Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I recently met an amazing woman who is sweet, sexy and uses big words in ways that make me dreamy. Though we've only been dating for a few weeks, I've totally fallen for her. But I'm perplexed by her occasional enjoyment of cocaine and frequent enjoyment of alcohol. She admits to being a lush, which I can handle. To me, the coke use signals more serious issues. "I only use it like once a month, when I'm partying," she told me. I've ingested both substances at times, but I'm now twenty-two years old and more focused on love, career and relationships. Should I let her know now, before I fall in love, that I can't commit to any serious relationship with a coke user? Or should I be more open to partying? — Not Quite Straight-Edged |
Dear Not Quite Straight-Edged,
Your girl's into vocabulary, so I'm going to give her a new one: cocaethylene. It's the chemical substance formed in the liver when cocaine and alcohol are taken together, and it's one of the most common causes of drug-related deaths. While we're on the Scrabble tip, let's talk about your choice of the word "perplexed." I don't think you're perplexed, NQSE. "Worried" or "pissed off" is more like it, and you have a right to be either. Having done coke in the past doesn't void your desire to be with a girl who's free of the stuff in the future. I owned a pair of parachute pants in the '80s; does that mean I have to date a guy who wears trucker hats now? (Johnny Knoxville, you're the exception. I love you. Call me.)
Tell her what you want, one way or the other. Suggestive selling isn't going to cut it. Either you're okay with her doing blow once in a great while, or you ask her not to do it at all. The worst thing you can do is say you're cool with it, then go ballistic every time she snorts.
You sound like a guy who's making good choices and has his shit together. Barring the coke stuff, does your girlfriend have these qualities as well? Or is she still stuck in party-girl mode? It can be very tempting to play rescuer, especially in the early stages of a relationship. It accelerates the bonding process and makes mundane situations even more thrilling and romantic. The only problem is that it's an uneven, shaky dynamic that gets old fast. Good luck. |
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend of five years and I broke up for a year and recently got back together. When we were first together we were in high school; now we're graduating college. Our pre-breakup sex was frankly not that great. Neither of us had a lot of experience. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about the year we were broken up. But he's obviously had sex with other people, because he's become good at certain things, and I can't enjoy it because I always think about how much practice he's had. Will this ultimately interfere with our relationship? I was also with other guys — how can I introduce new things to him without him thinking the same thing about me? — Bored With Missionary |
Dear Bored with Missionary,
People get their sex tips from all kinds of sources. Your boyfriend's new-and-improved oral-sex technique is probably the result of watching porn, not hours between the thighs of some impossibly beautiful Mensa-IQ blonde.
Sex is an organic event. It happens differently each time. I guarantee your boyfriend isn't thinking, "I wonder who taught her to how to fondle my balls?" He's just enjoying the fact that his nuts are getting some attention. Introduce whatever kind of nastiness you want, the only exception being sex toys. Those you want to buy fresh for each partner.
How to you keep yourself from thinking those jealous thoughts? You could do what I do — practice immature avoidance. Every time I think about a significant other and his ex in bed, I imagine her as a frigid bitch who shunned all sexual contact. Sometimes I add a debilitating lisp and a ceramic-clown collection. The point: think about all the ways you're cool and these girls are not. It takes practice, but you'll get good at talking yourself down from the ledge.
That's assuming you want to continue the "don't ask, don't tell" agreement. You could also choose to talk about what went on while the two of you were apart. Removing the fear of the unknown works for a lot of people, provided you're both on board. You may find out the truth is not half as fascinating as you thought (maybe one of these girls really did have a ceramic clown collection). Of course, it could also backfire and make your inhibitions worse than they already are. Only you know what it's like for you and your boy, so trust your gut on this one.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a successful twenty-something female ubergeek. I've been told that I'm attractive. I've had a few serious boyfriends and dated some guys short-term. But for the last year and a half, I haven't found one guy I liked or would consider taking home. Part of the problem is that I've never developed affection for people easily. I've done plenty of therapy, but that doesn't make the guys I meet any more appealing. Whenever I try to go out and meet new, non-ubergeeky people, I find them dull, and we don't have anything in common. I'm not foolish enough to tell them about my twelfth-level paladin on the first date, but when they find out about my supergeeky hobbies (dude, I actually own rubber elf ears), they think I'm really weird.
