Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
    Intercourse doesn’t give me orgasms. When I told my boyfriend that I considered simultaneous orgasms a romance-novel myth, he said that he and his last girlfriend often came together. Now I feel inadequate I want to learn to come during sex, but I feel like I’m setting us up for frustration and embarrassment. On the other hand, I wonder if I’m depriving my boyfriend of reasonable pleasure. What should we do? — Come Together



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Dear Come Together,
    Mutual orgasms are fantastic, but they’re also as unreliable as Courtney Love on live TV. Many couples who’ve mastered the trick still prefer to save it for special occasions.
    If you’re dedicated to the cause, however, then by all means bone away in pursuit of the big double-o — but not because you think you’re "depriving" your boyfriend of anything. He’s coming, and so are you. That sounds like pretty decent sex to me, so ignore all that dentist’s-office-motivational-poster shit about winners never quitting and whatnot. Recognize when it’s time to call it a day and focus less on mechanics.



Dear Miss Information,
    My last girlfriend was an amazing person, and I’ve been looking for someone just as wonderful ever since. It’s been so long that I’m worried I’m sending out desperate vibes that are repelling potential candidates. — Questionable Vibes


Dear Questionable Vibes,
    I’m glad you wrote in about this so-called "desperate vibe" that even the most Gotti-boy-cocky daters seem to think exists. Here’s the breaking news: It doesn’t.
    Actions are desperate. People aren’t. This is a big fucking difference. I can’t just walk up to you, smell your butt like a dog and somehow sense you eat bean dip out of the can and consider your Netflix queue your best friend. However, I can think you’re desperate (and psychotic) if you send me fifteen text messages in the few hours following the conclusion our first date. Do you see where I’m going with this?
    I know it’s easy to get superstitious when you’re having a bad run, and if you want to have a pair of lucky undershorts, far be it from me to stop you. But remember that what you actually do and say as a dater is all that counts. The whole dating endeavor is ego-sapping enough as it is. Don’t make it worse by beating yourself up over some silly imaginary shit like invisible vibes.

 

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m a woman in her early thirties. I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time and I’m having trouble re-entering the game. I inevitably end up sleeping with a guy too soon, and although I’m terrific in bed, I usually never hear from him again. I dread the notion that there’s some truth to “the rules,” but I want to be loved. What’s your take on the “make a guy wait if you want him to stick around" theory? — Still Single (and Sexy) Gal

Dear Still Single,
    Withholding sex won’t guarantee a guy will stay. However, if you’re looking for something serious, it’s not a bad move. More time = more information. More information = better decisions. Better decisions = an increased chance of finding your own version of Prince Charming and feeling better about yourself in the process. If you’re not used to reining it in, here’s a quick primer to get you started:
    1. When you leave the house, have a clear idea of how far you want things to progress.
    2. Don’t talk about anything ultra-personal (“my little sister once attempted suicide”) or ultra-sexual (“I like it from behind”). Intimate conversation often opens the door to other intimate acts.
    3. Don’t get drunk.
    4. No, really. Don’t get drunk. Or high. Or stay out so late you can use it as an excuse to follow each other home.
    5. Recognize when you’re rationalizing your horniness and/or basic lack of self-control with fatalistic arguments like, "Oh it doesn’t matter when we screw, it’s all going to end anyway."
    6. Have something to look forward to when you get home. Knowing a fresh issue of The Enquirer is waiting by my bed has kept me from many an ill-advised one-night stand.
 

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©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com