotic Guy,
    Speaking as someone who possesses a pair of tits, I can tell you that the varieties of girl etiquette are as varied as ladies themselves. Some of us will toss our best friends for a random piece of late-night tail; others hold the girl code so dear that a mere glance at a friend’s former crush is grounds for dismissal.
    Without knowing what your “few dates” with Amazing Woman’s friend entailed, it’s safe to say your chances would be better if they’d never happened. And if you and her friend did fuck, you’d better be able to say things ended very amicably. Otherwise, you’re wasting valuable time I could spend watching reruns of game shows, forearm deep in a bag of Cheez Curls.
    Assuming everything’s fine on the friend end, it’s up to you to win over Ms. Amazing. Do that by making it perfectly clear you no longer have any interest in her friend. That means no flirting, no talk of past dates and no compliments on the friend’s new dress/job/throat piercing. Finally, if the breakup went really swell, see if you can enlist the help of your former flame — a few good words from her could render the whole dilemma moot.

Dear Miss Information,
    Why do men want women to call them “daddy” in bed? I just don’t get it. I have a great relationship with my dad, and it freaks me out when a guy suggests I use that word in the bedroom. Personally, incest is not one of my turn-ons. — Daddy’s Girl

Dear Daddy’s Girl,
    First of all, not all men like a woman to call them “daddy.” Some prefer “dirty little tramp” screamed at them as they parade around in lingerie with a tampon up their butt. It all depends on the individual.
    Explaining what sparks a fetish is never easy, but this particular fantasy is pretty yawn-worthy. Don’t believe me? Watch an hour of primetime television. The phrase “who’s your daddy?” is no longer about incest or pedophilia. Most folks have come to associate it with someone who’s more experienced getting it on with a nubile hottie who wants to be shown the way, and that is legitimately hot.
    If you still have doubts, try talking to the next guy who requests the paternal honorific about why it turns him on. If it still grosses you out, just don’t do it, but let’s not judge others’ alleged sexual deviancies.


Dear Miss Information,
    I went on one date with this guy who I met online. As far as I could tell, it went great. Afterward, however, he wouldn’t return my emails. Later, I ran into him at a bar and that night we got it on. Now it’s been about a week. No email. No call. Nada. Is there anything I can do to get in touch with him without seeming needy? — Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Dear Looking for Love,
    So you went on a date that didn’t go anywhere. Then you went on a non-date that got you laid. Now you’re getting the freeze-out and wondering what the fuck is up. It seems you already know what’s up, which is that he’s not interested in you, or at least not in anything beyond the physical realm. That’s fine if that’s what you want, but I’m guessing it’s not.
    Ideally, you’d let it go (no calls, no emails) and see if he gets in touch. That said, I understand your need for closure. If you talk to him, keep it light and breezy. Think Golden Girls sipping iced tea on the lanai, not The Amityville Why-the-Fuck-Haven’t-You-Called-Me-You-Asshole Horrorshow. As long as you keep it to only one attempt at contact, you’re not being needy. And who knows? He could be a genuinely cool yet very distracted person, and your little bit of extra effort just might make him fall into your arms.
    Far more likely, however, is that you’ll never hear from him again, except for those rare nights when you bump into him at a bar, half-drunk, and decide to give him just one more chance. Perhaps a good New Year’s resolution for you, dear Looking for Love, would be to scrub guys like this from your mind and stick to those with more reliable internet access.


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