I'm not holding out for some sex-bomb doctor, lawyer or bazillionaire software mogul. I'd just like to meet — and actually be attracted to — a nice geeky boy who's got his act together, thinks I'm special and will kill some orcs with me on the weekend. I'm really lonely. How do I turn the "crush switch" back on? — Lvl 27 SWF, LFG |
Dear Lvl 27 SWF, LFG,
I wish I had some sort of magic sword or shield to protect you from the ups and downs of dating, an enchanted spell written in unicorn blood. Sadly, I don't. I can only give you a name for what you're experiencing: Chronic Dating Frustration, or CDF. It's incredibly common, and there is no cure. It's kind of like when you go to the doctor and she says "Suck it up, sissy. You've got a cold."
CDF sufferers are that smart, self-aware lot who do everything they're supposed to be doing (proactively make an effort to meet people, maintain realistic dating criteria, conduct themselves with social grace) but still haven't been able to make it pay off according to whatever "standard" they've set, usually a long-term commitment like marriage. It looks to me like you're only doing one thing wrong: you're not dating. Do you have to go on dates? No. But you're the one who's bitching about being lonely, not me. A year and a half is a long time to go without good dates.
Start small. Make a goal to go on a set number of dates per week or per month. No long, protracted email conversations. I know you nerds would stay up until 4 a.m. instant messaging if I let you. Just find a guy who seems sort of okay and ask him out. Geek, ubergeek, non-geek, menthol or unleaded. Who cares? It may require a few dates with undesirables to rid yourself of your inertia. Look on the bright side: at least you can blog about it. I know you've got one of those (or six).
P.S. What's an orc? Can anyone tell me? n°
©2006 Erin Bradley and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (28 Comments)
they were something evil in the lord of the rings. that's about my knowledge.
Erin,
I enjoyed the column, as always. Though I don't relate well to some of the typical scenarios people write in about (drug users, staying with partners who cheat, etc.), the CDF description hit home. Though it's still not fun, now that I've seen it in print and know the (your?) name for it, it's easier to deal with and trust that in time, it'll pass. Thanks. Now go polish your halo.
Note to elf-girl: There are always some guys out there who find the geeky stuff super-hot, and who you *could* tell on the first date, and it would blow their minds. Those are the guys you're looking for. I'm guessing you just need to Lay Hands on the right Rogue. Be patient, and try to circulate and do everything else to raise your chances as much as possible, without compromising your standards. As long as your standards are reasonable, that is. Only you and your best friends know that for sure.
Note to Erin: Great advice as always. That one line about sex toys was awkward and sounded like it was inserted after the rest of it was written, though! I assume when writing for public consumption one has to assume a certain percentage of your readers are idiots...?
: )
reverend jen owns elf ears.
and she's the coolest woman i wish i knew.
You know Tolkien's elves? Pretty, tall, immortal? Orcs are the evil derivatives of elves, created by Tolkien's Luciferian dark lord (earlier & bigger & badder than the sissified Lord of the Rings) through a lengthy period of Guantanamo-esque imprisonment, torture (stern interrogation?) and corruption. Now a fantasy staple throughout the genre.
Oh, and not pretty, or tall, or immortal. And, as the first poster points out, evil. Which makes it okay for your correspondent to kill them.
Hey, Lvl 27 SWF: I'm a Ph.D student in medieval history, own about a brazillion swords, and joust in a freakin' Renaissance faire. If I can find a WOMAN who puts up with that, you can certainly find a man - especially considering that the boy:girl ratio in geekdom is in your favor.
Where do you find us? Usually libraries. We wear stupid hats, smell like horse poop, laugh at Fark cliches, and write Nerve columns.
Oh, wait, that last one is just me.
Dear Miss I,
Here are some possible answers to your "orc" question.
1) If you watched any of the Lord of the Rings movies, the Orcs are nasty but otherwise vaguely human soldiers in the bad guys' armies.
2) Orcs are among the things you might pretend to kill if you were to play a fantasy role-playing game like "dungeons & dragons" Especially if you are playing with a Paladin.
3) It's a geek thing. You wouldn't understand.
4) Orcs (and other similar beings) in literature are a metonym for unredeemable enemy combatants; people you are free to hate in good conscience because they don't have families, don't have souls, delight in torture and other evilness, are incapable of love or kindness, and/or have really bad hygiene.
Bored With Missionary: If this is bothering you, you need to throw away the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. What if you find out your boyfriend went through an entire sorority in a little over a week? It doesn't matter. After all that, he chose to be with YOU. If that isn't a compliment, I don't know what is.
I'm sure you'll get (probably have gotten at this point) a deluge of emails on this, but for what it's worth:
1) An orc is a humanoid life form that inhabits a fantasy world. Usually described as being green or black, they
Am I alone in thinking that ditching an otherwise awesome new girl over the occassional bump of blow is a bit extreme and possibly even a bit self righteous?
