Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    On my birthday, my friend and I ended up making out. There were no weird vibes the next day whatsoever. I don’t want to date her and she doesn’t want to date me, but we’re really sexually compatible. We’ve talked about having a sexual relationship, but we’re concerned it could fuck up our friendship. What do you think? — Gal Pal


Dear Gal Pal,
    Traditional dating wisdom says you don’t fuck around with platonic friends. You know what? Fuck traditional dating wisdom. Does traditional dating wisdom know how hard it is to find a woman a) whom you find attractive and feel comfortable with; b) who isn’t going to be disappointed if you don’t want a serious relationship; c) who doesn’t have an overeager boyfriend in tow who’s pushing for a threesome? (This last one is one of Miss Information’s pet peeves. As Greta Garbo used to say, “I work alone.”)
    I’m sure you could meet a cool lady in a bar or online, but your current situation seems much less contrived. So why sqander the opportunity? Oh yeah, you’re worried about the friendship. Again, why? You guys gave it a test run, and you were still able to go out for coffee together. You even did some adult-type talking beforehand, which is more than I can say for ninety percent of the couples I’ve encountered.
    I do think it’s better for you to fuck occasionally instead of dating exclusively. Even if it’s just sex, once you start relying on someone as your sole source of gratification (sexual, emotional or otherwise), things get dicey. Let us know how it goes.

Dear Miss Information,
    Is it abnormal to hate back hair? I’ve been on several dates with men I liked very much, but when the moment of truth arrives, I’m shocked and turned off. What can I do to prevent this? — Animal Control

Dear Animal Control,
    Short of trolling for dates at nude beaches or electrolysis clinics, not much. Sorry if you don’t like this answer, it’s just the reality.
    Naked folks are like a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get. And boy, oh boy, does clothing hide a lot. I remember my first experience with a woman who wore an ultra-padded push-up bra. Talk about a scam. But I did what any savvy dater would do — I played through. I also discovered I’m not as much of a stickler for big tits as I thought.
    I know it sounds hokey, but if you meet the right guy, you may experience a similar change of heart. The right chemistry has a way of making superficial shit like back hair fall by the wayside.
    You’re still saying, “Not a chance, Sasquatch.” Okay, then. Drop some hints. Compliment him on non-hairy parts of his body, and say something about how much you love guys with smooth skin. Talk about cologne, aftershave — all that metrosexual stuff. If he’s smart, the next time you see him he’ll have a salon on speed dial. If all else fails, offer to help him shave or wax. Sounds icky, but I know of a few couples for whom it’s become a weird bonding experience.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine years. The last three or four have been truly unhappy. We don’t have sex, we rarely talk and the rest of the time is spent fighting. I recently became acquainted with another man. Nothing physical, but he sends chills up and down my spine. He’s everything I’ve been looking for and he feels the same about me. Should I forget the last nine years and follow my heart? — Confused Hopeless Romantic

Dear Confused Hopeless Romantic,
    For every area in which a relationship is lacking, there’s usually an area of intense fulfillment that corresponds. For example: “We fight all the time but the sex could knock down walls,” or “We rarely fuck but he’s my best friend.” For the really desperate, there’s, “We hate each other but like the same toppings on our pizza.”
    The question I ask is, where is this relationship’s source of fulfillment? Having been together for a long time doesn’t count. A lot of shitty stuff lasts for years and years. Look at the Vietnam War. Unless you can come up with something better, break up with him. Not because of your feelings for the new guy, but because of everything else you just said.
    I wouldn’t go any further with this new guy until then. Cheating isn’t a romantic way to start a relationship (ever seen Divorce Court or Springer?), and after nine years, you owe it to him to be straight up. It sounds like this breakup is long overdue. I know it’s scary leaving someone you’ve been with for so long, but in the words of my girl Anaïs Nin, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” You have it in you to live large. You just need to take that first step.  

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