Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
Intercourse doesn't give me orgasms. When I told my boyfriend that I considered simultaneous orgasms a romance-novel myth, he said that he and his last girlfriend often came together. Now I feel inadequate I want to learn to come during sex, but I feel like I'm setting us up for frustration and embarrassment. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm depriving my boyfriend of reasonable pleasure. What should we do? — Come Together |
Dear Come Together,
Mutual orgasms are fantastic, but they're also as unreliable as Courtney Love on live TV. Many couples who've mastered the trick still prefer to save it for special occasions.
If you're dedicated to the cause, however, then by all means bone away in pursuit of the big double-o — but not because you think you're "depriving" your boyfriend of anything. He's coming, and so are you. That sounds like pretty decent sex to me, so ignore all that dentist's-office-motivational-poster shit about winners never quitting and whatnot. Recognize when it's time to call it a day and focus less on mechanics. |
Dear Miss Information,
My last girlfriend was an amazing person, and I've been looking for someone just as wonderful ever since. It's been so long that I'm worried I'm sending out desperate vibes that are repelling potential candidates. — Questionable Vibes |
Dear Questionable Vibes,
I'm glad you wrote in about this so-called "desperate vibe" that even the most Gotti-boy-cocky daters seem to think exists. Here's the breaking news: It doesn't.
Actions are desperate. People aren't. This is a big fucking difference. I can't just walk up to you, smell your butt like a dog and somehow sense you eat bean dip out of the can and consider your Netflix queue your best friend. However, I can think you're desperate (and psychotic) if you send me fifteen text messages in the few hours following the conclusion our first date. Do you see where I'm going with this?
I know it's easy to get superstitious when you're having a bad run, and if you want to have a pair of lucky undershorts, far be it from me to stop you. But remember that what you actually do and say as a dater is all that counts. The whole dating endeavor is ego-sapping enough as it is. Don't make it worse by beating yourself up over some silly imaginary shit like invisible vibes.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a woman in her early thirties. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time and I'm having trouble re-entering the game. I inevitably end up sleeping with a guy too soon, and although I'm terrific in bed, I usually never hear from him again. I dread the notion that there's some truth to "the rules," but I want to be loved. What's your take on the "make a guy wait if you want him to stick around" theory? — Still Single (and Sexy) Gal |
Dear Still Single,
Withholding sex won't guarantee a guy will stay. However, if you're looking for something serious, it's not a bad move. More time = more information. More information = better decisions. Better decisions = an increased chance of finding your own version of Prince Charming and feeling better about yourself in the process. If you're not used to reining it in, here's a quick primer to get you started:
1. When you leave the house, have a clear idea of how far you want things to progress.
2. Don't talk about anything ultra-personal ("my little sister once attempted suicide") or ultra-sexual ("I like it from behind"). Intimate conversation often opens the door to other intimate acts.
3. Don't get drunk.
4. No, really. Don't get drunk. Or high. Or stay out so late you can use it as an excuse to follow each other home.
5. Recognize when you're rationalizing your horniness and/or basic lack of self-control with fatalistic arguments like, "Oh it doesn't matter when we screw, it's all going to end anyway."
6. Have something to look forward to when you get home. Knowing a fresh issue of The Enquirer is waiting by my bed has kept me from many an ill-advised one-night stand. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (18 Comments)
MI is correct that desperation is revealed by actions not "scent," as it were. But the problem is that the actor doesn't realize s/he's sending out those signals by her/his actions. One thing to try is to put yourself in your date's shoes: What actions by your date would communicate "I'm desperate"? Then don't do them. Another is a thought experiment: Pretend that all that matters on your date is having a nice time without worrying about what the future might or might not hold, i.e., live just in that moment and try to have fun. If you're not feeling The Weight of The Future, your actions are less likely to convey desperation. Finally, for folks with "strong" personalities (and I'm one of them, so I'm not pointing fingers), my suggestion is: Be yourself, only less so.
>> I can't just walk up to you, smell your butt like a dog and somehow sense you eat bean dip <<
Oh, I'm not so sure about that...
People absolutely DO give out desperate vibes. It's not just in overt actions, but demeanor as well. Not everyone's great at masking emotions, and people do pick up on all sorts of cues unconsciously. To suggest otherwise is just plain silly.
as one of the lucky folks who does have simultaneous orgasms with his partner, i'd have to ask you why you'd suggest people would save it for a special occasion. not us!
Thank you so much for that column! I've been reading your column for a while, but this is the best yet. I printed out a copy of those rules. You rock!
Men must learn how to kiss a woman. One must be emotionally and physically present with her as you will make out below her neck. If a guy is a bad kisser, it bodes poorly for more intimate forms of contact. Not that I am a player with women, but I have been asked to follow a woman home to her place after just a few hours of dancing and conversation in a bar. I am amazed as to how many women are starved for playful foreplay and slow sex. One babe had an ex who never asked her to cavort around naked in a thong and heels, let alone dance naked. It is very arousing to slow dance, your cock lovingly rubbing against her tummy, hips and ass as you turn her around as she slowly bends over so her pussy and asshole can be gently probed with your tongue and cock tip. Mirror set up can allow you to see your own porno. Showering together is hot--drying each other off as you rub bellys, your cock straight up as precum forms on her hands and tummy. She straddles you, rubbing back and forth until she comes. It jes don get much hotter!
