Miss Information

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Miss Information is off this week, so today we present three excerpts from her best and brightest columns. She’ll return next week with fresh insight for all your sexual dilemmas. Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m a guy in his late thirties who happens to look much younger. I like to date women in their twenties; it just feels like a more natural fit. But as I test the waters of online dating, I’m finding that women immediately dismiss me as being too old, regardless of my photo. I don’t want to have to start lying about my age, but these first pangs of ageism are really bringing me down. Is there a better way to handle this whole age issue? — Dorian Gray


Dear Dorian,
    You can knock five years off your age in order to show up in more searches, provided you include a line at the end of your profile coming clean about your actual age and why your youthful vibe and appearance will refute the information on your driver’s license. The more preferable, less slimy option is to leave your age as is but make your profile more appealing to the younger set. A few tips on doing that:
    — Get highly specific about what you like — books, music, movies, etc. If a woman manages to find someone who shares her interest in late-’70s modern dance, it’s likely she’s not going to give a shit if he’s got a few gray hairs.
    — Eliminate any negative sells. Saying stuff like, "I’m more mature than those youngsters you date and have way more money too," only makes you look bitter and defensive. You have your own thing going, no need to put people down.
    — Get better photos and more of them. Stay away from black-and-white headshots and any pictures where you’re shirtless or standing next to a recreational vehicle. I cannot tell you how many older men I’ve seen make this mistake.
    — Even if you have no interest in dating women your age, don’t indicate that on your profile. Why? Because it makes you look like someone who’s only out to screw younger chicks. It also discourages awesome older women who may be a good match. Believe it or not, there are women your own age who look and feel just as you do. If you quit being such a hypocrite — complaining about age discrimination while you discriminate yourself — you might find them.

Dear Miss Information,
   I love getting blowjobs and coming in a girl’s mouth. For that reason I make every effort to make my come as tasty as possible. I drink lots of pineapple juice as I’ve heard it makes it taste sweeter. Can you give me any other tips to improve my taste? I read on the Internet about some pills made for that purpose. Do these work? Are they worth the money? — Looking Out for Willing Girls

Dear Looking Out,
   Whose bodily fluids would you rather swallow?
   Guy A eats a good diet, drinks lots of water, ingests alcohol and cigarettes in limited quantities and sees the inside of a gym at least once every calendar year.
   Guy B swallows some potion containing God-knows-what coming from God-knows-where in the hopes that he’ll have tastier spunk and a still-intact savings account after handing over his credit card number to some low-life overseas.
   If you picked Guy B, it’s a good thing your man-seed is headed for the inside of somebody’s mouth, otherwise I’d have some serious concerns for our gene pool.
   Looking Out, there’s no magic formula for making your output taste better. Unless you’re getting lots of complaints, there are more important things to worry about. For instance, where the hell’s your common sense is one. I bet you ordered sea monkeys as a kid.
   P.S. I hope you’re not swilling all that pineapple juice when you’re out at the bar. That’s creepy as hell and a phenomenal way not to get a BJ. Grab a beer.

Dear Miss Information,
    How do I ask an ex-girlfriend if we can be sex buddies? We had a decent friendship and fabulous sex, but the romantic thing didn’t seem to work, and I ended things. Every once in a while, though, I find myself wishing she’d come over for a long session. But I’m worried that if I ever proposed the idea, she’d be insulted. Is there any polite way suggest a strictly sexual relationship with an ex? — Pizza Party

Dear Pizza Party,
    Fuck friends can’t be manufactured. They evolve over time, like a fine wine of the screwtop varietal. Sure, there are people who enter into carefully planned-out arrangements, but those people play tennis in the nude and use words like “polyfolk,” and I don’t claim to understand their kind.
    Take your girl out for drinks, a “hey, let’s catch up” kind of thing that’s basically a fuck friend interview. There, you will gather the following essential information:
    1. She’s not seeing anyone exclusively;
    2. She appears to be over you and feeling secure about where you two stand;
    3. She’s dropping hints about not having been laid in a while, or acting horny/flirty.
    Getting answers to all of the above will be tricky, but you have to risk being obvious if you want to have sex sometime this century. If the answers to all the above questions are affirmative, invite her over for that Indian-leg-wrestling-on-the-sofa ritual euphemistically known as "watching a DVD," or take her to the low-lit bar with a makeout room in the back. If she says no to any of these (especially #2), hide that hard-on behind a cocktail napkin and seek opportunities elsewhere. In case you haven’t noticed, the dating scene isn’t exactly chaste these days. Sometimes it’s easier to find someone new, start it out sexual and keep it that way.  

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