Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I stupidly cheated on my boyfriend. It was a one-time thing with a guy (I'll call him Cheating Guy) who I don't know very well. I did it for the sex only because my boyfriend and I hadn't had sex in six months. It was horrible. We were both very drunk, and Cheating Guy kept going soft. He asked me if my boyfriend ever had difficulties orgasming. I answered no, which was the truth.
I wanted to ask Cheating Guy if I turned him off for some reason, but I didn't have the courage. The next morning we had sex again twice. He kept looking at and fiddling with something on the nightstand that kept beeping. I think he was filming me! I'm traumatized by the event. Things are better with the boyfriend now. We have sex more often, and the relationship is good. We both realized that the amount of pot and alcohol he was consuming was affecting his sexual desire.
Cheating Guy has now met the love of his life and can't see me anymore. I can't help thinking that I'm unsexy and unattractive to men. I am glad this event happened because it made me realize how much I love my boyfriend and how good the sex is between us. Why can't I just be satisfied with that and forget about this loser Cheating Guy? — Traumatized |
Dear Traumatized,
I don't know if you know this, but cheating sex isn't always good. A lot of times it's pretty crappy. You know you're doing something wrong, and the guilt that comes with that is a boner deflator for a lot of guys. Cheating Guy asking you about your boyfriend's orgasms (by the way, totally creepy of him) was just his way of deflecting embarrassment, and a lousy one at that. Next time you'll answer, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any trouble, but maybe that's because his dick is so incredibly large." That should silence Cheating Guy quite nicely.
You say you're feeling traumatized. I would be too if someone were VIDEOTAPING ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT. What the fuck? That's totally out of bounds, not to mention illegal in many states. I don't mean to blame the victim here, but why didn't you speak up? Next time, say something. Ask questions. Get a little less drunk. And find out what the hell he did with that tape. You need to destroy it.
I'm glad the situation's improving with your boyfriend, but I have to say, you sound like you're still pretty hung up on Cheating Guy. What else would explain such an active interest in this guy's love life? Who gives a rat's ass if he's avoiding you? If he's avoiding you, Traumatized, that's good. That should make it easier to patch things up with your guy. Would you rather Cheating Guy show up with the sex tape and some Jiffy Pop and then you, he and your boyfriend can all sit down and watch it? I didn't think so. Either commit to your boyfriend or move on to a new relationship. |
Dear Miss Information,
Can a deeply conservative man date a non-virgin? I'm seeing the man of my dreams, but lately he's backing off and I know why. I'm a woman with a past. I'm not a slut, but I've popped my cherry (and then some), and in his culture that's unacceptable. Will he ever overlook it or am I naive? We've been together three months. — Unfairly Matched and Marriage-Minded |
Dear Unfairly Matched,
You need to get out now, before you're further invested. Even if he eventually comes to accept you, your in-laws won't. Unless you're into being shunned at Thanksgiving dinner and you like sleeping on the pullout couch (sluts like you don't deserve the guest room), you need to move on.
The kind of guy you want to marry won't make you feel bad about who are, whether you're Titsy LaWhore or the Virgin Mary. In fact, many guys like Titsy LaWhore better. She's more experimental, and knows how to show a guy a good time.
Keep in mind that your boyfriend's morality is his morality. It's not yours. There's no need to "overlook" something that happened before the two of you first locked eyes. Granted, you don't get to pull out the old photo album and give him a chronological history of your past lovers, but he should be comfortable with the idea that your virginity is no longer intact. By the way, what about his precious hymen (guymen)? Is he a virgin? If not, tell him Miss Information said to shut the fuck up. Please. Thank you.
Guys who want to commit will take steps to more deeply involve you in their lives. They won't back off this early in the courtship process. If your boyfriend was acting distant because you drink too much or have a habit of flirting with your ex, I might tell you to give it time. Those are things you can change. Years of upbringing and beliefs that are a core part of his identity (and trust me, he wouldn't be shitting on you right now if they weren't) aren't as open to negotiation.
