Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
    I’m a female who’s in love with her gay friend. I confessed my feelings to him, and after an awkward period, we’re closer than ever. He’s newly single and constantly tells me about guys he’s seeing. It makes me jealous, but I’m afraid that if I tell him, we’ll be right back in that awkward stage. Nevertheless, I need to preserve my sanity. Should I tell him to stop, or endure his stories? — Jealous Girl



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Dear Jealous Girl,
    Being friends with a friend of Dorothy isn’t all shopping excursions and blended drinks. You’re a woman, he’s a man. You like guys, he likes guys. It’s a complex dynamic, not at all like the one-dimensional relationships on network TV.
    I bet you’re feeling guilty as hell for not being more supportive. Knock it off. When you told him you liked him, you made yourself vulnerable, kind of like when a monkey shows another monkey its butt. If he had any smarts, he’d respect your exposed butt by not talking about his dates. If you got into Harvard and he was flunking out of community college, you wouldn’t go waving your acceptance letter in his face. So tell him this bugs you. Don’t wait.
    At the same time, you need to give a bit too. Coming out of a long-term relationship has a big influence on people’s behavior. Some go into seclusion. Others act like sluts. Personally, I prefer to give myself really bad dye jobs, which I later get fixed by a professional. Your friend is not totally himself right now. Try to be patient.
    Finally, ask yourself why you’re falling for a man who’s never going to like you back. Are you afraid of relationships? Is this part of a pattern? Get some perspective from family and friends.



Dear Miss Information,
    I’m about to propose to my girlfriend of five years. My concern is that she won’t satisfy my sexual appetite and I’ll be shit of out luck for the rest of my life (I don’t cheat). We’ve talked about it, but I’m worried if I’m too honest, she’ll retreat even further into her self-conscious state. What’s the best course of action? — Mile-High Libido in Denver


Dear Mile-High,
    I can’t offer you any predictions about the success of your marriage. A pack of Gummi bears comes with a more reliable guarantee. What I can give you are some relatively accurate indicators of future matrimonial bliss, and mismatched libidos are not one of them.
    But they’re not a reason to call it off, either. Sex drives can often be changed — it’s people’s communication styles that are usually more set in stone (thanks, dysfunctional Mom and Dad!). You’d be doing yourself and your dick a favor by talking to her immediately. Seeing how she handles the issue could help you decide if you want to go forward with your plans or cancel that order of embossed dinner napkins.
    Be tactful, yet specific: “I’d like to explore public sex,” or, “I want to get into S&M” is much more constructive than, “We never do anything fun in bed.” If you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, you might want to consider going to a professional. Along with other biggies like religion and money, premarital counselors specialize in this kind of thing.

Dear Miss Information,
    My best friend is bisexual and a big flirt. She keeps coming on to my boyfriend and I whenever we’re together. She walks around in her panties, touches me and has told me I’m hot while making eyes at my boyfriend. While I find her gorgeous, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of a threesome. My boyfriend is not so opposed. I want to stay friends with her and keep my boyfriend, but I am unsure what to do. — Terribly Confused

Dear Terribly Confused,
    Your best friend is chilling in her underpants around you and your man. She’s touching you and coming on to you. You’re feeling weird about the situation. These are the facts.
    Sex Detective #1 would look at the evidence and say, “This chick needs to speak up and set some boundaries.” I know you want to appear to be Ms. Open-Minded, especially around your wild-child best friend, but is maintaining that rep more important than feeling secure in your relationship? As Mrs. Bobby Brown would say, “Hell to the no.” Talk to your boyfriend and your best friend. Quick.
    Sex Detective #2 has a different view. She thinks you might be a little intrigued by going gay for a day, but you’re worried about how you and the boy will handle it. Will he like her more than me? Will the two of them run off together? This one doesn’t have an easy answer. I will say that there are other ways to explore threesomes that don’t involve knocking boots with your best friend. A more neutral third party might be more appropriate.
    Whichever coital Columbo you decide to go with, it’s vital to stay true to yourself and what you believe. Boyfriends and best friends are powerful influences, and I’d hate to see you compromise what you want just to please them.  


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©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com