Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I met a guy and I'm so sprung, but I don't want him to know that. We both have each other's chat handles. I'll be at work and I'll see him online. Should I message him then, or wait for him to contact me? I don't want to ruin my chances by being a spaz. — Digital |
Dear Digital,
Everyone uses instant messaging differently. My mom treats it like a face-to-face conversation, whereby a pause of fifteen seconds is occasion to get huffy and log off. With other people on my buddy list, I can go from rapid-fire conversation to saying a four words per hour, knowing they're fine with this kind of inconsistent response (if not my cloying kitty-cat icon).
You don't need to instant message this guy just because you see him online. Think about your cell phone. Do you feel compelled to call up everyone in your address book just because you're getting three bars? If so, you were probably that woman standing next to me in the coffee line this morning and I'm sorry for winging my croissant at your head.
If you're worried about seeming like a spaz, I would use the medium sparingly until you get more familiar with this gent. Ask, "Is this a good time?" before you initiate a conversation, and use decent spelling and grammar until you work your way up to inside jokes, crude slang and cutesy abbreviations. It's kind of like sex — you want to pay attention to timing and pace. When you message him, does he respond right away? If not, you might want to back off.
One more thing. I want to use Digital's letter to issue a general warning against relying too heavily on instant messaging in a relationship's early stages. It can be a very immediate and intimate forum. If you want to flirt, that's one thing, but using it to have conversations you're afraid to have in person can be a difficult pattern to break. |
Dear Miss Information,
Is it possible to have a well-adjusted relationship with someone who works in the sex industry? I'm a lesbian who dated a stripper, and it didn't end well. I caught her in several lies. Plus, she insisted she was a lesbian but is now dating her ex-boyfriend. I'm beginning to think that any job which requires you to put on an act to make money can't coincide with a healthy relationship. What's your opinion? — Between Two Chairs |
Dear Between Two Chairs,
If you want to institute a "no shuck-and-jive" policy with the women you date, you might as well write off ninety-nine percent of the working population. Whether it's the white-collar worker who oohs and aahs over his boss's ugly baby or the vegan waitress who swallows her disgust as she serves up a Meat Lover's pizza, everyone puts on an act to some extent. It's how we earn our pay.
That said, I think you could make the argument that the sex-worker profession tends to draw a higher proportion of people with serious issues — broken relationships, substance abuse, financial troubles and so on. Do people pursue this line of work because they have these problems to begin with (i.e., a woman who starts stripping to support a drug habit) or do they have these problems because we live in a society that's unsupportive of what they do (i.e., an escort who's mistreated but is afraid to tell the authorities)? Let's simplify and say that you prefer not to date exotic dancers. That's cool. You don't need an empirical reason. I don't like dating sound engineers. The personality required for the hyper-exacting process of recording music strikes me as anal retentive and boring. I'm sure I could meet men who defy that stereotype, but it's easier for me to skip over those personal ads altogether. Central to dating is the concept of individual choice, so trust your tastes and experiences.
As for your ex: stripper or no, dumping her was an excellent decision. It sounds like you put up with her untruths because you believed she was a sensitive soul who couldn't bear to hurt anyone's feelings. Now you know that, like most people who are that passive-aggressive, her lies were all about making her life easier and avoiding unpleasant emotional situations.
Take some time to lick your wounds, then go find a more honest hottie to lick them for you.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm in a bar, someone hits on me and I'm just not interested. What's the polite way to handle it? I'm a female in my twenties. — Baby Blue |
Dear Baby Blue,
I like to think of guys at bars as telemarketers. Time is money, and the more time you spend listening to their spiel, the more guilty and attached you become. Also, that's time that said guy could be spending talking to another (presumably more interested) girl. You think you're being polite by spending all evening chatting with a guy you're not into, but what you're really doing is messing with his quota.
So what do you do? You learn how to reject. It's grown-up, it's empowering and it gets easier over time. A good rejection has two parts. The first part thanks the solicitor for their efforts, and the second issues the rejection in no uncertain terms, putting forth any additional rebuttals in a clear, consistent manner. The exact wording is up to you, but I find a little white lie like, "Thanks, but my friend and I haven't seen each other in a while and we want to catch up," goes down easier than, "Go away, I don't want to talk to you." A logistics-related excuse like, "No thanks, we're leaving soon," is also handy, but then comes the pressure to make good on your claim. If the guy's being ultra-persistent, go ahead and be a little more blunt. The "won't take no for an answer" shtick is not at all adorable, and the sooner he learns that lesson, the better.
