Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
Can you take a survey and tell me why men enjoy slipping their fingers in a woman's ass when she comes? Is this common? Are my male friends correct in reporting that this is a "power move", sure to be crassly recounted by a guy to his buddies? I had a guy do it to me. We never discussed it and now he's gone. It would make me especially gleeful if you say it's because he's secretly gay. — Victim of Poor Manners |
Dear Victim of Poor Manners,
Is the butt the orifice du jour for horny heterosexual men? "Yes," according to my informal poll. "I have indeed noticed a preponderance of digits 'round the back door," said one respondent. "The butt may be the new vagina," said another. But not all guys are into it. "Butt fingers are gross. I don't want to feel like I have to wash my hands in the middle of having a good time." Memo to gang at K-Y: Work out some sort of cross-promotional deal with Purell.
If I had to speculate as to what all this butt stuff is about, I'd say it's relaxed social and sexual mores. Back in your parents' day, oral sex was the domain of the degenerate. Now blowjobs are considered mainstream, and so-called perversions have cropped up. Who knows what'll be considered "out there" in a few hundred years. My guess is we'll do a vanilla reset and revert back to holding hands, the missionary position and one-on-one sex. Sounds pretty dirty, right? Uh huh.
There's also the media influence, something guys are especially prone to when they're worried about pleasing a girl. "I read every single men's magazine article about eating pussy," said one butt-poll respondant trying to get back in carpet-munching shape after a long drought. "They all universally suggest the finger-in-the-butt thing when the girl is close to orgasm." Sounds peachy, but you can't take what you read at face value. I know a lot of girls (myself included) for whom that'd be a guaranteed O-killer. We want consistent pressure and a steady pace, screw surprises.
The bragging about it afterward: I don't know of many guys who engage in this practice. The males I polled concurred: "I think it's mostly just the type of college fuckheads who enjoy Dane Cook, sports-related rioting and Rohypnol," said one. Do you happen to be in college, Victim of Poor Manners? If so, don't worry. Like an all-cereal diet and stealing traffic cones, this practice will eventually be seen as less acceptable by your peers.
Finally, are guys who enjoy butt play secretly gay? No. Guys who enjoy butt play with other guys are gay, and even then it's open to discussion. I would be a little suspicious if he asks you to marry him afterward. If the number of news stories are any indication, that's like the most homosexual thing you can do. |
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I are sure we don't want to be monogamous for the rest of our lives. What we argue about is the arrangement, complicated by the fact that we can both be jealous. I think I should be able to hook up with other women, since they offer something he can't provide. He says that if I can have sex with other women, he should be able to as well. I said fine, but I get to hook up with men. He said no. What's fair? — Stilted Swinger |
Dear Stilted Swinger,
Maybe fair isn't what you're after. Maybe you should focus on what feels good for both of you and get away from this tit-for-tat stuff. You're more into girls than he's into boys, and it'd be weird to fake a homosexual attraction if none were there. You get what I'm saying, Stilted Swinger? "Fairness" isn't sufficient material for a boner.
If you're cool with fucking women but not men and having him fuck women, I'd go with that. It seems like the easiest solution. Don't worry what your sister's gonna say or what the polys down the street are doing. They don't have to live your life.
Open relationships are a lot like big movie deals. There's a lot of egos, negotiating and arguing over the specifics, especially at the start. Finding the right players is hard, and just like in Hollywood, it can all fall through at the last minute. Keep the discussion going and eventually you'll arrive at some sort of agreement. I recently read the autobiography of a porn star who would do just about any sexual act but kept her butthole for her husband only (of course, they've since divorced). That definition of "fidelity" might be strange to some, but it was functional while it lasted.
I'm in a bind.
There's a brown-skinned man,
who's been on my mind.
I met him back when
I was in my teens,
and since then have been,
obsessed with green jeans.
Il parle Français,
et j'aime son chapeaux,
but which way doth the tassle lay?
How do I know?
Please help me, dear Miss,
learn the lay of his hat.
(You wanted some Blake, so...
how was that?)
— JC the Gay Poet |
Commentarium (34 Comments)
On the finger in the butt problem, I'm thinking it's two things: They see it in porn a lot (so my boyfriend tells me) and emulate that (see for reference: ejaculating on a girls face), but also, I am told a lot of boys rather enjoy their finger up their own butt while masturbating and guess they should spread the joy, now that it's more ok to finger a butt than I guess it used to be.
