Miss Information | Nerve.com

June 21, 2006

Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
My money shots are wildly inconsistent. Sometimes I deliver a powerful load, while other times the semen barely dribbles out of my cock. Is there anything I can do to shoot further more consistently and deliver maximum volume? — Comefused

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Dear Comefused,
    You know those "As Seen on TV" ads where a guy goes from Horatio Sanz to Usher just by swallowing some non-FDA-approved pills? At the bottom right in minuscule print you'll find the words, Your results may vary. The same holds true each time you orgasm. Variations in speed, volume and texture are all to be expected. That said, if your semen is bright blue and you're not a Smurf, it's time to see a doctor.
     The following are tips for giving your next load a higher rate of return. Keep in mind that if you're an older investor, you might not have as much success. Sperm production tends to depreciate over time (just like this metaphor).
     Wait. Then wait some more. It's all about the set-up, says gay porn star Michael Lucas: "Make your foreplay last longer. The longer you hold off on coming, the more you will produce. Get as aroused as possible. Use your imagination."
     How much ya bench? The muscle set responsible for spring-loaded ejaculation can be built up through exercise. Google "Kegel exercises for men" and you'll find all you need to know to get pumped up below the belt. The best part? You can do a dick workout sitting in traffic and no one knows.
     Keith Richards is not a role model. Make sure you're eating good stuff, getting enough liquids and exercising. Taking a multivitamin and a zinc supplement wouldn't hurt either — these have been said to increase volume but the jury is still out on whether it works. Finally, steer clear of those sketchy supplements hanging by the beef jerky at the convenience store. Those are scary and unregulated.

Dear Miss Information,
I've been involved with my girlfriend for five months. Other than a very brief relationship four years ago, I haven't had sex in ten years. I've always regarded it as something to reserve for someone you love, and though my new girlfriend and I have talked about sleeping together, I still have reservations. Am I stunting my sexuality? — Milkman

Dear Milkman,
     Are you abstaining from sex because you want to, or are you abstaining from sex because you think it's going to protect you from getting hurt? You can remain celibate forever, but some woman, somehow, somewhere may still fuck you over. Statistically speaking, her name will probably be Jennifer.
     So here's what you do, Milkman. You get in a relationship. You make the best judgments you can based on the information you have at the time. The rest is up to the winds that blow. If I were you, I'd strongly consider moving forward with this woman. You're older. You care for her, and you're in a committed relationship. This "missing out" stuff is the only showstopper. Sexual maturity doesn't come from having a vast number of partners. (Just ask Denise Richards how she feels about Charlie Sheen.) It's how we treat our lovers and what we learn about our bodies in the process that make for true sexual development.
     Continue to talk to your patient lady about your worries. Then, when you feel you're ready, shut up and bang her eight ways from Sunday. I bet you won't regret it.

Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I have been together seven months and engaged for almost as long. A couple days ago, I began having serious doubts about our relationship. The very thought of marriage gives me an anxiety attack. I spoke with him about it, and he says I'm still traumatized by my last relationship. I love him and don't want to push him away, but that seems like the only way to stop the panic. Should I walk down the aisle or walk away? — Not Quite a Runaway Bride

Dear Not Quite a Runaway Bride,
    What you're describing goes way beyond a normal premarital freakout. If I were you, I'd listen to my body. Your brain may be a web of psychological nuance, but your gut is a better communicator. Right now it's crying, "Stop!" and hitting you over the head with an aluminum bat. It's in your best interest to listen.
    I can't tell you whether to call off the wedding, but I do think it would be a good idea to apply the brakes until you determine what's making you want to flee the room (other than the thought of picking out a bridesmaid dress). You're not pushing him away. You're creating breathing room so you can get a more balanced perspective. Panic and rational thought have never been the best of friends.
    As much as possible, I want you to stop going to your fiancé for advice. I know it's natural to turn to him for reassurance, but he can't help with this one. Instead, pull out your childhood blankie (Febreze it first), find a therapist or talk to a friend. Your boyfriend loves you and is going to do and say everything in his power to keep the relationship going. While sweet and honorable, it doesn't make him the most objective listener. The only voice that matters here is yours. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. I know way too many divorced couples who wish they had trusted their instincts before they got married.

n°

Previous Miss Info

Commentarium (15 Comments)

Jun 21 06 - 2:13pm

another piece of advice for the money shot dude - if you hold the base your your penis tightly as you're coming, much like a cock ring would (or, for that matter, use a cock ring), your come will shoot further and harder

Jun 22 06 - 7:24am

JCF

And just in case Comefused has missed the obvious, if you come too often, you'll have less available, and it won't shoot as far. If he can abstain from coming for a couple of days, he should have better luck. But then, does he really care about distance THAT much?

Jun 22 06 - 8:45am

W.A.

Re: Not Quite a Runaway Bride, while it's always good to listen to warning bells, it's not always easy to tell whether they're tolling "This guy isn't the right one for you", or "You have psychological issues with lasting intimacy and this engagement is bringing them up". I'm troubled by the lack of specificity about *what* the issue is, though it could've been edited out.

I'm glad Miss Information recommended a therapist, as too many people have thrown away awesome relationships because they listened to that voice saying "Run away!" without realizing that the voice wasn't really speaking in their own best interest. It's worth giving the therapist a chance to help you figure that out before you break this guy's heart (even if breaking his heart turns out to be the right thing to do).

Jun 22 06 - 2:23pm

REM

What is it with the recent fascination with Giant Loads? I've been getting this new form of spam flogging load enhancement for a couple of months. Orgasm sensation varies with duration of foreplay and duration since last orgasm, but I don't know that its specifically correlated to volume of ejaculate. Am I missing something? (P.S. I've heard that prostate massage can produce a bigger bang, but I can't confirm because my anus has one of those "Do Not Back Up -- Severe Tire Damage" signs on it.)

For the runaway-maybe bride: You got engaged after knowing the guy a month or two? That's a red flag MI didn't mention. You may be reacting to the premature commitment. It sounds like you may be reacting to a fear of commitment and a desperate need for it, which is pulling yoi in two directions. The therapist idea is a very, very good one. You need to figure out where these feelings are coming from before you can decide what to do about them. In the mean time, slowing down and NOT getting married immediately is the best idea.

Jun 22 06 - 6:30pm

KsZ

I wonder about milkman and his girlfriend probably does too. They've been dating for five months.. shouldn't that be enough time for him to decide whether they relate enough to have sex?

I mean, sure, you don't want to jump into bed after 2 hours and 2 margaritas, but it seems like they've definitely given the relationship enough time to get to know each other.

He's not a virgin... If he doesn't want to jump her bones, then what's going on?

Jun 22 06 - 9:48pm

You'd think someone giving sex advice would know the difference between sperm and semen. Also, production of semen doesn't depreciate, it decreases.

Jun 22 06 - 10:53pm

Good catch AS. I'll be more careful next time.

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