Most importantly, be kind. I have a girlfriend who brags about all the verbal smackdowns she puts on guys at clubs. Yeah, she's sometimes funny, but she's also been fired for being "abrasive" and complains that she can't find a steady guy. I'd like to think these two facts are unrelated, but it's the little everyday interactions that often have great bearing on your personal life.
Ladies and gents, what's your standard "thanks, but no thanks" line? Share it in Feedback and help the non-confrontational learn to confront in creative ways. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
|
Commentarium (15 Comments)
The best song this summer is about how to let someone of the hook: Lily Allen's Knock 'Em Out off her super pop record Alright, Still - enjoy!
How about, "I'm not your type ? "
A simple 'Thanks for expressing your interest, but it's not reciprocated', seems brief, to the point, not a personal attack, and mercifully neutral.
Check out the rejection #, http://www.rejectionhotline.com/
If saying no is too hard, give them one of these #'s.
when i'm turning down someone i say different things. if i meet them just randomly (at a cafe, on the street, etc.) i'll usually say that i'm seeing someone. if i meet them at a bar and i'm not interested i usually say that i'm talking with my friend. if i go on a date with blind date with someone and if they ask me to go out again i usually say that i appreciate their interest but actually i don't feel a connection. it's better to cut someone off at the pass than have them continue to pursue you to no avail; in this way, you don't waste their time, and you don't waste your own time trying to avoid them or thinking up excuses until teh next time.
Ugh.
That rejection hotline (below) is shallow and evil.
Just say, "No thanks" or "I have a boyfriend". How hard is that? If they don't take that for an answer, *then* get mean ("Go away") -- not beforehand!
Anyone who can't give a simple and direct "No" is probably the kind of woman who reads "The Rules".
I am engaged, so I gesture a lot with the my left hand, the one with the rock on it. That usually gets the point across.
"Well, it was nice talking to you." Also, "You know, I need to use the ladies'." Then you walk away. So easy.
As a guy, I'd rather you just say No than say you're going to the ladies' room, and disappear entirely. That just leaves us hanging and wondering why. And it makes for awkward situations if we ever see you again.
Some of the worst ones I've seen, been hit with, or otherwise bumped into:
#1: "Whoa, we are so not in the same league. (pointing at nearby obese, dour-looking woman) Why don't you go talk to her or something?"
#2: "Um, sorry, I don't have time for ugly guys tonight. B-bye."
#3: "Look, I'm not into fat chicks. If you wanted to go give me a blowjob or something in the bathroom that'd be OK, though."
#4: "What do you do for a living?" (my friend answers) "Oh, sorry, not interested. I'm really looking for someone hot or rich, and you're not either of those, so...sorry."
Smile, laugh, and take your beer back to wherever you came from. Not everything has to be interpreted as a come-on, even if it is. Acting dull is the best defense.
RE: come-on rebuttals
If someone is blunt enough to hit on me and not warm it up with conversation first, they're definitely in a hurry and deserve "no" in any way I can dish it out. All it really takes is body language. Turn around, excuse yourself to go to the girls' room, dance or whatever when you feel unwanted attention. If he's still hot, then I feel I have every right to be rude.
Thanks-but-no-thanks takes on many forms according to who's asking. Polite people get polite responses: I generally smile, exchange a few lines then say I have to join my boyfriend (if he is around, and he almost always is) or my friends. I try to be nice and not make them feel like complete losers, because I know how some men cannot read signals to save their lives, and just hit on every girl they find attractive, regardless of whether or not she's shown interest. And I kind of feel sorry for them, and want to make them feel good about themselves. Then there's the annoying pest who just won't go away, and he's generally drunk. A cool (as in "could freeze alcohol") smile and a silent stare generally does the trick, as it scares the bejesus out of them. "Excuse me, do I know you?" is reserved for catcalls in the street (provided I can be arsed to acknowledge them) and really really out-of-it people.
i'm a big fan of "i don't come out to meet people" usually it shocks the men (or women whatever the case may be) just long enough to get away. they don't always believe it, but i don't care. for me, it's the truth. if i go out to a show alone, i'm not looking for anything except a beat to shake my tailfeathers to. if i happen to end up in conversation with someone who doesn't seem motivated by getting into my pants, i am not opposed to talking to strangers in bars or clubs. in general, i am out to socialize with the people i came with or to dance.
it sounds a little bitchy typed out, but it's all in the tone, ending with a smile and then walking away.
the best way to get rid of a guy is to start blabbing about this other guy that you just met and are sure is your soul mate. they're gone before you finish the drink they bought you.
Now you say something