I concur with nf. This guy likes a (lubricated !) finger or two in him; it can be a shortcut to orgasm when the woman doesn't get it exactly right. Maybe they're trying to speed things along for the girl. Or maybe they're trying to imply they'd like the same things themselves without saying the words (why is it more embarassing to say things than it is to do them?). Or maybe they have watched too much porn, where as Erin says, the ridiculous is normal.
But I don't think anyone should every enter any door without knocking or ringing the doorbell. That's just bad manners. And especially without slippery stuff at hand (or finger), and a towel or two nearby...
And maybe he could have saved that special treat for the, um, second date ?
Um... simple (?) solution for Stilted Swinger: MFF threesomes. That way, having sex with other people is something he and his gf can share together. Win-Win!
In regards to "Victim of Poor Manners," I've known plenty of women who prefer me to put a few fingers... "up there" ... before or during orgasm. Let's face it - it's a sensitive area, and although it's frought with it's own issues, it can definitely enhance the experience. I think the problem is that these guys aren't asking you first, or communicating about it beforehand. Because for every girl I've met who likes it, there are at least one or two who plaster a "Do Not Enter" sign. But it's entirely possible these guys are using past experience to think you might like it too.
Anyone who thinks a guy putting a finger in a girl's ass is secretly gay should wait 'till she's at least a high school junior before having sex. I mean, nobody over that age thinks that way, right? Right?
Some girls like it, some don't. SOme only like it some of the time. It's hardly a power play - making a woman come is a powerful feeling, but many roads up that mountain, and they seem different on each girl. And you can definately tell when a woman comes if you do have a digit up her back door, the pulsing is very pronounced,
Previous writers are correct that the finger should be lubed beforehand, and the anus massaged without penetration. If she's not into it, she'll shift away from your hand, and no damage done.
Damn, Erin's not into it? When she wrote, a few weeks back, how she needed stimulation at three points to come, I was SO SURE, that was one of them, and my eyes rolled so far back in my head I think I saw my hair. Ah, well (throws fantasy backwards over shoulder, followed by sound of glass breaking).
I love the column, but I disagree with you about Stilted Swinger. You advised her to go with the one-sex-only open relationship if she is comfortable with it, but a few important questions should be raised. *Why* does her boyfriend want this limit? Why does the boyfriend insist on her seeing only women as opposed to both partners being allowed to see other *people*? One thing Stilted Swinger doesn't tell us is if her boyfriend would accept her seeing other men, but not women--my guess is he'd swallow hard before trying to get himself to say yes. The open relationship thing probably requires a lot of trust, and he sounds just a teensy bit controlling if only because he hasn't been characterized as having a good reason for a one-sex-only policy.
RE: Stilted Swinger
I think the answer to your dilemma lies in your nom de plume. I have never witnessed a couple who had a sucessful "open" relationship. I have however, met many couples who have had wonderful relationships as "swingers" (myself included) - people who have sex, as a couple, with other couples and singles. If its a variety of sexual experience that you desire, playing with other couples can fufill that, while doing in the context of your loving relationship, not outside of it. Looking for satisfaction outside of your relationship will often (surprise!) bring satisfaction outside of your relationship, which can easily lead to the end of said relationship. If you and your boyfriend choose to share a variety of sexual encounters, you pretty much get to have your cake and eat it too. You can play with girls, he can play with girls, you can play with guys, he can play with guys (should he choose). My $.02.
GWG, below, gives a great answer.
It's interesting that most of the comment regarding "Poor Manners" indicate that this is an abnormal or non-mainstream practice, and/or that it stems from watching porn. Admittedly, although I don't waste my time with porn, I do know that anal is big in porn -- yes, Erin, the ass is the new vagina -- and ass-to-mouth is also big. But anal penetration of any kind -- fingers, tongue, penis, seems to be very mainstream in everyday life as well. I have yet to meet a woman that wasn't fascinated with anal sex, although she may have been initially scared or have some anxiety because of a bad experience (clueless former male lover). Most of the women I meet want anal sex in many forms (indicated above), and some are even very experienced. Understandably some people are behind the "power curve" sexually, but I haven't read anything here that seems wild or crazy. Some folks are just more adventurous and some less, but considering the mainstreaming of bdsm, I don't think a couple of fingers in the butt is anything write home about.
