Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
    I stupidly cheated on my boyfriend. It was a one-time thing with a guy (I’ll call him Cheating Guy) who I don’t know very well. I did it for the sex only because my boyfriend and I hadn’t had sex in six months. It was horrible. We were both very drunk, and Cheating Guy kept going soft. He asked me if my boyfriend ever had difficulties orgasming. I answered no, which was the truth.
    I wanted to ask Cheating Guy if I turned him off for some reason, but I didn’t have the courage. The next morning we had sex again twice. He kept looking at and fiddling with something on the nightstand that kept beeping. I think he was filming me! I’m traumatized by the event. Things are better with the boyfriend now. We have sex more often, and the relationship is good. We both realized that the amount of pot and alcohol he was consuming was affecting his sexual desire.
    Cheating Guy has now met the love of his life and can’t see me anymore. I can’t help thinking that I’m unsexy and unattractive to men. I am glad this event happened because it made me realize how much I love my boyfriend and how good the sex is between us. Why can’t I just be satisfied with that and forget about this loser Cheating Guy? — Traumatized



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Dear Traumatized,
    I don’t know if you know this, but cheating sex isn’t always good. A lot of times it’s pretty crappy. You know you’re doing something wrong, and the guilt that comes with that is a boner deflator for a lot of guys. Cheating Guy asking you about your boyfriend’s orgasms (by the way, totally creepy of him) was just his way of deflecting embarrassment, and a lousy one at that. Next time you’ll answer, “No, my boyfriend doesn’t have any trouble, but maybe that’s because his dick is so incredibly large.” That should silence Cheating Guy quite nicely.
    You say you’re feeling traumatized. I would be too if someone were VIDEOTAPING ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT. What the fuck? That’s totally out of bounds, not to mention illegal in many states. I don’t mean to blame the victim here, but why didn’t you speak up? Next time, say something. Ask questions. Get a little less drunk. And find out what the hell he did with that tape. You need to destroy it.
    I’m glad the situation’s improving with your boyfriend, but I have to say, you sound like you’re still pretty hung up on Cheating Guy. What else would explain such an active interest in this guy’s love life? Who gives a rat’s ass if he’s avoiding you? If he’s avoiding you, Traumatized, that’s good. That should make it easier to patch things up with your guy. Would you rather Cheating Guy show up with the sex tape and some Jiffy Pop and then you, he and your boyfriend can all sit down and watch it? I didn’t think so. Either commit to your boyfriend or move on to a new relationship.



Dear Miss Information,
    Can a deeply conservative man date a non-virgin? I’m seeing the man of my dreams, but lately he’s backing off and I know why. I’m a woman with a past. I’m not a slut, but I’ve popped my cherry (and then some), and in his culture that’s unacceptable. Will he ever overlook it or am I naive? We’ve been together three months. — Unfairly Matched and Marriage-Minded


Dear Unfairly Matched,
    You need to get out now, before you’re further invested. Even if he eventually comes to accept you, your in-laws won’t. Unless you’re into being shunned at Thanksgiving dinner and you like sleeping on the pullout couch (sluts like you don’t deserve the guest room), you need to move on.
    The kind of guy you want to marry won’t make you feel bad about who are, whether you’re Titsy LaWhore or the Virgin Mary. In fact, many guys like Titsy LaWhore better. She’s more experimental, and knows how to show a guy a good time.
    Keep in mind that your boyfriend’s morality is his morality. It’s not yours. There’s no need to “overlook” something that happened before the two of you first locked eyes. Granted, you don’t get to pull out the old photo album and give him a chronological history of your past lovers, but he should be comfortable with the idea that your virginity is no longer intact. By the way, what about his precious hymen (guymen)? Is he a virgin? If not, tell him Miss Information said to shut the fuck up. Please. Thank you.
    Guys who want to commit will take steps to more deeply involve you in their lives. They won’t back off this early in the courtship process. If your boyfriend was acting distant because you drink too much or have a habit of flirting with your ex, I might tell you to give it time. Those are things you can change. Years of upbringing and beliefs that are a core part of his identity (and trust me, he wouldn’t be shitting on you right now if they weren’t) aren’t as open to negotiation.

Dear Miss Information,
    I am a twenty-five-year-old straight man, and to the best of my knowledge, no woman has ever found me attractive. That’s not to say I’m a virgin, or that I’ve never been in a relationship. But both of the women I’ve dated eventually admitted that they dated me for ulterior reasons that had nothing to do with physical attraction. I must have at least some modicum of social skills, as I have plenty of female friends. It’s just that I’m always the brother they never had. And surely I’m not horrendously ugly, as I’m handsome enough to receive the occasional come-on from gay men. Is it possible for a guy to be perfectly decent looking yet incapable of appealing to women on a sexual level? — America’s Least Wanted

Dear America’s Least Wanted,
    Women have found you attractive. Maybe you didn’t find them attractive or maybe you didn’t notice, but let’s get rid of that rid of that bullshit notion that that females find you asexual right now.
    I think part of the problem may have to do with the way you’re acting. Like you said, you’re the brother. The friend. I’m not going to give you some trite directive like “stop being so nice,” because that’s not quite it. “Be less accommodating” is a better way to put it. If a girl constantly cancels on you, blow her off a couple of times. Don’t always be so quick to pull out your wallet when the check comes. Call a date a date, and don’t let girls who aren’t willing to do that suck up any of your time. I know a girl who’s always going out with her male “concert buddies” while bitching about having no boyfriend. Strangely, she has “no time” for online dating. Does that sound like a rationale you’d make? If so, stop. Hanging out with girls who aren’t real prospects is a way of avoiding rejection. An unfortunate side effect is you also avoid getting laid.
    If you’re not hitting the internet personals, you should. I mean it, no excuses. With personals, there’s no question of whether or not you’re meeting as a date, and it’s more effective than trying to convert your female friends.
    You might also want to consider whether you’re going after the wrong type of women, another common malady among the male castrati. Flirts who have boyfriends, women in love with their exes and the questionably lesbian are all bad date material.  

 


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©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com