Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
While I always come to dinner equipped with enough cash to pay for myself, the guy I'm with inevitably insists on settling the tab. I'm not complaining exactly, but I think it's strange that it happens so regularly. When I was growing up, I was always taught that girls should expect to go dutch. What's your take? — There Is Such A Thing As A Free Lunch |
Dear Free Lunch,
I'm typing this wearing flame-retardant oven mitts in anticipation of the flame war that's about to begin. There's no precise mathematical formula that applies to every dating situation, but here are some basic rules of engagement for everyone to follow:
1. On the first few dates, both parties should hit the ATM and be prepared to split to the check.
2. If one or the other party offers to pay and they insist more than once, let it go. Fistfights over checks are not comfortable, and they're not classy. Thank them politely and accept.
3. After a few dates, start taking turns rather than splitting the check. Nothing ruins romance faster than a calculator watch.
4. If the activity is something out-of-the-norm and/or especially pricey, and it was more your idea than your partner's, then you get to pay.
5. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Girls, don't go dutch and then make sideways remarks about how you hate cheap men. Guys, don't pick up the tab and then start referencing Anna Nicole Smith.
6. If one partner makes significantly more money than the other, that person should generally pay for more of the dates (note: this does not mean all of the dates).
7. No matter who pays for what, this phrase is not optional: "Thank you." |
Dear Miss Information,
My wife wants a divorce. When she told me, I was totally blindsided. She wants to remain friends, but my therapist says that would be both "emasculating" and "psychologically debilitating." I know he's right, but I just can't quit her cold turkey. Should I attempt a friendship knowing I'll probably always hope for reconciliation? — Vexed Ex |
Dear Vexed Ex,
If you have kids, yes. If you don't, it depends on how much pain being friends with your ex is causing you. If you can't meet her for coffee without feeling like your heart is hemorrhaging out of your chest, leave it alone.
Your therapist's use of terms like "emasculating" to describe male/female friendship is pretty much bull. Lots of men maintain pleasant relationships with their exes without having to hand their testicles over in a pink crocheted sack. The majority of them have time and distance on their side — I'm prescribing these remedies for you, too. Tell your ex that being all buddy-buddy is too difficult for you right now. You'd like to have limited contact — say, a phone call every few weeks or lunch once a month — and that this may change as time goes by and your mutual psyches improve.
But be careful not to get all buoyed by a period of feeling stable and then suddenly decide it's okay to dive back into something intense. Realize that you probably feel good because you're not talking to her. Don't rush it.
Dear Miss Information,
I finally found her: The One. I threw aside my reservations, rescued her from a failed marriage and befriended her brat of a daughter. Then, after she lost thirty pounds, she cheated on me with a guy I knew would use and abuse her — which, of course, he did. Two years later, she realizes she blew it and is trying to get back into my life. I'm still drawn to her like a moth to a blowtorch. Should I give her a second chance? — Once Scared, Twice Stupid |
Dear Once Scared,
A lot of folks hear the c-word (cheating, not that other c-word, you pottymouths) and dole out an automatic banishment from Relationship Kingdom.
Granted, most of the time this is the wisest course of action. But it doesn't have to be so black-and-white. People fuck up, but they also have the capacity to learn and change, and two years is a substantial chunk of time in which to do that.
If you know for sure your lady isn't a chronic cheater (if she's done this to other guys in the past, put on your track shoes and run), and if she's showing signs of real change — not just in words, but in action — then give her another shot on a temp-to-perm basis. Love can be pretty amazing the second time around if the right ingredients are there. Keep your expectations low and reel it in if you suspect she's up to her old tricks. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (9 Comments)
To the guy who nursed the cheater out of her marriage - what did you expect? This is obviously her pattern: find some guy to "save" her from whomever she's with at the moment and move on when it suits her.
Do not give her another chance, instead, throw this in her face and tell her she's used trash as far as your concerned.
Dear Miss Information,
I've enjoyed your witty banter for months now on Nerve.com. Though I have not always agreed with your take on an issue, I've always respected it and your rationale for it. That is, until today. I can't believe you're even entertaining the thought, much less sharing it in writing, that a man who has been cheated on should consider a second go-round with the same poor excuse of a woman. I don't care if it was 2 or 20 years ago. Once that line is crossed, there's no going back. Period. Worse still, is the complete lack of self-confidence of the poor schmo who wrote in. He should've kicked her to the curb permanently the second she cheated on him. Help that schlub out by telling him in no uncertain terms to move on, start dating better prospects, and never look back.
Sincerely,
Ace
To "Once Scared"
So basically this woman drops in on you for a self-image tuneup between a failed marriage and a failed relationship that involved cheating on you. I guess if you like to be the guy that props her up after she gets abused by each succesive asshole, more power to you. Alternatively, you can grow some balls and kick her ass as far away from you as you can. Better still, you may want to treat her like the jerks she is so drawn to. She seems to be more loyal to them than to you.
Have to agree with comments to Once Scared: This woman is repeating her damsel-in-distress/saved-by-white-knight pattern. Unless she's had mounds of therapy, there's no reason to believe she has changed or can change. Moreover, what's up with Once Scared that he thinks His One is someone who behaves like this? I suspect he's under the delusion that he can fix or change other people. Instead, he needs someone who accepts him for who he is and who he accepts for who she is, as of today, not some hypothetical point in the future.
Oh, and on who pays: Man should on first date; he should give woman opportunity to do so on second date. Woman should offer to pick up desert or drinks after dinner on first date and offer to pay on second date. Dutch is lame, but taking turns is good.
I'm AMAZED by your advice to the free lunch woman. It's exactly what I would have said myself. Woohoo for us!
E -- Your advice on #1 was out of sight, and should be a standard boilerplate response for all advice columnists who deal with that question. Nice going!
I love the advice on splitting bills. There's been a resurgence of the old-fashioned view that the guy should pay. Maybe it has something to do with Sex In The City or Oprah.
It sounds silly, but this is the biggest problem in my current relationship. My GF is 14 years older. The notion of being supported by a man seems to be ingrained in her psyche. However, it is very important to me that we are equal partners in the relationship. It has taken a lot of work to get her to understand my perspective.
She still underestimates her part of the bill sometimes. Occasionally, she forgets that it's her turn to pay. I believe that these are honest mistakes. However, in the back of my mind, I don't completely trust her to pull her own weight. I feel like I have to keep track of the discrepancies. I bring them up when they seem too big. Sometimes, she thinks I'm being cheap or selfish. You can see how this would kill the romance.
It would be better if we could just assume that everything will work out fairly in the end. Following Miss Info's advice would go a long way towards making that happen. I think I'll print out this article and show it to my GF tonight.
you finally got to my email. vexed ex indeed. I am the one that wants friendship from her. but I agree with what you are saying.
good job.
6Mmgqy It's pleasant sitting at work to distract from it�to relax and read the information written here:)))
Now you say something