Not Mr. Right
Had my wife force her ass onto my finger while I was rubbing her perineum one time reverse cowgirl. She reported/screamed of particularly intense orgasms. Must vary from lady to lady.
I'm a man: no direct pleasure from putting a finger in a woman's anus, but I have found some women find it very stimulating when near climax themselves. (Just irritating, otherwise.) Similarly, no pleasure from a finger on her vulvs if she's not interested, but if I feel her juices respond, whooom, I could do it forever. Whatever increases her arousal raises mine, so if she likes it I love doing it. If not, I don't. It's all about her.
mmm.... a digit or two in the butt... .heaven.... sit/lay back and enjoy the new experience... more than likely, due to the exquisite nerve endings and muscles in that little pucker, the enjoyment will be be something you want to revisit
Take it bitch. My girl friend loved anal digitalization the 1st time and every time. She begs for it. The best orgasm she has ever had.
Dear Miss:I have Studied Tantric Sex and Massage.I am always looking for a new way to enhance my lovers sexual experience.Many woman love having an anal entry right before or during orgasm.It does enhance the experience if your partner knows what he's doing and most important you enjoy the feeling.It is actually more stimulating for a woman to do this to a man during orgasm but most men don't like it.So either have diologue with your lover or turn the tables and see if he enjoys the surprise.If anyone that you are with needs a Power Play as you're cumming he needs to shown the door.Your having an orgasm is a big enough award for a mans ego.
just to add my voice to the chorus, when i would go down on my ex-wife, she used to ask me to put my finger in her ass to help her orgasm when she was close. definitely not a male-domination move in all cases.
It is thrilling to have a finger in one ' s lover ' s Anus
when She has an orgasm . One gets to feel the intensity
of the contractions on one ' s finger . ( One of my Lovers
made my finger sore from Her pulsations ! ) So much the
better when She is on top during ' Soixante - Neuf ' !
Hmmmm...
...seems to me a few years ago Playboy's Advisor to men (of course :) told the listening throng that a good way to make a woman's climax more intense is to put some digital pressure (they didn't say go in and take a tour!) on the back-doorway.
I've tried the technique and found that it seemed to be more of a distraction to the other party than anything.
Its erotic in the dark of the momment to touch the most personal places on a woman or man..some times you just want to know every part of your man or to be touched explored by him or her...then... you put your clothes back on and you go out to eat, as if nothing ever happened..that's sexy...
Very simple. When a woman cums, her anus contracts tightly and releases with each wave of her orgasm. I like to let her "push" my finger out with each contraction and then push it back in each release. It turns me on for sure as I can "feel" her cum and it at least gives me the notion that it makes her cum feel better. Any ladies wanna try it with me?
A couple of guys read some bad sex advice in some magazine article... we keep hearing how you can feel more pleasure out of it. And when we finger you we can feel our finger on the othr side which is cool. I think its time we put an end to sodomy and spoke out. Better yet tell him if he wants your ass he has to put out for a big wedding with all the works...
I've never met a woman who didn't like some anal play, and over a long life I've slept with about 45 of them, which is a reasonably good statistical sample. Some of them had virtually never climaxed until I introduced them to this particular form of fore play. Such play also adds to the variety of sexual pleasures one can experience and can significantly enhance it. It depends a lot on how it is done and when and I certainly enjoy it, but then I'm one of those males who is more interested in the pleasure of my partner than in my own. The fact is, many of the same types of nerves that provide pleasure around the sexual organs are also found in adjacent areas. Of course, there are many things that are more fun in the middle of a highly aroused state than seem that attractive in the abstract. Still, whatever both partners enjoy during sex, especially as long as it isn't harmful to either one, seems to me to be fine.
I think I heard somewhere that having a little something in there makes the girl's climax more intense. So we're doing it all for you!
Guys - heterosexual guys - like to penetrate. We like to pierce. We like to conquer. We like to impale. We like to possess. Working a pinky into the culo is just another way to take our girls, truly, madly, and deeply. I usually try it. And I am usually rebuffed. But what the heck? Why not? It seems to me like a relatively low impact way to get a little kinky.