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"Dear Penthouse Forum..."
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I don't think many sexual advice columns mention the importance of foreplay very often. My girlfriend and me slowly undress and shower with exotic soap with a few drinks after work. Walking around naked is a real turn on as she loves to show off her sleek body in her favorite stilettos. I get very hard and then semi hard, much to her amusement as we barely touch each other--she enjoys looking down and then touch my tip with her forefinger. I order her to bend over so that I can caress and playfully slap her bare buns. She looks back and smiles, then tells me about her coworker who loves to flirt and show off her nice ass while dancing with different men. I am attracted to her and my girl tells me that if a threesome ever happened, her friend could play with me orally, but if she went out of the room and came back to see her friend mounting me, she would get a firm but playful spanking. On hearing this we have a hot me on top session that seems to last minutes. I also tell her to fantasize the biggest guy she has dated who comes into the bedroom naked, hard and as he stands by our bed, gets teased and sucked leading to a noisy three way with me underneath to watch her slowly take him as she massages and spanks his buns. Hot hot, HOT!
Hi Erin
Sorry, but you are COMPLETELY wrong about the "desperation vibe" thing. When I have a girlfriend and I'm getting laid, I exude a self-confidence and lack of interest in other women that it is totally noticeable. I can go to a bar by myself and I'm an amazing chick magnet because I'm confident and could not care less if I hook up. For whatever reason, women find that sort of detached, disinterested cool to be very attractive. On the other hand, when I'm not seeing someone and I'm not getting laid, I must exude a neediness and desperation that women can smell, because my chick-magnet-coefficient drops like a rock. It has nothing to do with what I say or do. It has to do with the vibe I emit. I guarantee it's true. Maybe you have to be a guy to understand it, since we are almost always the pursuers and your brethren are almost always the pursuees. Ask some of your dude friends and they will almost certainly confirm that I'm right. Anyhow, carry on, fair Erin, you're doing a fine job!
Regarding the desire stated by Come Together to have a silmutaneous orgasm with her partner, I sympathize with her plight. It's a great feeling, though indeed easier said than done.
However, in my experience, a woman either will come from intercourse or she wont. It's less of a skill one learns, and more a question of how one's built, so to speak.
The odds of Come Together developing newfound orgasmic capability are slim (though of course nothing's impossible), but if she makes her desire known to her boyfriend, there's something he can do - a trick I do sometimes with women who can only come from cunnilingus - the simple act of concurrently stroking off while going down on her. A stalwart guy should be able to jack himself off concurrent with her orgasm every time.
Of course, 69 is the more obvious way to aim for non-intercourse induced silmutaneous orgams, but is a far trickier proposition to time correctly than the method described above.
Mutual orgasms have been rare in my sexcapades. I learned how important it is to indulge in much foreplay (kisses, partial disrobing, separate soapy showering--she gets out, dries off, then pours cold water on me as she presses her breasts and buns against the shower door--then we watch ourselves in the mirror before we slow dance naked. Then she leans forward in her spikiest heels as I kiss the nape of her neck moving down to her buns as I slowly spread her cheeks for the best rimming she has EVER had, as her ex hubby or boyfriend won't do this. By now she is so hot that as I eat her she begs for me to take her but I hesitate as I straddle her thighs around my neck so that she rubs back and forth for a righteous cum. Then I let her ride me for my turn to cum in her. It jes' don' get much better than this!
For those interested in sexuality books, you must head for the closest Borders and check them out. Several yards of books are there, including a few with explicit photos. My current girl friend was fascinated by the topics, e.g. Naked Dining, The Penis by a sex therapist, How to Please a Man Orally, Sex Secrets of Porn Stars, et al. What really amazed her was "The Straight Womans Guide to Lesbian Sex"---hot, hot, hot! Another one is Jaybirds, featuring naked guys and girls cavorting on a beach, in the desert and in homes back in the 60s and 70s. All the guys are flaccid and we were wondering about the outtakes where surely some of the guys were fully erect, as some of the photos show a guys buns and two girls facing him look down with big smiles to see shy Jerry sporting a nice upturned hard on the two girls can hardly wait to play with. Most of the poses are staged but you just know that arms around waists and hands on bare buns lead to more fun.
I am 26 and my girlfriend is 25 and she has found out that one of her girlfriends is seriously interested in performing in an x rated porno. The money is amazing as it would help pay her college costs. We have all seen porn videos and her friend claims that all the actors will be amateurs. There will be no intercourse, just oral sex on a pool deck and lounge chairs with three other girls and four buffed guys in their mid 20s. It will start off with the guys rubbing sunscreen on backs, buns and legs, then the girls get to massage, spank and play with the guys. My girl is turned on by pornos, esp ones featuring lots of teasing and foreplay. What do you think?
Dear Miss Information,
In response to your advice to "Still Single" on the subject of maintaining distance at the beginning of a relationship to keep the men interested left one crucial piece out of the mix: If the man is actually interested in her, he will call her again, whether they had sex or not. I cannot stress this enough: Men don't not call you because you had sex with them if what they want from you is more than just sex. You cannot chase away a man who actually likes you by having sex with him early. All you can do is expose a man who only wanted you for sex early, before he wastes even more of your time.
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