Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
     Can you take a survey and tell me why men enjoy slipping their fingers in a woman’s ass when she comes? Is this common? Are my male friends correct in reporting that this is a "power move", sure to be crassly recounted by a guy to his buddies? I had a guy do it to me. We never discussed it and now he’s gone. It would make me especially gleeful if you say it’s because he’s secretly gay. — Victim of Poor Manners



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Dear Victim of Poor Manners,
     Is the butt the orifice du jour for horny heterosexual men? "Yes," according to my informal poll. "I have indeed noticed a preponderance of digits ’round the back door," said one respondent. "The butt may be the new vagina," said another. But not all guys are into it. "Butt fingers are gross. I don’t want to feel like I have to wash my hands in the middle of having a good time." Memo to gang at K-Y: Work out some sort of cross-promotional deal with Purell.
     If I had to speculate as to what all this butt stuff is about, I’d say it’s relaxed social and sexual mores. Back in your parents’ day, oral sex was the domain of the degenerate. Now blowjobs are considered mainstream, and so-called perversions have cropped up. Who knows what’ll be considered "out there" in a few hundred years. My guess is we’ll do a vanilla reset and revert back to holding hands, the missionary position and one-on-one sex. Sounds pretty dirty, right? Uh huh.
     There’s also the media influence, something guys are especially prone to when they’re worried about pleasing a girl. "I read every single men’s magazine article about eating pussy," said one butt-poll respondant trying to get back in carpet-munching shape after a long drought. "They all universally suggest the finger-in-the-butt thing when the girl is close to orgasm." Sounds peachy, but you can’t take what you read at face value. I know a lot of girls (myself included) for whom that’d be a guaranteed O-killer. We want consistent pressure and a steady pace, screw surprises.
     The bragging about it afterward: I don’t know of many guys who engage in this practice. The males I polled concurred: "I think it’s mostly just the type of college fuckheads who enjoy Dane Cook, sports-related rioting and Rohypnol," said one. Do you happen to be in college, Victim of Poor Manners? If so, don’t worry. Like an all-cereal diet and stealing traffic cones, this practice will eventually be seen as less acceptable by your peers.
     Finally, are guys who enjoy butt play secretly gay? No. Guys who enjoy butt play with other guys are gay, and even then it’s open to discussion. I would be a little suspicious if he asks you to marry him afterward. If the number of news stories are any indication, that’s like the most homosexual thing you can do.



Dear Miss Information,
     My boyfriend and I are sure we don’t want to be monogamous for the rest of our lives. What we argue about is the arrangement, complicated by the fact that we can both be jealous. I think I should be able to hook up with other women, since they offer something he can’t provide. He says that if I can have sex with other women, he should be able to as well. I said fine, but I get to hook up with men. He said no. What’s fair? — Stilted Swinger


Dear Stilted Swinger,
     Maybe fair isn’t what you’re after. Maybe you should focus on what feels good for both of you and get away from this tit-for-tat stuff. You’re more into girls than he’s into boys, and it’d be weird to fake a homosexual attraction if none were there. You get what I’m saying, Stilted Swinger? "Fairness" isn’t sufficient material for a boner.
     If you’re cool with fucking women but not men and having him fuck women, I’d go with that. It seems like the easiest solution. Don’t worry what your sister’s gonna say or what the polys down the street are doing. They don’t have to live your life.
     Open relationships are a lot like big movie deals. There’s a lot of egos, negotiating and arguing over the specifics, especially at the start. Finding the right players is hard, and just like in Hollywood, it can all fall through at the last minute. Keep the discussion going and eventually you’ll arrive at some sort of agreement. I recently read the autobiography of a porn star who would do just about any sexual act but kept her butthole for her husband only (of course, they’ve since divorced). That definition of "fidelity" might be strange to some, but it was functional while it lasted.

Dear Miss Information,

I’m in a bind.
There’s a brown-skinned man,
who’s been on my mind.
I met him back when
I was in my teens,
and since then have been,
obsessed with green jeans.
Il parle Français,
et j’aime son chapeaux,
but which way doth the tassle lay?
How do I know?
Please help me, dear Miss,
learn the lay of his hat.
(You wanted some Blake, so…
how was that?)
JC the Gay Poet


Dear JC the Gay Poet,
     Just so there’s no confusion, JC the Gay Poet isn’t referencing the English bard in that last stanza. The "Blake" in question is a boy from Texas, who some weeks ago sent me my very first piece of fan art, a lovely little drawing viewable here on my MySpace profile. I invited readers to strut their stuff, and it looks like old JC took my self-aggrandizing request for external validation one step further by morphing it into verse. Thanks, JC. I’ll remember you in my will.
     How to tell if someone’s gay? That’s a tough one. ABC 20/20 did a piece on gaydar a while back that pissed off a whole bunch of people when it insinuated you could judge if a man’s gay by the way he uses his hands (straights move the whole arm, gays just below the elbows) and his posture while sitting down (homos sit up nice and tall, heteros tend to slouch). I’m sure you know that those methods are fraught with error (ABC? 20/20? Come on) and the only foolproof way to tell if your guy likes guys is to A. Hit on him, B. Ask him out.
     I bet you’re looking for something more subtle. Stereotypes or no, I do think here are ways to improve your average while guessing. I’ve always believed experience to be one of the best teachers and, having never been in this situation myself, I’d like to invite my gay and bisexual readers to leave some tips for JC in the Feedback section. Help a lonely gay poet find the love he so richly deserves.
 

 


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