Miss Information

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Have a question? Email Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

Dear Miss Information,
     I’m a gay guy. A few weekends ago, my closest friend and I were out partying. After a while, he became uncharacteristically affectionate and told me that he thought we should be dating. Minutes later, he passed out cold. It turned out that someone had slipped him a rufie. Now I don’t know whether his declaration of attraction to me was real or simply made under the influence. If it was real, I want to pursue him. What should I do? — Cruel Irony


Dear Cruel Irony,
     The disgusting weather is getting to me. It’s so hot my sweat’s sweating, so forgive me if I’m not my normal, level-headed self. Now, a quick question about your thinking: What. The. Fuck? Your friend’s drink gets spiked with a dangerous drug and your first concern is your own libido? How about paying attention to something a bit more pressing, like your friend’s possible brush with a health emergency? He’s probably feeling vulnerable, scared and embarassed to top it all off. Now is not a good time for a romantic proposal.
     It’s true that alcohol and drugs can be a truth serum. They bring out emotions we wouldn’t normally express, either because we only feel them when we’re wasted or we’re so repressed that we’d have a hard facing them sober. This doesn’t mean your friend’s emotions that day were real or authentic. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t.
    You need to chill. If your friend harbors legit feelings, they’ll come out on their own. Concentrate on being a good friend, and distance yourself if that’s what’s required. Remain open to other romantic possibilities in the interim.

Dear Miss Information,
    I recently went on a date with a single mom. She says she and her husband are separated and that he ran off to join the military when she was three months pregnant. What are the chances she’s a cheating military wife looking for some action while her husband is abroad? — Duty, Honor, Country

Dear Duty, Honor, Country,
     The chances this woman is lying are fifty-fifty. The chances she’s a relationship minefield are one hundred percent. Let’s assume her story is true and this cowardly fuckwit of a husband left her in the midst of her pregnancy. Now she’s single-handedly raising a new baby while going through a long-distance divorce. And not just any divorce, but a divorce from someone whose life is in constant peril.
     If she’s lying, the outlook doesn’t get much better. She’s a skank and a sneak, and when her husband comes home, you can bet your combat boots you’ll take a backseat to the man who’s both her husband and her baby’s father.
     Obviously, the first scenario is more salvageable than the second. If you think she’s worth pursuing despite the complications, scrape together as much info as you can. Spend time in different scenarios and settings. Ask to meet her relatives and the people she considers most important. Most cheaters will confine their paramours to one specific location or portion of their schedule. Are you finding this to be the case? If you have serious balls, you could always ask to see the paperwork related to her divorce. Someone who’s been suddenly abandoned and betrayed (like her, if her story’s correct) should understand your concern.

Dear Miss Information,
    My roommate cheats on his girlfriend and doesn’t always use protection. I’ve spent a decent amount of time with his girlfriend, and while we’re not the best of friends, I feel like an asshole for not telling her. I’m moving out, but I’m afraid that if he finds out it was me who told her, he’ll seek retribution — although plenty of people know. How big of a dick would I be if I did it anonymously? — Tattle Tale

Dear Tattle Tale,
     To tell or not to tell — a complicated equation. Take the degree of friendship with parties A and B, multiply by severity of the offense involved and divide by the likelihood of ass-whupping and/or ostracism. Even if you use your TI-81 graphing calculator (what, you thought I wasn’t looking?) there’s still no one correct answer.
     Your roommate is being a prick and putting his girlfriend’s health in jeopardy. While it’s true that we’re not responsible for others and M.Y.O.B is usually the best policy, I think you should live up to your self-chosen name and tell her.
     But before you do, know the risks:    

  1. Your roommate’s going to hate you when he finds out.
  2. Your roommate’s girlfriend’s going to hate you.
  3. They’re both going to hate you.
  4. Your friends will hate you by proxy.

     I’m not saying all four will happen. Best-case scenario: she breaks up with the douchebag, the douchebag decides it’s for the best and everyone stays friends. Fred Durst stops making records, there’s peace on earth and a little dog that looks uncannily like Benji gets adopted.
     But probably not. So can you live with 1, 2, 3 and 4? You can? Good. Now go to a library or an internet café and send an anonymous email to your roommate’s girl. Insert enough detail to make it credible but not so much that you give yourself away. Don’t send it from your home computer. That’s amateur.
     No matter how ninja-like you are, moving out makes you an automatic suspect. This will only work if you vow never, ever to tell anyone it was you. Even after the fact.
     As for your last question: Yes, you’re being a bit of dick. But her boyfriend’s actions are dick-like too. Sometimes one dick deserves another.
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