Dear Miss Information,
I am a twenty-five-year-old straight man, and to the best of my knowledge, no woman has ever found me attractive. That's not to say I'm a virgin, or that I've never been in a relationship. But both of the women I've dated eventually admitted that they dated me for ulterior reasons that had nothing to do with physical attraction. I must have at least some modicum of social skills, as I have plenty of female friends. It's just that I'm always the brother they never had. And surely I'm not horrendously ugly, as I'm handsome enough to receive the occasional come-on from gay men. Is it possible for a guy to be perfectly decent looking yet incapable of appealing to women on a sexual level? — America's Least Wanted |
Dear America's Least Wanted,
Women have found you attractive. Maybe you didn't find them attractive or maybe you didn't notice, but let's get rid of that rid of that bullshit notion that that females find you asexual right now.
I think part of the problem may have to do with the way you're acting. Like you said, you're the brother. The friend. I'm not going to give you some trite directive like "stop being so nice," because that's not quite it. "Be less accommodating" is a better way to put it. If a girl constantly cancels on you, blow her off a couple of times. Don't always be so quick to pull out your wallet when the check comes. Call a date a date, and don't let girls who aren't willing to do that suck up any of your time. I know a girl who's always going out with her male "concert buddies" while bitching about having no boyfriend. Strangely, she has "no time" for online dating. Does that sound like a rationale you'd make? If so, stop. Hanging out with girls who aren't real prospects is a way of avoiding rejection. An unfortunate side effect is you also avoid getting laid.
If you're not hitting the internet personals, you should. I mean it, no excuses. With personals, there's no question of whether or not you're meeting as a date, and it's more effective than trying to convert your female friends.
You might also want to consider whether you're going after the wrong type of women, another common malady among the male castrati. Flirts who have boyfriends, women in love with their exes and the questionably lesbian are all bad date material. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (27 Comments)
Erin,
Great column again this week. You nailed all three. BTW, Traumatized and her "boyfriend" are some kind of losers. She cheats on him not once, but three times (twice the next morning, when she's not drunk...not like the first one didn't count, it did) and presumably he doesn't know or care. So sad. She has no integrity and he's clueless. They're made for each other.
Single for a reason
Interesting questions this week; and excellent answers.
Americas Least Wanted: dude, it's not you. It's not your looks. It's what we call "game". Being attractive to women is a function of a set of social skills - relating to women in a specific way. And these skills - like any skills - are not innate. They're skills. They can be learned. You can get better - with practice. Go read "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Check out Real Social Dynamics or Pickup101.com. The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
i usually like your advice but this time to the woman who's dating the conservative guy i'd have to disagree. she doens't really know why the guy is avoiding her. maybe he's not into her, or maybe something else. unless they had a conversation about her virginity (or lack thereof) and he said that he had a problem with her past experience, then she doesn't know why he's avoiding her and she's just projecting her speculations onto him. also, i wouldn't prejudge his family; you can't make snap judgments about conservative people, just like you can't make snap judgments about liberals. people are people, and i'm surprised that you, erin, are so quick to judge and make assumptions when all the facts are clearly not evident. the girl should talk to the guy, find out why he's backing off, and if he's not open with her about his true feelings, well, that's another story that has to do with his level of maturity, and nothing to do with his political and/or religious slants.
amercia's least wanted:
only aholes would follow neil struass's advice. Steer clear of that tip, whatever you do.
Yeah, I was disturbed by the girlfriend thinking that her cheating was just once when she fucked the guy the next day twice - those are much worse than the night before.
I hate to sound, well, like this is going to sound, but that girl should have her vagina confiscated until she gets a clue, what a dangerous situation she's placed herself in (I wonder if her porn tape is on youtube already...)
Not to say that everything's OK, but lots of things can beep on nightstands, and a video camera wouldn't have been my first guess, unless it looked like a camera. I'd say to ask next time, except hopefully there won't be a next time. The good news is that if he's in another relationship, he wouldn't be wanting a video of him having sex with someone else getting out anyway.
To Unfairly Matched and Marriage-Minded: I would go even further than the suggestions of the lovely Erin. I would say, RUN, run run out of that relationship. This comes from the daughter of a conservative, evangelical preacher, who was a virgin until she was 22...
If a man makes you feel bad or dirty for owning and expressing your self as a sexual being, he is going to make you feel ashamed about other things, as well. It's not about the number of notches on your bedpost, it's about YOU.
It's who you are, and your right to express your self. Now, if *you* don't feel like you were being true to yourself when you slept with men in the past, then deal with that - forgive yourself, make peace with it, etc. But don't second-guess your past solely on the grounds that it doesn't fit in with someone else's beliefs.
