Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I am engaged to be married next year. I'm a very loving and considerate guy who has never cheated on any of his girlfriends. I would hate to hurt my fiancée. She is my best friend and a terrific match. However, even before being engaged, I've always checked out chicks, harmlessly flirted with girls at work and I have constant triple-X scenarios running in my head. Does that mean I should have sowed my wild oats growing up? I pretty much know the answer but I need validation. I'm already invested in a great relationship with a great girl. I don't intend to walk away because of some foolish idea that I could make these thoughts go away by bedding someone. — Internal Shrink |
Dear Internal Shrink,
You're asking if it's okay to be sexually aroused by women other than your girlfriend? Yes. Let me rephrase that — fuck yes. Consider this your all-access pass.
Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you confine your fantasies to your significant other. Sure he/she may make a cameo appearance alongside the helicopter pilot and tattooed red-headed twins, but you don't have to be all "Ooooh baby, fuck me like you fucked me last week! Yeah, that's right. Do exactly what I expect!" As sex columnist, I've seen a lot of out-there stuff in my day, but that's just sick.
The urge to cheat is a feeling and there's no way to inoculate against it. The oats-sowing argument is, and always will be, bullshit. There's no magic number of partners or specific set of experiences that will, once completed, guarantee you won't stray in the future or prevent you from feeling like you've missed out. Even if you made a list and checked off every last one, your sexuality will continue to grow and change. What turns you on now won't be the same as what turns you on in twenty years. Thank God, or some of us would still be masturbating to Fonzie.
I would look seriously at how excited you are about marrying this woman (are there happy pink butterflies or cold knots of dread?) and not let guilt over something like this hamper your judgment. You sound like one of Miss Information's most favorite creatures — a neurotic erotic, a sensitive perv. |
Dear Miss Information,
I had sex with my best friend's little sister. It happened at his wedding. I live out of town; it was no-strings-attached only. I just got out of a relationship, and I don't want to do the long-distance thing. I made that very clear. Little sister and I have screwed a couple times since then when I've been in town on business. She keeps treating me like a boyfriend. It has to end. My best friend would kick my ass if he knew. If I hurt her I'm afraid she'll tell. She's made hints. What do I do? I'm fucked. — Idiot in the OC |
Dear Idiot in the OC,
Step one: Stop sleeping with her. Step two: Go to your buddy and confess. Ask for his input on how to deliver the pink slip in the nicest way possible. Soliciting his opinion puts him back in the role of protective big brother and will help him feel like he's in control of the situation. Of course, we all know that Little Sis is a sentient human being in full control of her vaginal destiny, but you did cross a boundary. This is recognizing that fact. I don't know if it'll keep you from getting clocked, but if you act sufficiently humble you should have a shot at putting the relationship back together.
Now, go have the breakup talk with Little Sis. Do it as soon as possible after talking to your best friend. Hours, not days. Minutes, not hours. She may tell you that she's okay with a long distance/no-strings arrangement, so anticipate those statements, and think about how you're going to hold steady with the bottom line. You are going to hold steady, Idiot in the OC, aren't you? If you go through with this, you have to mean it. Otherwise, you're better off taking your chances and sneaking around. Any relapse is going to be that much worse now that you know the error of your sister-fucking ways.
Dear Miss Information,
I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now, and while we have a great connection outside the bedroom, our sack sessions aren't quite up to par. We've tried several times to have sex, but the only way I can seem to finish him off is via handjob or orally. He's had surgeries on his lower back, shoulder and knee, and claims this is why he can't finish the act. We fool around in other ways, but I miss sex. I care about him, so I'm trying to be sympathetic, but I have needs, too, and a vibrator can only do so much. Any ideas? — Unsatisfied |
Dear Unsatisfied,
Let's not overlook two important facts. One, he can get hard. Two, he can get off. That's some pretty decent raw material. A lot of able-bodied couples can't even manage that. Of course it's not just his orgasm, it's also yours. You don't say whether you're able to climax, but I'm going to guess no, just based on your strained relationship with your vibrator.
If it's been a while since his last check-up, you might want to start with that. Get the low-down on all his various medical conditions — their triggers, their symptoms, their long and ridiculous Latin names. Now go online and read everything you can. Yes, it's boring, but once you remove the mystery the awkwardness soon follows.
There's a cool site called Sexualhealth.com that has lots of non-cheesy suggestions for positions and tips. It's much more sensual than clinical — think massages, pillows and warm showers. Blogs and bulletin boards are cool because they're full of real-life experiences. Just be careful what you're reading are stories from real couples, not ads from the big pharmaceuticals disguised as content.
Don't feel bad that you're not this slutty know-it-all Mother Teresa. Few people have experience with this type of sex. The media is full of perfect shiny people having perfect shiny plastic sex, not couples coping with physical limitations. But that's beginning to change. Two cool stories I read recently, one on wheelchair-bound porn actress Erica Conde and the other spotlighting The Crippendales, a disabled male dance troupe. Inspired yet? Good.
Readers, do you guys have any experience in this area? Success stories? Disasters? Share them with Unsatisfied in the Feedback section. n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (15 Comments)
For the guy who slept with his friend's sister-- he should ask his friend for advice on how to dump a clingy woman who is threatening to tell on him. Only after he gets this objective opinion, should tell him it's his sister and get his friend to adjust the advice to apply it to the actual situation. I'm pretty sure the friend will say, "just dump her" until he realizes the woman is his own sister.
sc: that is... eh... how you say? stupid.
Hi - you did it again. congrats on your sensible, sensitive, wise ands often very funny answers to problems. sorry i dont have any big problems for you, but i'm working on it :) - erin for president. roger
some of us..... you mean all of us
The only time you ever want to tell a guy you've slept with his sister is when you are ready to marry his sister.
Yes, this dude should break it off with her, but he should never, ever tell him about it. Ever.
If she goes nuts and goes crying to her brother, fine. That's the price you pay for banging the dude's sister. Still, if he then wants to have "a talk" with you about it, refuse.
Anything he says or does will only make him angrier at you.
I hope you do not mind me sendding you this message.
I saw your post on another my space site about you seeing you have read an article about the Crippendales.
I would just like to say that I am one of the members of the Crippendales I am a lad in the wheelchair.
I hope you liked the article about our new film.
My motto in life is, life is still living and not existing
And barriers and there just to be broken.
Thanks again Lee.
The bottom line with sleeping with the guy's sister is knowing the relationship between the siblings. If you were sleeping with my sister, I doubt I would care. She's a big girl and can do what she wants. Only if the big brother is very protective or has mentioned that the guy in question better not even look at her will it be a problem. If he is the protective type, the other guy is screwed, but he should fess up. It's what's expected as a guy. -- Not Mr. Right
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Internet is written with the capital letter in a sentence, by the way. And hundredths are written not with a point but with a comma. This is according to the standard. And actually everything is very good!!!
Now you say something