Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.


Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been dating this guy for more than seven months. During a recent post-coital embrace, he told me he didn’t think the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing was going to work out. I am madly in love with him and told him so. He said that although he has feelings for and doesn’t want to stop seeing me, he doesn’t feel like he’s "in love." Why? Because he lacks the desire to write lines of poetry about me. Do I continue to see this wonderful guy and hope that his feelings eventually blossom, or do I look for a man who doesn’t calibrate his love-o-meter by his desire to rhyme? — How Do I Count the Ways


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Dear How Do I Count,
How is this relationship not right for you? Let Miss Information count the ways:
– You’re with a guy who chooses "immediately after sex" as the appropriate time to declare that you’re not the woman of his dreams. Not sure what kind of dudes you’re used to dating, but from where I come from, that’s considered pretty insensitive.
– You’re madly in love. He’s not. That could change, but I doubt it. Love generally starts with an initial spark that grows stronger (or weaker) over time. If that spark’s not occurring naturally, it’s pretty hard to generate one out of thin air. It’s like going against some law of physics that Miss Information would explain if she hadn’t done so poorly on her sixth-grade science project (which involved a hamster and a baking soda volcano — don’t ask).
    Even though your guy isn’t conveying it in the clearest of terms, what he’s saying is valid: he’s doesn’t feel the same way about this as you do. You can try to rationalize it by saying he’s caught up in false ideas about romance, but that’s ignoring the writing on the wall. You deserve better than something so half-assed, so quit mooning over this shitty Shakespeare and go find it.


Dear Miss Information,
About a year and a half ago, I started hooking up casually with my best friend. I’d been trying to get in her pants for years, so I was thrilled. Surprise, surprise, emotions got involved, and now we’re dating. About eight months ago, I met another fantastic woman and started dating her concurrently. I took a break from my trademark shadiness and let everyone know about everyone else. Eventually the situation came to a head, and I broke it off with the newer girl. Now I can’t stop thinking about her. Both women are amazing and very different individuals. It’s not that I like the newer girl more, I just can’t seem to get her out of my head. How do I know if I made the wrong choice? Am I just suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome? — Lady Who’s Lost in a Bizarre Love Triangle

Dear Lost Lady,
I see a few scenarios here. You could try going back to your old arrangement: dating both ladies at the same time. But doing so will open up old issues, and the likelihood of long-term success is pretty low. If it didn’t work before, why would it work now? Still, it’s an option. You could also break up with your girlfriend and give the new girl a try, provided (of course) she takes you back. Whatever’s lacking in your current relationship could be fulfilled, and you two could ride off into the girl-girl sunset. Then again, the idea of dating her could be way better than the reality, and you won’t find out ’til it’s too late.
    Finally, you can stay in your current relationship and see if this feeling passes. How long you want to wait depends on how conflicted you’re feeling. If it’s dominating your every waking thought, it’s probably time to let your partner know what’s going on or end things altogether. Your gut will tell you what to do. Trust it.


Hello Miss Information,
I’m thirty-five, single and never married. I’m athletic, have a good career and hold many interests, including going to comedy clubs, movies, concerts, sporting events, etc. I have no problem making friends, yet I remain single. It seems as though women are not interested in me romantically. Why? Maybe because I’m five-foot-four and 120 lbs.
    How can I can get women not to focus on my size? I’ve tried dating services, singles events, personal ads, all the dating websites, plus just being out in the world and doing things. Nothing seems to work. The only ones who show an interest are older women and those who are divorced with kids! Help. — Can’t See the Real Me


Dear Can’t See,
Until men other than Prince can get away with wearing high heels in a public setting, this will continue to be a problem. Chalk it up to our looks-obsessed society, which rewards people who are essentially genetic mutations with high-paying careers in modeling and pro basketball.
    That doesn’t mean you can’t overcome it. On paper, you sound like quite a catch. Assuming your manners and personality are equally fetching, it’s probably just a matter of time before you find that certain lady who doesn’t think your height is a big deal.
    But you’re not doing yourself any favors by automatically ruling out groups of women that make up a big part of your dating demographic. While there’s nothing wrong with having certain essentials, doing so dramatically limits your dating options and ups the time spent masturbating. I’m not suggesting you lower your standards, just that you do a little self-audit to make sure you’re being realistic. This is something all skilled daters do, and the advice of a good friend can help you determine if you’re wasting your time chasing leggy twenty year olds while ignoring the fortysomething who wants you.
    Keep in mind that finding someone worthwhile is always going to be hard, whether you look like Brad Pitt or Janet Reno. Miss Info wishes you and all the other foxy short men out there (Al Pacino! Seth Green! Elijah Wood!) the best.  


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©2005 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com