Your need for love will never be sufficiently met by someone whose beliefs entail the denial of your right to own your body and your own spiritual and physical journey.
You will save yourself so much pain if get out now.
The past sexual experiences should not be discussed with the intended spouse......Why? Because every time he gets mad at you, and he will, he will think of you and that hockey team you did it with........just make such disclosure off limits..........that takes care of what the in-laws know about you........what he does not know, they can't know.
I am a guy.....this advice works.
To the unmatched: Just forget it, you're damaged goods to most of proper society so your choice is hide your past (how old are you? How many years of hiding your past ahead of you?) or move along from the premium-mate aisle to the "used" section of the store where you belong.
In other words, find someone who you are a match for.
Sit down with him over a drink at a restaraunt and tell him "I like you, you are someone I can see myself marrying and being with for the rest of my life. I am having anxiety over what I feel is you pulling away from me. I need you to let me know what you have been thnking and want from me if anything."
Dear Unfairly,
You're the sum of your experiences and I say the more the merrier. If he can't see virtue in your lust for life then I say move on and find a man with appetites that match yours.
Ditt-fucking-O
I would agree with your comments and just add her perfect man appears to be filled with ideas and beliefs that take preference over his feelings. He also sounds intolerant and probably over time, you will find him controlling. Get out fast, and find someone fun, who you can laugh with, and be yourself with. Life is too short to spend on people with so many notions in their head that love cannot enter their heart.
I TOTALLY agree with Miss Information. I was in this EXACT situation and stayed for a year....it was like a rubber band getting stretched and stretched and it finally snapped. He was so sweet and perfect in the beginning...then it slowly started to unravel. Soon he threatened me, tortured me and abused me over my past...and somehow sickly brainwashed me into falling deeper in love with him in the process. I'm telling you....it's NOT worth it! Be proud of who you are and NEVER let someone make you feel like less of a person. We are all sexual objects with a right to feel good. And we ALL have made mistakes and have regrets in life. Don't be ashamed - find someone who loves every inch of your being, someone who loves and appreciates the fact that you have explored your sexuality...and don't fall deeper into this trap. It will be harder than you expect to leave, especially if he hasn't "technically" done anything wrong yet. Please trust me...I'm BEGGING you...get out while you still can. Stay true to yourself!
I feel that the two of them need to have an open talk.
It is not wise to make "far reaching" decisions based on assumptions. It is better to get it out in the open and talk about it in a mature way. She might be right about here cherry and then she might not.
Hi Miss Info,
If his culture won't accept it, then it comes down to what is he most loyal towards ?? You've only been there for three months, and he's held those beliefs for far longer. My experience in life has taught me that no one changes unless something really intense happens. If you leave, and he realizes from that act that he's losing something much more important than some belief then he'll choose you. If not, then you've just dropped a bunch of baggage that you don't need. I'm a guy, and a woman with a past is the same as a man with a past. There is no such thing as slut, promiscuous perhaps, but if that's what's keeping him from commiting you're better off without him. Choose someone more open-minded to reality, you'll be far happier in the long run anyway. Just my two cents though.
"I don't know if you know this, but cheating sex isn't always good. A lot of times it's pretty crappy."
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"Next time you'll answer, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any trouble, but maybe that's because his dick is so incredibly large." That should silence Cheating Guy quite nicely."
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You're usually very good at this Erin, but this week.. wow, could you have messed up more?
The quoted passages from your column show you practically CONSOLING a woman who cheated on her boyfriend! Hello? She's endangering both herself and her boyfriend. She's being dishonest and she's disrespecting someone else's heart.
Maybe a little tough love was in order, huh? I mean, you moralize quite well on the misbehavin' men, but the girls get off with a slap on the wrist? I can only guess it's your own life talking there. My suggestion: keep it out of the column and stay objective. For example, the poor girl seems to think she can solve her relationship woes with infidelity. Well, let's see here.. could that dangerous learned behaviour be a slightly BIGGER problem then if the cheatin' sex wasn't all that good.. hmm, i wonder..
It's got somewhat bigger implications for her life, wouldn't ya say there, Misinformation?
the guy was drunk and you think his boner loss reflects on you? being drunk makes it hard to get it up, keep it up, or come.
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