Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I just had a second date with a guy I met online. After some energetic fucking, he tried to put his cock in my ass without so much as asking. I told him I wasn't prepared, so he stopped. Then he shot his wad all over me. He even got some on my face. Am I wrong, or is this exceptionally poor sexual etiquette? — Peace, Love & Understanding |
Dear Peace, Love & Understanding,
Damn, you hippies are forgiving. Yes, this is exceptionally poor sexual etiquette. A gentleman always asks for permission before knocking on the back door. He doesn't launch a sneak attack or fake-miss your vagina.
The same goes for his philistine grand finale. Sex acts outside the realm of the everyday shouldn't be imposed on anyone without prior endorsement by the receiving partner. I realize "everyday" is subjective and varies from couple to couple. A good maxim is "when it doubt, leave it out."
If you're planning to have sex with this guy again (which I personally wouldn't advise, but you're a big girl), you need to set down some ground rules about what's permissible before you get frisky again. "Don't come all over my face without asking, please" could be a good place to start. Beyond that, I leave it up to you and Mr. Casanova. |
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I had agreed to be monogamous. Recently, however, he slept with his ex, who had come to him for comfort after being raped. He told me wants to continue sleeping with me, despite this. I know I should end it, and I've tried several times, but I can't seem to do it. I'm slowly going crazy. What can I do? — Betrayed and Stuck |
Dear Betrayed and Stuck,
You can get a backbone. Any guy that fucks you and someone else on the side (in this case, a rape victim) after he's agreed to a monogamous relationship should be ripped a new one and sent on his way.
The wounded-bird syndrome is an oldie but goodie when it comes to dater pathology. The primary symptom is an ongoing compulsion to engage people more fucked up than yourself. Sadly, there's no cure. Eventually, your boyfriend will become immune to his ex's charms and move on to the next damsel in distress. This particular illness is progressive, and there is no cure you can help him with.
Get rid of this guy now, and you'll be available for the next truly monogamous character that surfaces. Stick around, and you'll wind up so emotionally damaged, you'll be ripe for the picking by this jerk's identical twin.
Dear Miss Information,
I've been out on several dates with a girl whose birthday is next week. What can I get her that shows I'm caring and thoughtful, but won't scare her off or suggest I'm angling for marriage? — Birthday Boy |
Dear Birthday Boy,
I feel your pain. Gift-giving is a minefield strewn with shiny ribbon, abandoned miniature Zen rock gardens and broken relationships.
At the three-to-four dates mark, the idea is to acknowledge the occasion without blowing it out of proportion — or spending so much money that you have to apply for a home-equity loan. A few general guidelines: steer clear of sending flowers to her workplace; some people don't want their personal life known at the office. A homemade meal (or dinner at a restaurant, if you're a lousy cook), a mix CD of her favorite music, a romantic DVD for you to watch together and some top-shelf candy are all thoughtful, reasonable gifts. Readers, what else would you suggest? Leave your gift-giving tips in Feedback and help a boy out. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (38 Comments)
To Birthday Boy:
Flowers delivered to the workplace are a no-no, I agree. But flowers presented in person are the best non-commital way to show budding affection, along with candy. No matter how much (or how little) you spend on those gifts, the flowers will eventually wilt and die, and the candy will get eaten, leaving no trace of the gift to be wept over and analyzed for hidden meanings as the relationship progresses. Besides, flowers are so extravagant these days. Just make sure she owns an appropriate container to display them in, such as a beer pitcher.
Hey Peace, Love & Understanding, what the hell are you doing having sex without a condom with some guy you've only been on two dates with??? I think where he shoots his load is not the primary concern here, dear.
Yeah, flowers are cute, so long as you don't go for a huge overdone bunch/roses. If you do, buy a plain vase to go with - I don't know many people who own any (unless they get a lot of bouquets), and flowers look sad in a sink or mug.
you can never go wrong with food--even just some "birthday" cookies is totally cute
The point of a gift is to show you've been paying attention. A generic gift-- flowers, chocolate, etc-- is fine, but a killer gift will be something specific, something you would only have given to *her*. She loves old films? A DVD of a recently released oldie. She's a coffee addict? A gleaming chrome insulated travel mug. Etc. (Of course, if the girl loves daisies, give her daisies.)
In this situation last year I found myself on the receiving end. I was mightily impressed without being scared by a comic book he and I had talked about -- (one he found out I didn't have or knew existed before he'd mentioned it, by an author we both liked).
Oh yes -- he also sent flowers to my work and that was a little weird. Equal parts nice, but definitely an unnecessary risk.
Once, I was having sex with a guy (rebound) and I have poor hearing... he said something, but he was an actor so I thought he was saying something I thought would be sexy or something stupid... Anyhow, I mumbled "uh huh" like I was listening but more saying, "shut up and fuck me".. Anyhow, next thing I know I've got his penis in my mouth and he gizzed right in it! I realized he had asked me if he could do that.
I fucking hate having bad hearing. At least he asked.
