Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
    My best friend and my boyfriend have become close. I trust them both, but I’m getting concerned. The other day, they had lunch together. Neither of them had told me about this plan. My boyfriend later admitted it was a lame thing to do, but my friend said she shouldn’t have to ask my permission and that she can “form connections” with whomever she wants. After cooling off a bit, she said she’ll respect my wishes to be informed about stuff like that, but I still don’t think she gets it. What should I do? — Holding a Grudge



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Dear Holding a Grudge,
    Although your boyfriend and your best friend deserve equal time in the shithouse for not telling you about their little Bennigan’s rendezvous, I’m going to focus on the best friend, since she’s the thrust of your question.
    I don’t like this chick. I don’t like her at all. Maybe you came off a little harsh when you first found out. Maybe you screamed when you should have simply raised your voice. Maybe you raised your voice when you should have simply spoken sternly. It doesn’t matter. A little courtesy goes a long way, and this is the area where your friend fails miserably. Had she said, “Hey, me and your guy are going out to lunch,” I doubt you would have freaked. Instead, she chose not to invite you, making you feel like the kid who got picked last for whiffleball in school. That feeling of rejection, compounded by jealousy, is an ugly thing.
    Taking the longview, one lunch is not a dealbreaker, but I would definitely reassess your friendship. Is your best friend this selfish in general? It might be a good idea to disengage and put more effort into your other friends. I know it’s hard — best friend breakups can be more painful than the traditional kind. But skulduggery is no fun, either.



Dear Miss Information,
    My girlfriend needs some deep-throating tips. Whenever she tries it, she ends up choking and nearly throwing up. I know it has to do with bypassing the gag reflex. Is there some way she can work on this? — Deeply Motivated


Dear Deeply Motivated,
    Happy to oblige. But be warned that deep-throating isn’t for everyone. The human anatomy has a tremendous degree of variation, which explains why that little Japanese guy can speed-swallow sixty-one hot dogs a minute while others have difficulty downing an aspirin. As much as you and your girl want it, there’s a chance it’s not physically possible.
    That said, here are some tips:
    1) Experiment with different positions and allow plenty of room for the activity to take place (i.e., somewhere more spacious than an airplane bathroom or a pup tent). Some people find it works best if the giver lies face up with his or her head hanging off the edge of the bed while the recipient stands to deliver the goods.
    2) Lubrication is important. More subtle flavors like the kind found in Astroglide and Liquid Silk are preferable to the paint-like ones you get at bachelorette party boutiques. Those taste like rancid popsicles.
    3) Try multiple techniques. Relax the throat. Don’t relax the throat. Stick the tongue out. Keep the tongue in. No matter what you’re trying, she should remember to breathe.
    4) Mastering the gag reflex takes time. When she feels the urge to upchuck, she should pause and hold your penis in place for as long as she can and then slowly take it out. Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually it gets easier.

Dear Miss Information,
    My ex and I broke up a year ago. We agreed to date other people as long as we were honest, but since then, her feelings have run hot and cold. One minute she says she loves me, the next she avoids my calls. Now she’s all but stopped talking to me. I know she’s seeing someone new, and I feel misled because she said it wasn’t serious. I’m hurt and furious but unable to extinguish my hopes for a future together. Do I just let this go or do I confront her one more time before moving on? Would pointing out all her dishonesties and mind games be seeking justice, or just stupid ego gratification? — Leggo my Ego

Dear Leggo,
    There is no justice when it comes to love. You can’t sue for unpaid orgasms or emotional misconduct, as nice as that would be.
    When you sit down and think about what you can actually accomplish by confronting Ms. Ex with a laundry list of her misdeeds, the answer will likely be zero. Should that stop you? Hell no. If a final purge is what you need to get it out of your system, go ahead with your angst. But don’t expect much from your ex. She’s spent the past year in emotional limbo. Guilt and indecision take a heavy toll. What you interpret as hypocrisy and dishonesty is her feeling deeply conflicted and not dealing with it well. Turns out you were dating a human. Who knew?
    Right now, she’s trying to let the scab heal, and you keep wanting to pick it open again. Good luck with that. Even if she feels it deep down in her heart, she’s unlikely to admit any wrongdoing. A year from now, she’ll likely have a different perspective. She’ll want to tell you how sorry she is, and hopefully you’ll be in a place where you can accept. I know because I’ve been that girl. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Therapy can help.

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©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com