Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a twenty-three-year-old guy who hasn't had sex in over a year and a half. I've always been a bit of a slacker sexually (I was twenty-one when I lost my virginity), but this is ridiculous. Every time a girl seems attracted to me, I simply cannot make the first move. I freeze up, turn to stone and look the other way. I have no idea what's causing this. What can I do to help myself? — Paralyzed |
Dear Paralyzed,
You can't have sex unless you talk to women. You can't talk to women because you're too shy. The only way to get over being too shy is by talking to women. It's like the sexual version of that mythical painting where the snake is swallowing its own tail. Then again, if you could do that, there'd be no need to talk to women.
You're feeling afraid and that's okay. We all want to skip ahead to the part where we're fucking like bunnies and then snuggling up to eat Nutter Butters together. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, and romance is built on conversations that are both awkward and scary. I deal with it by making a joke. My favorite pickup lines — the sleazily classic "Come here often?" and altogether inane "So, do you like 'stuff'?" — ensure that even if I strike out, at least I'll get a few laughs when I replay the scenario in my head. Meeting people gets a lot easier once you're able to poke fun at yourself and your inevitable mistakes. Being Joe Cool is vastly overrated. Besides, no one's really that cool anyway. Who do you think you're competing against? Have you ever sat back (preferably sober) and watched the social interactions at your neighborhood bar? A bunch of chimpanzees in sport coats, that's all we are. It's simultaneously amusing and revolting.
So go talk to women. Lots of them. It's the only way you're going to get over your fear, and the side effect is that you'll eventually get laid. I know of no other phobia so rewarding to cure. |
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for fifteen months. When I'm away at school, he expects me to talk dirty over the phone. I've told him time and again that I'm not completely comfortable doing this because I never know who could be listening. Plus, I think I sound totally ridiculous. I can never find the right thing to say, and dirty talk sounds out of place and foreign coming out of my mouth. My boyfriend takes my reaction as me not being comfortable with him or not trusting him, which isn't the case at all. What can I do to make him understand that I'm not comfortable with phone sex; or, what can I do to build confidence in my speech? — Tongue Tied |
Dear Tongue Tied,
Put on your shoes, Tongue Tied, because you're about to go shopping. For a butt plug. The biggest, baddest butt plug you can find. Got that butt plug? Is it bigger than a traffic cone? Good. Now I want you to take that butt plug and mail it to your boyfriend with a note saying, "If you trust me, you'll let me use this on you, even if the thought of it doesn't turn you on."
Okay, maybe I'm being a jerk. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't have to be cool with a particular kink just because your partner is. He should chill with the negative psychoanalysis.
All that aside, if you want to be better at phone sex, a few suggestions:
1) Rather than planning a formal "phone-sex hour" where you've got the room all decked out with scented candles (can you say pressure?), let the calls happen more spontaneously. If you just got out of the shower and you're half-naked, call him. If you went shopping and bought a pair of ass-hugging jeans, call him. If you see a girl and your brain thought "threesome!" call him. You don't have to talk long — you can do thirty-second "quickies" that help you reconnect and get warmed up for a later time.
2) Phone sex is a lot less intimidating if you add visuals. Buy a webcam or use a camera-equipped cell phone. You might also want to get a headset if you don't have one already. Experiment with different combinations of media (phone sex + exchanging pics, phone sex + online chat, phone sex + looking at porn) until you find the one that feels most natural.
3) Steal some ideas from the pros. Have a male friend call a phone-sex operator while you listen in on the other end, look up sample phone sex scripts online or hit the campus library for a how-to book. Miranda Austin's got a good one called Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills. She's also written one on something called "erotic knife play," but you might want to slip another book's dust jacket over that one.
Dear Miss Information,
My fiancée (let's call her "Jill") is angry at one of her bridesmaids ("Jane"). A short while ago, Jane left a post on the MySpace account of one of Jill's exes, calling him a "hottie." My fiancée got very upset and thinks it was inappropriate for Jane to do what she did. Keep in mind that we're not in high school — these women live fourteen hours apart, Jill and this guy broke up over two years ago and one of them is engaged. I told my fiancée that her reaction made it seem as though she wasn't over her ex. She promptly called me an asshole and has been hostile ever since. Am I wrong? I've always thought that rules against dating a friend's ex went out of style after a certain age, and were null and void once you got engaged or married. — Staring At The Rings |
Dear Staring At The Rings,
Sorry, you're wrong. People don't stop having feelings once they're engaged or married. All the neuroses we endured as singles are still there. It's naïve of you to expect your fiancée to feel indifferent toward her ex. Even if she were all Switzerland, pre-wedding is a highly emotional time. You're blending finances, signing scary legal documents and committing to monogamy with one person for rest of your life. That's why many brides and grooms will focus their apprehension on one particular person or aspect of the event. Freud calls it "displacement," and you'll see it in the bride who has a hissy fit at her caterer: "Goddammit, I said I wanted ecru for the tablecloths. This is light beige!"