I'm a bit surprised at the problem of the uber-geek girl "Lvl 27 SWF, LFG". She is in quite an enviable position. In the world of geeks, the male:female ratio is something ludicrous like 10:1. Even better, she seems to have dodged the #1 problem that geek in her situation fall prey to-- wanting to date a "normal" (i.e. non-geeky) guy who appreciates her geekdom. She actually wants a nice geeky guy-- the geek world is her oyster! I know single, respectable, goodhearted men of complete geekitude in at least 4 cities across the nation.
Given that, I have two suggestions.
First, if this girl is living in a rural area she should consider moving to a city or visiting one more often. Geeks are more likely to be "in the closet" in less urban areas.
Second, she should go to places where geeks hang out. Conventions (Comicon, Dragoncon, Gencon, etc.) and renaissance faires (with the "e"!) are good events to attend. For more day-to-day activities, frequent stores that cater to geeks: places that sell books, comic books, computers, role playing games, etc.
One final item. Geeks have something of a reputation (unfortunately somewhat deservedly) for often being fat. However, there are plenty of geeky guys who are less interested in how many extra pounds a girl is carrying and more interested in how many points of damage her paladin can do.
As a large, non-geeky woman once said to me "the renaissance faire is the fat girl's best friend. Those costumes aren't made for skinny bitches!"
so, "Lvl 27 SWF, LFG", go out there and get yourself a geek man to love. We're out there.
If you don't know what an orc is, it's probably better that you don't ask.
By the by, please forward the names and e-mail addresses of all the guys who answered to the orc question to the ubergeek chick - she'll appreciate it.
once a month is nothing - if she had addiction potential, it would have occurred long, long ago
The editorial choice of NQSE's letter for a "Miss Information" opinion is, I believe, representative of a certain hipster-prudery (that's fancy talk for "yuppie shit") that pervades this site. Like pornography, the prudery, is hard to describe but "I know it when I see it." It's about sex talk that doesn't really involve sex. It's about a kind of denatured sexuality that does involve one's physical appearance. Nerve.com has always struck me as "Sex And The City" in website form. There is the suggestion of vice and carnality, but trying to find it is like trying to catch smoke. And all of life's problems can be solved with a pair of hiking boots, some organic vegetables and a gym membership.
So, NQSE's letter is a very snug fit. This dude must be joking. He's 22 years old, he's got a rad girlfriend and he's worried that her partying ways are going to mess up his special little focus on "career and relationships"? No, please tell me it's a joke. He better not whine to his buddies like this or he'll get popped just for good orders' sake. When I was 22, raunchy sex and yeyo AND relationships and careers all went together like the ingredients of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or Fluffer-Nutter sandwiches. Shit, they still do.
"Miss Information's" initial response to this is straight out of the Partnership For A Drug Free America playbook. Cocaine and alcohol will KILL YOU. So will cigarettes and fatty foods and stress and the passage of time. So, again -- Stop the world: a young woman like to get twisted with booze and yeyo. And it's her limp boyfriend that's complaining about it and the nerve.com advisor is going all Officer Joe Bolton on us.
Back on planet Earth, people like to get high all kinds of ways and they like to fuck all kinds of ways and spend their evenings doing what they enjoy. I, for one, like yeyo and I even like smoking rock, but I cannot take one hit of pot without getting completely messed up. I cannot have so much as a Coors Light without getting headaches and blood-sugar bounces. My drinks are Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa and Club Soda and green tea. I don't touch cigarettes or weed or Crystal, but coke and rock make me feel great, so do vikeys and oxy. Why? Who knows? Everybody's brain chemistry and allergies are different.
And, no this letter isn't coming from Dannemora, it's coming from Fifth Avenue in NYC, and I -- at 42 -- can happily report that neither the career, the relationships nor the focus have been impeded by drugs.
I'm not carrying a brief for the cocaine industry. I don't give a shit about what anyone does. It's all fine. But I don't particularly enjoy some wimp's whining and some sex advisor's prudery. And by the way, what's wrong with being "a party girl." I'm betting that this wayward "party girl" of NQSE's is going to go further in her career that all y'all. I'll take the vocabulary plus the ye minus a touchdown over the wimpy career-stress on any Sunday.
Don't believe me about the prudery? I recopy this very page's disclaimer here:We are ardently committed to free expression, but we do expect Nerve visitors and contributors to interact respectfully and responsibly. Blatant expressions of bigotry, sexism or hatred may be constitutionally protected on the street corner, but they're not cool here.
