Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’ve been dating a girl for two months. The sex is fantastic (she even did me in the elevator recently.) Last week I went down on her as I’ve done before, but this time I licked her asshole. She freaked out, jumped up and screamed that I was sick and she couldn’t be with me. Now she won’t return my calls. What should I do? — Wrong Move


Dear Wrong Move,
    If I’m getting the full story (and I’m assuming I am), then you did nothing wrong. Nothing that would deserve that type of reaction, anyway. Maybe you could have asked for more explicit permission before you started in with the analingus, but that’s about it. Next time I’m sure you’ll be a little more cautious with your game.
    You’re not a perv for eating ass, just as she’s not a prude for disliking it. Her way of letting you know, however, was pretty fucked up and immature. About the only thing you can do at this point is send her an email or tuck a note inside a card. I’m not sure what Hallmark offers for this kind of thing, but I’m sure it’s absolutely precious. Say that you’re sorry and that you’ll never try anything of that nature again without asking her first. If she doesn’t respond, cut your losses and move on.
    It’s also possible she was abused and the butt thing is triggering bad memories. Or maybe she has other issues with you and is using this as an excuse. God only knows why. “I dumped him because he licked my anus” isn’t something I’d want to repeatedly share with coworkers and friends.

Dear Miss Information,
    When I’m not in a relationship, I have a habit of screwing my exes. I start out feeling okay about this, but when the sex is over I feel like we’re breaking up all over again. I want to stop backtracking, but I don’t know how. — Ex-File Girl

Dear Ex-File Girl,
    Go to the nearest wholesale shopping club and pick up a jumbo-size case of self-esteem. While you’re at it: a barbeque grill, a dozen tube socks and some licorice whips. Red, not black.
    Good. Now think hard about why you do what you do. If it’s sheer horniness (and I doubt it), figure out some alternative outlets for that sexual energy. Masturbate, read dirty novels, do pull-ups at the gym.
    If it’s the chronic need for a shoulder to lean on (a.k.a. a need for intimacy), decide what changes you can make to help boost your self-worth. A conscious decision not to call up your exes, shared with your most supportive but hard-assed friends, is a good way to begin. Therapy is even better.
    In either event, the idea is to put more effort into finding new people to fall in love with and/or screw. You can’t hold onto old tail and find new tail at the same time. That’s the law of the jungle.

Dear Miss Information,
    I went on a couple dates with a nice fellow and then about died when he tried to kiss me. His tongue was like a wild tentacle. Since it’s so early in the relationship, I’m not sure how much work I should do. Some of my friends tell me bad kissers can’t be changed. Others say I should work with him. I feel like I owe it to humanity to at least try to do something before passing him on for others to endure. — Plagued by Squidlickey

Dear Plagued,
    The good news: most bad kissers can be trained. The not-so-good news: not all of them are open to instruction. It’s up to you whether you want to give ol’ Squidlickey the boot or put him in a remedial program. If everything else about the guy meets your standards and there’s a strong physical attraction, it might be worth it to give him some lessons.
    But if you were on the fence to begin with, I wouldn’t bother. Sure, there’s the old campsite rule about leaving the area nicer than you found it. But on the flip side, there are only so many awkward moments a dater can endure. It’s better to save them for those relationships where you feel really invested (or at least stand a chance of feeling that way). You don’t “owe it to humanity” to fix the flaws of every individual you date.
    Also, he might think your mouth-work is lousy as well. I’m reminded of my friends “Sue” and “Brad,” both of whom confided in me on separate occasions that the other is a terrible kisser. It would be like a bad sitcom premise if it weren’t true. Different tongue strokes for different folks.  

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