Staring At the Rings, I see the same phenomenon happening here. You're afraid that your fiancée is still interested in her ex-boyfriend. Instead of owning up to that jealousy, you're finding ways to discredit her feelings about something else. You suggest that she's being immature, say her friend has done no wrong, she wouldn't feel that way if she were more committed to you, etc. Meanwhile, your fiancée is likely suffering from that delusional notion some brides have that no one should be able to fuck with her big day. She's supposed to be the prettiest, most desirable woman around, and the thought of her bridesmaid and ex-lover bumping uglies doesn't exactly jibe with that plan. Neither does a husband who doesn't come to her aid. I agree that a MySpace comment seems pretty meaningless and silly, but for Jill it's too late. Her brain's already run in the wrong direction, and your hyper-rational reasoning is hurting more than it's helping.
I think you and your fiancée need to turn up the empathy for each other, and either drop it or find a way to get past the situation. If you're really serious about getting past that "high school" mentality, you might want to consider getting off MySpace (OMG ROTFLMAO, I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!) n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (15 Comments)
Erin Bradley, I love you.
Signed,
(some primarily straight girl in ME)
Rings - call off the wedding. Next time date a grown up.
Rings -- you're right, your fiance is acting like a spoiled child, and you need to iron out this issue before you're married to her. That being said, Miss Info does have a strong point in her last paragraph.
Miss Info -- that first answer on talking to women was really quite good. A classic, even. Every introverted guy has had this problem at some point, and they would all do well to use your excellent advice.
God damn it people! get off of myspace! People need to tone down with the online dramas.
Erin, you like Nutter Butters ? Best "after sex" food on the planet. dirtwood
Paralyzed,
You should buy one of those very heavy,industrial type mops with the long wooden handle. Soak that bad boy in some ice water...close to freezing, then have the biggest motherfucker you can find take that cold,wet,heavy mop and slap you in the damned head with it. Now , when you get up off of the floor, go to a bar and talk to a woman. You are twenty-fuckin'-three yrs old. The WORLD IS YOURS. LIVE. dirtwood
Tongue Tied, no disrespect to Erin,she is awesome, but skip the butt plug,and go get yourself the thickest,veiniest,9" strap-on dildo you can buy and tell sweat meat that you will do some serious dirty talking while you are behind him. Don't EVER do something you don't want to do. EVER! dirtwood
Staring At The Rings, I'm willing to bet that you are just being eaten alive with second thoughts about this deal.Does she give you a hard time about how you talk to a waitress too? I am divorced from a woman like this. She is the most anal retentive bitch ,this side of hell. Run while you still can.Fuck the consequences. RUN !!!!!!!!!!! dirtwood
Erin,
I really enjoy your columns, but your advice to "Rings" is off the mark. His "fiancee" is completely disrespecting him with her ridiculous response and is NOT girlfriend/marriage material. He should be thank her, kick her to the curb, and head for the hills.
Reverse the situation and ask yourself how you'd feel about it.
Warmly,
Single man for a reason
What happens if she sends him the giant butt plug and he's way into it and not only wants her to use it on him, but also wants her to talk about it on the phone all the time?
Bart
Wait a second on Rings: This is someone who, presumably, he wanted to spend the rest of his or her life with, right? You don't throw someone like that overboard because she's having a freak out just before the wedding -- who knows what prior history there is between the bridesmaid and the bride? Is this dredging up some other association? I agree with Miss I here. Say to her, "Look, I know you are upset with bridesmaid. Don't let this or anything ruin your day. I'm sorry [women love it when you apologize when you've done nothing wrong, BTW] if my reaction seemed unsupportive of your feelings, but I was feeling [ditto re. your feelings] anxious about you, and needed reassurance that you love me and want to marry me." If she reacts negatively to that, then you may actually have a problem. -Profrobert
'Jill' and 'Staring' are too immature to get married. Wait 10 years and try to grow up, kids. You may be out of highschool, but clearly highschool isn't out of you...
Rings, be careful. The wedding is a very special day, but there are lots of other very special days. How many days out of the year can you tiptoe around her? I bet she is a bitch at xmas too.
Also, what in the hell ass are y'all doing on myspace?!?!
If "Paralyzed" is really shy, I'd like to add to Miss Information's advice, and point out that he should also talk to completely unavailable women, ones that are already in happy relationships with other people. Don't hit on them, obviously, because you know the answer will be no, so with the fear of rejection taken out, it may be easier to just be friendly. (Make sure the guy in her life knows you're not hitting on her, either, if you want to keep your teeth.) This is not only good practice for talking with the women you have a chance of being more-than-friends with, but some women in happy relationships seem to like matching up their single friends, so you might get a referral out of it! That would get the scary first step out of the way. The scary second step is up to you.
I disagree on the bridesmaid and fiancee one. I would drop her like a hot potato. I went down this route with my first wife. Better to dump the trash now before it bites him later because her insecuirties will be dogging him the rest of thier married life. Everytime he has any contact with a woman be it business or social this jealous bitch will think he's sleeping around when in fact she is the one considering infidelity on her part with her EX who she dumped for her husband. If this woman really at the core loved him it would noptm atter that her ex boyfriend was dating a friend of hers.
Now you say something