Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Want to see Miss Information live? She'll be appearing at "Revenge of the Sex Advice Columnists," part of In The Flesh, an erotic reading series, on Wednesday, September 20th at Happy Ending Lounge. Visit inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.com for more details.
Dear Miss Information,
Recently, a touring band crashed at my friend's house and I hooked up with the bassist. I was drunk, and the next morning I realized I'd been totally off my game in bed. Now I'm embarrassed, and his band is coming through town again. Should I try to hook up with him, or cut my losses and steer clear? — Rock My Socks Off |
Dear Rock My Socks Off,
Enough with the analyzing. Fuck him. You're young. You're single. Why the hell not? You're not trashing your marriage and spending your kid's college fund to follow some dickhead across the country. The fact that he's coming to your neighborhood just seals it. What we've got here is a 50/50 chance of getting some delivered straight to your door. Most groupies would be thrilled with those odds.
One thing that strikes me about your letter is how sheepish you are. Tell me, what exactly is embarrassing about having screwed a hot rocker? So you weren't your level best. Big deal. Like you said, you were boozy, and it seldom goes smoothly the first time. He's just a guy who happens to be in a band. That's all. He farts, he gets zits and he probably got picked on in junior high. Unless he can levitate or pull bunnies out of his ass, you need to stop ascribing him such a lofty status.
I'm going to give you a little required reading: I'm With the Band by Pamela Des Barres and The Happy Hooker by Xaviera Hollander. Some people call these women sluts, but I like to think of them as "sex-positive." Give them a read and make up your own mind. If anything, they're good for making a girl feel downright demure in comparison.
Now go get dressed in your slutty best, go to the show and see what happens. Go easy on the alcohol — the prey usually goes to the swiftest and sharpest, and you might have competition. I don't want to be a naysayer, but keep in mind that this kind of happening is usually difficult to recreate. All the planets (Pluto notwithstanding) need to align, so go into it with the attitude that it's not going to go down. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised if it does. |
Dear Miss Information,
I'm going through a breakup with a man who cheated on me throughout our relationship. Now that I'm out of this bad situation, I'm ready to have sex with someone else. I want whomever I sleep with to have an AIDS test first and tell me the result (I would still make him use a condom as well, because I know there are other diseases). My friends argue that's going too far. Am I being too uptight? — Happily Healthy |
Dear Happily Healthy,
Picture your vagina as an exclusive club with your brain as the bouncer — you have complete control over who gets in the door. The clubs up the street? Fuck 'em. They can admit manwhores like Jack Nicholson, for all you care. You make your own entry policies.
I agree with your friends: your particular policy is on the strict side. However, I don't think asking for an AIDS test is so unreasonable that it's going to turn off the overwhelming majority of guys. A few impatient one-night stands, maybe. But every single eligible male on planet Earth? No. Your club is very exclusive, and most guys will do whatever it takes to get in.
I don't think your friends are giving you bad advice, they're just not taking your relationship history into account. It's like telling someone who almost drowned that they're overdoing it by wearing an inner-tube and floaties. They should be heaping praise on you for even jumping in the water. Not everyone knows how or where to get an AIDS test, and it's one of those tasks people love to put off. So compile the names, addresses and appointment hours of a few nearby clinics and have this information readily available for your next partner. Suddenly he's out of excuses.
Finally, since safety is such a big issue, you might want to ask your bedmate for some sort of physical record of the test results. As you learned with your previous relationship, deception can occur no matter what the level of commitment. The best you can do is make positive choices and not be put off by what your friends say. They probably wish they had your chutzpah. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
|
Commentarium (9 Comments)
Happily Healthy is being a bit strict, and one sided. If her last relationshiped involved cheating her new squeeze has as much to worry about as she does. There is the possibility that he gave her more than a distrust of men. To be fair, she should suggest that they both get tested and share results.
Erin,
Methinks your answer was incomplete....in a couple of ways. Most importantly, you neglected to ask if "Happily Healthy" has had an AIDS test. She's the one who has been sleeping with a guy who was simultaneously having multiple lovers. Secondly, it's my understandingf that the AIDS test will only show up positive as long as 6 months after exposure to the virus. If true, anyone wanting to be completely safe will need proof that their prospective lover has not had sex for six months before their test!!! Tough times we live in.
I've had a girlfriend show me her test results (for more than AIDS) and point me towards the free clinic. Didn't take long for me to head there and get tested myself...
Erin--bit of an edit needed on the second-to-last sentence in your first advice answer: "...this kind of happening is usually often to recreate."
to the girl who was cheated on and is insisting that her new partners get an AIDS test and wear a condom- Congrats on being smart. You arent being too strict. when 1 in 4 people under the age of 25 has an STD you need to be a little careful esp if you dont know them well. most people though arent going to have a hard copy of their results so you are just going to have to trust them, which really you need to do first of all before you sleep with them.
Note from Happily Healthy:
Pretty much the first thing I did was get tested for everything and I am indeed, happily healthy. :)
As for this:
"I want whomever I sleep with to have an AIDS test first and tell me the result."
Don't be TOO exclusive. What I mean is, it's not exclusively *your partner-to-be's* job to go get a test. It'll go over a lot better if you offer to go get tested as well.
And if you change partners, don't try bringing out test results that are a year old and say "but SEE, I already did it! I don't have to." Suck it up and go along, and make it a brand new, together thing *every time* =)
Awesome, as always.
Another suggestion for "Happy Healthy" - why not get tested together? It's an awkard date, to be sure, but it puts the "Hey, let's take care of each other and ourselves" context in there rather than the "I can't trust other humans" context.
lots of guys want to get laid badly enough that they are willing to get tested to get laid. another benefit of asking them to get tested: since no reasonably guy would decline, it weeds out the assholes!
Now you say something