Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
    I’m a smart, good-looking guy who treats women well. So why can’t I find a woman for a sex-only friendship? When I tell women that’s all I’m looking for, I get called a creep. But committed relationships take time and effort, and I can spare neither at the moment. How can I build a strong sexual relationship while letting women know it isn’t anything more then that?
Daddy Wants His Groove Back



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Dear Daddy,
    Don’t fall prey to the illusion that finding someone to fuck is easy and falling in love is what’s hard. That may be true on an swingers’ cruise, but real life is a different story. It can be extremely difficult to separate emotions from sex. If it weren’t, ninety percent of songs would not exist and Hollywood would have to shut down (not such a bad idea when you’re talking about The Lake House).
    Finding one woman who has what you need for a strictly physical relationship is setting the bar a bit high. Starting now, I want you to redefine your standards. Your only requirements should be: attractive enough to fuck, sexually healthy and able to maintain a basic conversation. She does not have to share your interest in Australian wines.
    You might also want to reconsider whether you want a NSA relationship with just one person. Yes, there are good arguments for doing this — less risky for the naughty bits, fewer awkward introductions. However, repeatedly sleeping with the same person builds attachment. If you’re the kind of guy women can’t resist turning into a boyfriend, then adopting a "three dates, you’re out" policy might work well.
    Also, always, always treat your fuck buddies as well as — better than — you’d treat a friend. Do not call her up at two a.m. and expect her to come over, fuck you and leave without at least offering up the couch. The fact that you get called "creep" regularly makes me believe you need to work on your interpersonal skills.



Dear Miss Information,
    I’m a male-to-female transsexual who’s not very cute and moving to a new city. With all these factors working against me, I don’t see myself finding a relationship anytime soon, yet I still get strong urges to go out and get laid. I want to wait for The One, but at the same time I’ve been considering a sleazy online hookup. I worry I’ll lose what dignity I have left if I go this route. What should I do? — Call Me ‘Tranny’ and I’ll Kill You


Dear Call Me,
    You don’t like the term tranny? How about “judgmental queen who disses cyber-hookups?” Since you’re intimidated by the online thing, try to hold out until you get to your new city. You’ll be amazed at the possibilities your new geography brings. So what if you don’t look like some stupid supermodel? You offer something unique that appeals to a very niche set. Look online — there are meet-up groups, nightspots and organized events for all types of people, including yours. In my town, if you’re a Satan worshipper who likes hip-hop and crewelwork, there are vegan and non-vegan options. It’s crazy.
     In the meantime, masturbate until it bleeds or explore a more "realistic" option like online chat or whacking off over the phone (warning: bank account threat — try to find a non-professional). Online hookups only get sleazy if you let them. Post an ad that says you want to kiss and make out only. Take stock of how you feel and whether you want to take the experiment further. You can also set up a regular date. If it goes well, sex will probably be an option. If it doesn’t, at least you’ll have a more graceful exit.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’m partners on a project with a lovely girl. The other day, our usual coffee-shop meeting turned into dinner followed by a romantic walk. At the end of the night, she started speaking bluntly about her casual sexual relationship with a younger man (he’s nineteen). She said it’s purely physical and she wants a guy with brains like me. She asked for my perspective — I gave it and hinted that I’m interested. How can I get her to pack it in with this guy? — Single Self-Saboteur

Dear Single Self-Saboteur,
    When a woman wants to hump you, she will do everything in her power to make it happen. This may involve wearing strappy piano-wire shoes that slice at her ankles, or repressing the urge to ask "How do you spell shut-the-fuck-up?" when you start talking about your fourth-grade spelling bee win. It will not, however, involve talking to you about some guy she’s currently sleeping with. So why is she sharing these stories? Maybe she considers you off-limits because you work together. Maybe she likes you and is trying to make you jealous. The more obvious answer is that she just doesn’t find you attractive, or she does but, for whatever reason, doesn’t view you in a sexual manner.
    Then again, women don’t take long walks with people they find repulsive, and she can’t be a stickler for workplace social boundaries if she’s regaling with you stories of nineteen-year-old dick. Next time she launches into one of her slutty yarns, change the subject. Here’s a good one: Romance in the Workplace. Has she ever tried it and how did it work out? Discuss. You should be able to get a lot of clues about her feelings for you from her answers.
    My prediction is that this little standoff will continue until you ask her out. I wouldn’t, but if you do, wait until the project ends. Then she’ll have no obvious excuse and you won’t have to feel stupid if she turns you down. Which you shouldn’t. Asking someone out takes guts. Hardcore flirting with someone you don’t really dig for a cheap boost of self-esteem ("Look everyone! This guy likes me!") is a much more cowardly endeavor.  


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©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com