Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
     I smoke pot. It doesn’t interfere with my work or social obligations, but my boyfriend doesn’t like it and he wants me to quit before we get married. He’s a police detective, and he says it could damage his career. I say as long as I don’t do it around him it’s okay. He doesn’t have to love it, but he should be willing to compromise. He drinks a lot of alcohol, and I don’t see much difference between his vice and mine. — Grass Harassed



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Dear Grass Harassed,
     Your alcohol argument is valid, Grass Harassed, but it doesn’t mean squat with the laws the way they are now. I’ve never had to put a wet towel under the door and light incense in order to have a beer in my apartment, or page someone called "Smokey Darryl" in order to buy white Zin. Pot’s illegal, alcohol’s not. You can’t change that, no matter how strong your political and social arguments are. Does it matter that pot’s illegal? If your boyfriend weren’t a cop, I’d say probably not. It’s a measured risk, and one quite a few folks are willing to take. He is a cop, however, and a fundamental part of his job is obeying the law. Living with, sleeping with and associating with someone who’s actively breaking it isn’t congruent with that lifestyle.
     The way I see it, you have two options. Option one is to promise that you won’t ever (and I mean ever) smoke pot in his presence, have it on your person when you’re around him or keep it in your home or vehicle. This is going to be such an annoyance that you’ll be tempted to hang up your bong altogether. Still, if you’re a committed stoner and your boyfriend’s amenable, it might be a decent workaround. Option two is to quit cold turkey. If I were you, I’d go with the latter. God knows I have nothing against the green stuff, but you guys are just starting out. You want to have every option at your disposal, whether it’s buying a home, having a child or relocating to a fab place cross-country. To do that you’ll need both careers. Putting your whole lifestyle on the line for a buzz is kind of stupid, don’t you think? There’ll be plenty of time to blaze up once he quits the force.



Dear Miss Information,
     I’m seeing somebody and we’re very happy, but lately I’ve felt this compulsion to sleep with my ex. She lives close by and we have a child together, so we talk regularly. Part of me wants to just go for it and see if she’d be willing to have one last roll in the hay. What do you think? — Ugghhh


Dear Ugghhh,
     Some fantasies are made to become reality. Others are better left as idle jerkoff material. Screw your ex all you want, but do it in your head if you want to stay happy. A fuck is never "just a fuck," especially when it’s a fuck with the mother of your child. If you get caught, it’s going to be twenty times worse than if you picked some random person off the street.
     Cheating requires motivation and opportunity. Guess which one’s easier to remove? That’s right, the opportunity. Avoid ending up in situations where you and your ex are alone. If you know that your ex hangs out with certain people or in certain places, avoid them until this feeling passes, or bring your girlfriend along. I’ve also found the "we" pronoun — as in, "We went to the movies" and, "We spent the day picking out a new wallpaper border" — to be an excellent flirtation killer. It’s easy to slip it into everyday conversation, and it reinforces your status as a couple.
     The motivation part is a bit more involved. It’s not just your dick speaking (though that is a big part of it), it’s also your brain. What’s making you feel so dissatisfied? What do you think would help you get past this? Do you feel "entitled" to cheat because of some perceived hurt by your partner? If so, tell her.
     You’re not a bad guy for having these urges, Ugghhh. Almost everyone does. It’s what you choose to do about them that matters.

Dear Miss Information,
     I’m a twenty-three-year-old lesbian going steady with my first girlfriend (she’s twenty-five). I seem to drool a lot when I perform oral sex, leaving giant wet marks on the sheets. How can I keep this from happening? — Bed Wetter

Dear Bed Wetter,
     Forgive me for asking the obvious, but how do you know the wet marks are coming from you? Maybe what you think is saliva is really your girlfriend’s vaginal fluid. Vaginas have been known to get wet during oral sex, anywhere from slightly moist to gushing. She may even be ejaculating, as some women are prone to do. It’s easy to mistake one fluid for the other when you’re in the dark.
     If you’re convinced it’s you, keep a soft towel nearby the next time you take a trip down South. Give it a fun nickname like "ye olde cuntrag" or "the Zamboni." If you want to be more covert, you could also use your partner’s panties — tease her by rubbing the silky fabric over her crotch as part of foreplay, and keep them handy to blot your mouth with later. The pussy-eating environment plays a part as well — patterned sheets and soft lighting will help disguise that big wet semi-circle on the mattress.
     I bet a lot of your embarrassment stems from being a newbie. Since your girlfriend is a little older and (I’m guessing) more experienced, why not ask her how she keeps her game so clean? Maybe she could go down on you in front of a mirror while you watch. I’m sure she’ll be all too happy to have you as her pupil.
    Above all, relax. Good sex is messy sex, and saliva is 98% water. You wouldn’t freak out if your partner spilled a little H2O on your pussy, would you? Think of saliva as one of water’s sexy relatives, not some toxic sludge.  

 


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