Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.


Dear Miss Information,
On a recent break from boot-knocking, my fuck buddy and I started talking. He told me he sees himself married within the next year. Taken aback, I laughed and said, "Well, it was nice knowing you, then.” We had an uncomfortable moment or two before getting back to business.
    I’m kind of nervous now. I don’t know where this puts us. I mean, he’s obviously going to be wife-hunting soon. Is this his not-so-subtle suggestion that our no-strings days are over?
    I don’t think he’s considering me as a potential wife. Or maybe he is, and if so, that’s terrifying. He might have said it to elicit some response from me. I don’t think he’s lying. Where do I go from here? — Marriage Stole My Fuck Buddy


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Dear Marriage:
Your first mistake was having any conversation involving the words "marriage” and "future” with someone who’s a fuck buddy. But let’s assume you were at that particular spoke in your menstrual cycle in which a Folger’s Crystals commercial is enough to make you cry.
    I really don’t think you have much to worry about. Lots of people talk about getting married the same way they do running a marathon or growing an organic garden. Awesome ideas in theory, but the actual execution takes a lot of work, and few are truly willing or capable. They’d rather just yammer on about their plans so people think they’re deep/spiritual/mature/etc.
    I would keep enjoying the fuckfests and try to take his remarks at face value. If he meant something deeper, he’ll let on in other not-so-subtle ways, and you can deal with it then. If his timeline is correct, he’s only got a year to make you his wife, so he better get wooing.


Dear Miss Information,
Mine is a tired old story. Boy meets much younger, virginal intern. Boy and intern develop relationship over the course of a month. Boy has previously scheduled female visitor staying at his house from out of town. Boy and female visitor do more than visit. Boy lies to intern. Boy is caught.
    Can the boy and the intern overcome this, or should they just throw in the towel? After all, the aforementioned liaison WAS a bizarre situation, boy and intern weren’t technically in an exclusive relationship, liaison was a pre-existing loose end to tie up, and other such excuses. If a happy ending (not that kind, you minx!) is possible, how? — The Rationalizer

Dear Rationalizer,
You’ve got your defenses down better than Wacko Jacko’s attorneys, but I’m not the one you have to convince. It’s up to the intern to take you back, and while I’m not a fan of lying (or gentlemen who use the word "minx" un-ironically), I do think it’s possible she’ll rule in your favor.
    If I were this intern, I’d want to know if this behavior was a habit for you, and how many of your relationships have ended in a similar way. I’d also want to know if your taste in women is limited to those who make you feel like Kingshit McBigshot (i.e., younger and occupying lower rungs on the career ladder), or if I happen to be an exception. Finally, I’d ask whether Miss Out-of-Towner was someone you plan on talking with regularly, or if it was just a one-time thing.
    Assuming your answers pass muster with Miss Intern, and assuming you conduct yourself with 100% honesty from here on out, I would give you guys a 50/50 chance of making it work. Whether you want to battle back from the losing end of a month-old relationship is questionable. Miss Info might just chalk it up to a mistake made and move on, preferably to someone more evenly matched.


Dear Miss Information:
I’ve been dating a guy for several months now and things are great, except for one little thing. Well, two, really. The first one is that he doesn’t like me exploring his body. When I point out little freckles or spots that I like, he pulls away and tells me it makes him self-conscious. Since we’ve been together, he’s gained back some of the weight he lost a while ago, but I love all of him and tell him so. This leads to number two: his sex drive is WAY lower than mine. I’ve brought it up a few times, and he’s told me he’s either tired or not feeling well. What gives? — Apparently Insensitive


Dear Insensitive:
It’s surprising (and a little bit sad) how being au naturel doesn’t come more naturally to most of us, Miss Information included. Once, I ruined a very romantic post-sex interlude when a boy whispered, "I love your big hips”. Of course, he meant it as a testament to my womanly shape, but I fixated on the word "big" and immediately began assaulting him with, "Are you saying I’m FAT?” and other such nonsense.
    Point is, a compliment to some is an insult to others, particularly in such a vulnerable state. Even though you mean well in praising each and every ingrown hair, you’re probably doing more harm than good. The best way to make him feel sexy could be a more passive approach. Be ultra-observant of what situations and triggers put him into perv mode, and encourage accordingly. If he leers at some lace panties in the shop window, buy a few pairs. If he initiates sex in the shower, attack him the next time he drops the soap.
    The fact that he’s tired, gaining weight and has a low sex drive are pretty classic Afterschool Special-esque signs that he’s not his usual self. It could be a temporary funk, or something more serious like depression. It’s ultimately something he’s going to have to deal with on his own. Shrink or shaman, you are not.
 

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©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com