I agree on the safe sex thing, that's all I could think of when reading that letter.
If she's stylish, Kate Spade and Coach have some neat and relatively inexpensive (less than $50) small leather goods -leather pencil cases in bright colors that can double as bill folds, etc. If she's athletic - a case of Power Bars and a Nalgene bottle from REI, if she hikes, a Camelback can run you $30 for a small one(they go all the way up to $100), if she runs one of those blinking lights that velcro around your arm plus a running ID (says you care about her safety) that can be had at any running store. A pretty journal and a pen from any stationery store or Barnes and Noble (you can write something on the first page for a personal touch). Or buy 4 kinds of nail polish, two foam toe separators, polish remover and a pumice stone and give her a pedicure, letting her pick the polish. When you're done rub her feet with Burt's Bee's lotion . She'll dig it, and get to keep the kit to boot.
For the man wondering what to get his new girl for her birthday: how about a nice colorful silk scarf? Not too expensive, looks great, makes her look great...
for the present idea: i might suggest a book. i know, it sounds silly, but someone once got me a book of poetry he thought i'd like and simply wrote in the front: "to catherine from daniel, happy birthday." it was sweet, not too much, and thoughtful.
if that's too much, i think a dinner out is just lovely. smile, wish her happy birthday, and give her a big hug and kiss. whisper something about hoping she has a wonderful year.
Buy her a pearl Lexus - like those commercials where they have those big red bows on them - and then front like it's no big deal.
I like to give women books that are just a hair past their reading level.
I think if he wants to mark the occasion in a meaningful way, but he doesn't know what style of "things" she likes (I personally find candy gifts tacky, no matter how distant the connection) he should dream up an "occasion" gift. He must know by now what she likes to do for fun -- live music, gourmet restaurants, midget roller derby, whatever -- so he could treat her to a date someplace she would enjoy (and might not have the funds to take herself on a regular basis).
I'm a big fan of magazine subscriptions. A girlfriend got one for me one time, and at first I was like "Oh, what the fuck?" but after a few months of attaining an encylopedic knowledge of British music the subscription had (thankfully) outlasted the relationship, and I was still remarking at what a thoughtful gift it was; Getting her a subscription to her womans magazine of choice should be fine (or maybe make a selection based on the quality of their sexual advice columns, maybe like the one that we all seem to agree on)
For the new girlfriend's birthday - mild jewelry. No diamonds, but simple silver earrings (or whatever her taste suggests) are usually welcome. Be just slightly more personal than where the two of you are and towards where you want to be.
birthday: give a gift that creates a memory - like arrange for the two of you to take a ride in a hot air balloon or go panning for gold or go snorkeling - something that she would definitely not expect or ordinarily do will make you always a part of the memory of "the first time I..." good luck.
Can't go wrong with dinner at a restaurant a little out of her price range (or just a place you know she will enjoy). Add to that a bottle of wine (or case of beer) that she likes (you have to know these things, but that shouldn't be hard after 4 dates) for after dinner. Not too flashy, has a little element of personalization and it's all about pleasure. And that alcohol can always lead to even more pleasure.
Experiential gifts, not stuff. Dinner, or a night on the town (theater, music, the circus, roller-skating).
I'm not sure in the first letter that the guy was that bad. Yes, trying to tap the backdoor without asking is preseumptious, but he did stop when she asked him to.
As to cumming on the girl, that's fairly common in safe sex relationships (on me, not in me) and as a guy you can't always control where your spunk lands. Sometimes it blows a few inches, sometimes it goes farther.
Tickets to an event in which she has interest (theater, sports, art show) could be a good present and a fun date.
Zach
To all those who assumed the woman was having unsafe sex--he/she/they could well have been using a condom which was just tossed aside in order to deliver the chowder treatment. Done it before (w/ permission).
Birthday advice was solid- i am in the same situation right now. The woman i've been dating for 2 months has a birthday tonight. I'm taking her out to a nice, but moderately priced place near home. For gifts, i'm going with the gift-bag approach - a dvd (pride & predujice) and a cd (Belle & Sebastian), but am mixing in some gag gifts, like the hat she lost in my apt and the giftbag is recycled that she gave me a couple weeks ago. Diffuses any overly sentimental stuff because who wants that at this stage.
Re: The lady who met a man online and after some energetic fucking he atttempted anal sex and then he came all over her face--I guess the common scenes in porn have spread to many sex partners. At 37 I have had many sexcapades with very open minded women, but anal sex is something I have tried just three times. I moonlight in a beach town liquor store and I am astonished as to how many young women are avid oral sex enthusiasts besides being into playful s&m--spanking, bondage, threesomes, etc. Several women I met had mirrors set up around their beds for our own porno movie. I use ribbed condoms, flavored KY lotions and a vibrator at times. I get into various positions, which suits some women because their former boyfriends or exhusbands were to hesitant to try much new. I really dont think a penis belongs in the anal tract deeper than the tip, which is very erotic to see as I look down on a nice firm creamy rump moving around as my partner looks back in approval as she toys with herself to cum!!!
