Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
    My money shots are wildly inconsistent. Sometimes I deliver a powerful load, while other times the semen barely dribbles out of my cock. Is there anything I can do to shoot further more consistently and deliver maximum volume? &#8212 Comefused


Dear Comefused,
    You know those “As Seen on TV” ads where a guy goes from Horatio Sanz to Usher just by swallowing some non-FDA-approved pills? At the bottom right in minuscule print you’ll find the words, Your results may vary. The same holds true each time you orgasm. Variations in speed, volume and texture are all to be expected. That said, if your semen is bright blue and you’re not a Smurf, it’s time to see a doctor.
     The following are tips for giving your next load a higher rate of return. Keep in mind that if you’re an older investor, you might not have as much success. Sperm production tends to depreciate over time (just like this metaphor).
     Wait. Then wait some more. It’s all about the set-up, says gay porn star Michael Lucas: "Make your foreplay last longer. The longer you hold off on coming, the more you will produce. Get as aroused as possible. Use your imagination."
     How much ya bench? The muscle set responsible for spring-loaded ejaculation can be built up through exercise. Google "Kegel exercises for men" and you’ll find all you need to know to get pumped up below the belt. The best part? You can do a dick workout sitting in traffic and no one knows.
     Keith Richards is not a role model. Make sure you’re eating good stuff, getting enough liquids and exercising. Taking a multivitamin and a zinc supplement wouldn’t hurt either — these have been said to increase volume but the jury is still out on whether it works. Finally, steer clear of those sketchy supplements hanging by the beef jerky at the convenience store. Those are scary and unregulated.

Dear Miss Information,
    I’ve been involved with my girlfriend for five months. Other than a very brief relationship four years ago, I haven’t had sex in ten years. I’ve always regarded it as something to reserve for someone you love, and though my new girlfriend and I have talked about sleeping together, I still have reservations. Am I stunting my sexuality? &#8212 Milkman

Dear Milkman,
     Are you abstaining from sex because you want to, or are you abstaining from sex because you think it’s going to protect you from getting hurt? You can remain celibate forever, but some woman, somehow, somewhere may still fuck you over. Statistically speaking, her name will probably be Jennifer.
     So here’s what you do, Milkman. You get in a relationship. You make the best judgments you can based on the information you have at the time. The rest is up to the winds that blow. If I were you, I’d strongly consider moving forward with this woman. You’re older. You care for her, and you’re in a committed relationship. This "missing out" stuff is the only showstopper. Sexual maturity doesn’t come from having a vast number of partners. (Just ask Denise Richards how she feels about Charlie Sheen.) It’s how we treat our lovers and what we learn about our bodies in the process that make for true sexual development.
     Continue to talk to your patient lady about your worries. Then, when you feel you’re ready, shut up and bang her eight ways from Sunday. I bet you won’t regret it.

Dear Miss Information,
    My boyfriend and I have been together seven months and engaged for almost as long. A couple days ago, I began having serious doubts about our relationship. The very thought of marriage gives me an anxiety attack. I spoke with him about it, and he says I’m still traumatized by my last relationship. I love him and don’t want to push him away, but that seems like the only way to stop the panic. Should I walk down the aisle or walk away? &#8212 Not Quite a Runaway Bride

Dear Not Quite a Runaway Bride,
    What you’re describing goes way beyond a normal premarital freakout. If I were you, I’d listen to my body. Your brain may be a web of psychological nuance, but your gut is a better communicator. Right now it’s crying, "Stop!" and hitting you over the head with an aluminum bat. It’s in your best interest to listen.
    I can’t tell you whether to call off the wedding, but I do think it would be a good idea to apply the brakes until you determine what’s making you want to flee the room (other than the thought of picking out a bridesmaid dress). You’re not pushing him away. You’re creating breathing room so you can get a more balanced perspective. Panic and rational thought have never been the best of friends.
    As much as possible, I want you to stop going to your fiancé for advice. I know it’s natural to turn to him for reassurance, but he can’t help with this one. Instead, pull out your childhood blankie (Febreze it first), find a therapist or talk to a friend. Your boyfriend loves you and is going to do and say everything in his power to keep the relationship going. While sweet and honorable, it doesn’t make him the most objective listener. The only voice that matters here is yours. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I know way too many divorced couples who wish they had trusted their instincts before they got married.  

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