Miss Information

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Want to meet Miss Information? She’ll appear at Galapagos Art Space in Brooklyn as part of a dating show on Wednesday, February 8th. Visit for details. Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m thirty-eight, and the past few women I’ve dated have had hairy nipples. This seems odd to me; we are, after all, living in the age of depilation. Is this just my advancing age, or am I witnessing a new trend wherein women cultivate furry aureoles? — Puzzled by Pubes


Dear Puzzled by Pubes,
    Didn’t you see last month’s “Bigfoot Hits the Beach” spread in Vogue? Hairy nips are all the rage!
    No, you haven’t spotted a trend. It’s just that there are more important things for us women to think about than conquering every last follicle in the quest for a flawless exterior. We’re human beings, not minimalist sculpture. Your recent experiences likely amount to an unfortunate coincidence. Hairy nipples can be caused by hormonal imbalance, certain medications or a relatively rare condition called hirsutism.
    If it really bothers you and this is someone you’re sleeping with regularly, feel free to ask her to get rid of the hair. Tell her you enjoy playing with her nipples, and would enjoy it even more if they were hairless. Phrase your request politely, and offer to do a little housekeeping yourself in return. Splitting that unibrow so you don’t look quite so much like Bert from Sesame Street would be a start.

Dear Miss Information,
    My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for five months and everything is going fabulously. During a recent heart-to-heart, he said, “If you want to tell me that you love me, you can. I’ll probably say the same thing.” He’s not a great communicator in general, but he’s at least usually pretty up front about most things. What is he trying to tell me? — Quizzically

Dear Quizically,
    “Love” is a complicated word. It means something different to everybody. Some people ladle it out like chowder, while others utter it only once or twice in a lifetime. Personally, I distribute it liberally, but I’ve also been known to get misty to early Bon Jovi when I hear it on light-rock radio, so I’m not the best barometer.
    It sounds like this guy is trying to tell you he really digs you. Either that, or he’s setting you up to look like a major dipshit, but that’s highly doubtful. If you’re still uncomfortable saying it first, initiate a conversation. Tell him how you define the term, and what your past experiences with it have been. Hopefully, this will give you a feel for where things are going. The half year mark is a great checkpoint for evaluating the state of your union.
    P.S. If you do decide you want to tell him, wait until after Valentine’s Day. There’s too much Hallmark-sponsored mindfuckery in the air right now for lucid decision-making.


Dear Miss Information,
    My boyfriend of five years and I have finally moved in together. Recently, I’ve noticed that there’s a problem with his penis. After sex, he needs at least a day to recover because his member is tender to the touch. There are also some dry patches on the head and shaft. Is he allergic to my vagina? — Friend of a Tender Member

Dear Friend,
    That’s an intriguing theory. It sounds like the cover of a great pulp fiction novel: They loved each other . . . but her VAGINA kept them apart! Realistically, it’s probably something far less exciting, like excessive masturbation or simple skin irritation.
    With a new living situation come new habits: a different laundry detergent, a dander-flaked cat or dog sleeping in the bed. You and your guy should look at these sorts of changes and see if you can track down the culprit. Allergies can come from the craziest places. Once, a girlfriend of mine traced the source of a vaginal burning sensation to her earlier slicing of habanero peppers and then going to the bathroom (think about it).
    If the tenderness doesn’t get better, or if special bonus features like a hard crust or bad-smelling discharge appear, hightail it to a physician. Chances are the doc will give your guy some hydrocortisone cream and send him on his way. These conditions often bruise the ego more than the flesh.  

Previous Miss Info

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