One of my sex partners I met in a Starbucks likes plenty of foreplay naked, which ends up without intercourse. I am 38 and the lady is 31. We engage in great 69 fun as we see ourselves in the mirrors along side her bed. She loves to slide back and forth on my penis, my hands grasping and playfully spanking her buns as we look back behind us. She cums every time. She also likes to straddle my neck with her thighs as she mounts me. Another sure fire cumfest. She is the first woman I have ever been with who really likes to see herself spread out like a porn actress. She also would like to be naked with a girlfriend and put on a naughty show for me as I sit for awhile before I come over to the bedside and let her friend reach up and play with my hard on. I must not have sex with her and if she leaves the room and comes back with her friend taking me, a good spanking will take place. This is an exercise in safe sex, dont you think?
I am 27 and my girl is 24. She often imagines her first college boyfriend coming into our bedroom naked, while she is on top of me, her nipples teasing my lips and nose. He is handsome, buffed and tanned. She would love to have him watch us as he approaches her so that she can reach out to him, play with him and then take him orally as I look up as she uses her other hand to masturbate me. This would be one hell of a turn on! I am open minded, but I dont think I could deal with this.
I got a stuffed teddy-bear for my sweety and she loved it, it's been 17 years, we're still together, but then we both WERE looking for something long-term so I don't know. It was for those nights when I couldn't be there, she'd have something warm and safe to snuggle. Besides she never had a teddy-bear as a little girl. Just an idea.
Regarding the birthday gift for the guy who was only out with the girl a few times, I recommend tickets to something- music, play, comedian, etc. and paying for the evening. This way the evening is still a date, but it specials it up a bit for the birthday. If the relationship is still in the early phase, there isn't any need to buy a gift. I wouldn't want a token to remind me of the guy I only dated for a few months.
Regarding what to give for a birthday after 3-4 dates. Find out what kind of music she likes and get concert tickets.
Regarding a birthday gift at the 3rd - 4th date mark...
What I would probably do is get her a card, something funny (no pictures of puppies or anything like that). And inside I would write something like:
"I know that we have only been on 4 dates, and so I was not sure what to get you for your birthday. I don't want you think I am blowing it off, but I don't want you think I am clingy either. And so here is a card, with my heartfelt wishes that you have a happy birthday. If we never go on a date again, well, you can chuck it in the recycling bin. If we end up happily married, it will be something to show the grandkids. Either way, I just want you to know that I have enjoyed our time together, and I hope you have a happy birthday."
For the guy looking for a gift for the new girl...I believe it is more important to do something you know she likes versus buying her something. If she likes theater, take her to a show, etc. Doing something is far more memorable than getting something and it gives you an opportunity to see if you want to continue building a relationship with this new girl. I could be wrong, it's just my opinion.
I must emphatically disagree with the advice regarding clothing & accessories. Some people's tastes are so particular you could easily end up in the category of "I guess he just doesn't understand me - later, guy", or worse, if you don't get passed over for further dates, it sets up the uncomfortable "why don't you ever wear that ---- I got you?" - not worth the risk, IMO, unless you KNOW she's easy to please.
For Birthday Boy -
Since spring is approaching, or if she enjoys cooking/gardening, plant an herb garden for her in cute little pots. Just don't plant too much mint or cannabis. Those tend to take over the whole garden.
Dude, grab a little stuffed animal and a nice little card, preferably something funny.
Maybe a book by her favourite author, or a newly-published book you think she'd enjoy?
From a girl who's been on both the giving and receiving end of this: a funny card and regular date. Maybe show up with a rose and definitely treat all night!
I'm so-called Peace Love & Unstanding. Of course, we used a condom. He removed it likety split before he climaxed knowing exactly where he was aiming (I'm convinced). I felt like I was an object in his narcissistic fantasy, not a real person. It sucked.
The foot thing has happened to me, only when I've been on top and he's been in a chair. It's a muscle spasm. Her feet get stiff when she's climaxing and if she's been walking around or wearing heels all day, they spasm and it hurts like hell for days. I'll roll my feet on the floor after taking my shoes off. Totally has helped.
Dear Miss Information,
Imagine my surprise as I read your column to see my question and answer from you there too! You were quite right, and thanks for your candid advice. I thought you might want to know the sequel to our twisted romande. We recently called the whole thing off, this time with him saying he wanted to date other women because he was unable to fall in love with me, and I wanted too much. What prompted this decision was his surprise that I was upset to see him at a club with a new love interest, though he'd warned me about this, so I should have been prepared. It's all quite bizarre really to a 45-y-o woman not used to dating 30-y-o's. There must be new dating/relationship rules these days of which I'm sadly unaware.
Oddly, I feel a huge sense of relief and purity. As if I've been cured of a bad disease. This guy is beyond my comprehension, but more scary is that I could have fallen for such unkind treatment for so long. I have decided to get psychotherapy.
Best,
Released and Free
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