Dear Victim,
I enjoy anal play with a woman but I think that it is very fucking rude for ANY person to put something somewhere when it was not invited let alone asked for. I have always just gently "tested the waters". Whenever I am with someone and all the caressing and foreplay is happenning a guy should just stroke that area lightly. It has been my experience that if a woman wants attention there, it is no different than playing with her vagina,if she wants it, she will lean into it.Some women like to be massaged there,some women like steady pressure applied,some women yell "take me beasty boy". Same rule goes for the tongue.Some like a tickle,some like a plunging,wet probe. It also depends on the person you are with. Cleanliness is also a HUGE factor but only secont to TRUST. I like women to play with my ass, I do NOT,however, like big,long curved saber looking fingernails with fake diamond inlays poking around or IN my anus. Anyone who gives advice as a general rule, that ALL women love to have a finger up their ass when they cum is a fucking idiot. I think that everyone can be a bit of a freak and everyone has some kind of "kink" be it hardcore or mild, but NOBODY wants something unpleasant that they DIDN'T ask for.
dirtwood
for dear JC,
yup, the only way to find out is to find out.
I write this as a not especially straight woman in love with a not that gay man (sigh). Transgression's all about crossing lines, right?
Men are easy, though, at least straight guys are. Have one of JC's female pals (preferably one with a wedding ring) ask the object of desire if he's seeing any ladies at the moment. If she asks right, he will say a) yes, b) blush, or c) admit he's not into ladies. The blush means he likes the lady friend.
guys are just sticking their fingers where they wish their gfs would on them. seriously!
Since the nerves of the spinal cord end there, it makes for a very direct connection to her pleasure electromagnetically.
It's not when she cums, it's just before she cums. I feel it provides a little extra turbo charge and often is the key to pushing a girl over the edge into the land of blissfully powerful orgasms. But there are always differences in opinion and seems that you and a lot of other girls prefer it the good old fashioned way. These days I've decided to go vanilla anyways.......
p.s.
It is perfect if your licking spot and you can't quite push a girl over the edge, the pinky can often work a miracle.
Holy fuck, Miss I, I must've missed something. I dig licking cock almost as much as I dig licking cunt, but, when I sit, I slouch so badly my shoulders are mostly on the seatcushion.
Fuck 20/20. I wear glasses.
sticking a finger or a thumb for that matter up a womans butt while she is nearing orgasm will increase the sensation. of course "mister up-yours" should have asked first, before fingering your rear-end. and what about lube? don't do it without it. if so: tell him
Every inch of a womens body is erotic and with communication and recognition of this joyous fact a women can prepare this area so it doesn't have to be a problem. Most of the time their ass doesn't have any "matter" in it anyway. It's just a holding area just before defication.
Clean it up with a quick douch and begin to enjoy more of the pleasure. The same goes for the guys. A finger in the clean ass pressing on the prostate can do marvalous things for him also
Heyy, the backdoor is a total fixation for us guys, because somehow somewhere someone told us that the pleasure endings can really be stimulated down there.
Enjoy it and d'ont worry about the washing
Well, it's not as certain as having someone ask, but I've gotten some fairly good mileage out of looking at the lips. Let us simply say that there are certain exercises that heterosexual men tend not to perform, and the increased muscular development shows.
if a guy does something to your ass that you didn't consent to, it's a dick move (perhaps an assault), not a power play. all this asshole did is demonstrate that he doesn't care about your comfort, or is a poor communicator even if he means well (which is doubtful--if he's brave enough to do that he's brave enough to ask nicely)
it's not fair if the guys wants to be able to fuck opposite-sex partners but won't let you fuck opposite-sex partners. but it's also not fair for you to get to fuck women if he doesn't get to fuck a gender that he wants to fuck. if you want extra-curricular activity and you want to be fair, he gets it too. Otherwise you have to ask him for a situation which is not technically fair, but might still work out. My wife and I once had an arrangement where she got to mess around with girls but I didn't. It didn't bother me (partly because I'm not an asshole who insists that everything be "fair" whether it makes her comfortable or not) and it was totally hot when I got to hear about her doing a girl.
Now you say something