Candy-ass bullshit. Oh, I now believe NQSE's letter is real.
Peace out.
Um, wow.
I think this pro-crack letter is even sadder than the ones that read like Penthouse Forum submissions. It's definitely more pathetic to brag about how cool and "liberal" you are because you smoke rock than it is to brag about your sexual mastery in the responses to a sex advice column.
I have an easy answer for the crackhead, though: don't like it? Don't read it.
For god's sake, twenty-two means you haven't even started yet. Don't get freaked by the occasional habits of others.
Oye, Dickhead:
The letter was ABOUT drugs, so I wanted to set forth some provocative words about drugs, just to make the point that it is not so cut and dried as writer and advisor seem to feel it is. I don't know what portion of life you're in, but this business about "liberal" and "cool" sounds a little childish, no? That's straight-up college crap. You haven't the faintest fucking idea what my politics are and what I deem to be cool. This is your issue, friend, not mine. And it is my understanding that "liberals" do the whole gym and healthfood and hiking bit. President Clinton, for example, was no liberal -- he tossed 25mm children off of welfare in the middle of an economic boom -- and he loved his yeyo (Google Dan Lasater). W, cold son-of-a-bitch and loved yeyo.
Nothing particularly cool about having low seratonin and dopamine levels and appreciating the relief one gets from certain drugs. So, next time you're on the fucking stairmaster or doing your dipshit ab crunches, think of me and pity me again. You're obviously a paragon of psychological and physical health and you seem to have a very deep understanding of all things. Your coolness and liberalism come across very strongly without any references to drugs. Good for you, boy.
As for sexual mastery, who has that? Only Sting last I heard. And you have to admit that HQSE's pretty much a toy. C'mooon, hon, as they say in Balto. I was making the point that the site is tamer than it's billing in its sexual content and the abstemious tone of the letter and response seemed to reinforce that.
I read the letter because I'm interested in the subject. And I was sorry to find that it reaffirmed my prejudices about Nerve. I had hoped the advisor would, herself, be more "cool" and "liberal". Alas, no.
My politics are varied by the way. I am far left on social issues and foreign affairs, and far right on a couple of arcane tax and financial issues. Really fucking cool, right?
Jesus Christ On Rye Toast, the pomposity of some of you dickheads. You know it all. That must feel great.
Doing coke once or twice a month really isn't a big deal. It's a boring, shallow, overpriced drug, with no potential whatsoever for expanding your mind or making you a more interesting person, but if she enjoys it, who cares? The answer is, you obviously do, so you have your answer already. Since she clearly hasn't got any kind of addiction, you need to be honest and recognise that you are completely and dogmatically against drugs. Take the 'NQ' out of the 'NQSE'. It would be more honest.
Disappointed to see Miss Information toeing the 'drugs are baaad, mmmkay?' party line and the patronising tone of 'she's still stuck in party-girl mode'. Personally I think it's pretty frightening that you're expected to have given up partying and to be a good little obedient citizen by the age of 22. Scary stuff. Glad I'm not American.
whoa. totally bitchin' new picture!
I used to be pretty muchof an alcoholic and an occasional druguser. So the girl I loved has left me without even saying why but I realised later.
Now i date a beautiful and sweet girl I fall for. She told me to stop or atleast do it as rare as possible. Well i didn't get drunk in two months and i haven't done any drug in a half a year.
Love is meant to mean sacrafice. Atleast its never been without it. You should party more but it does not eman u got to do cocaine - drugs r taken when u can't have fun without them to lose sense to reflect on a real world. You want to work and get serious - so don't lose sense - tell her.
If she walks away let her. Maybe send her an email or letters for the time being.
If she commits to stay and do none - then its up to u two to handle it later on.
If she tricks u and stays with u still doing same - maybe you should think on what you really want. And do it.
Serious relationship is knowing what your partner wants - do you know what she wants?
hopefully i did get anything right, though love is a plastic bomb in a back of your pocket - the only thing you know for sure she's got the red button somewhere hidden.
I would have used one very small word: CIAO! Drugs users LIE about their frequency and quantity.
Regarding the boy and his coke-using girlfriend:
Here's a guy who knows he doesn't want to be serious with anyone who's using coke. That means the question of "are drugs universally right or wrong?" isn't part of the equation. They are wrong for this guy, it doesn't matter if he's 80 or 20. Can someone do a line of coke and not be addicted? Of course. I don't think what I said goes against that.
Fun Miss Info fact: In elementary school my friends and I snorted Pixie Stix.
xoxo
erin
buy her this t-shirt...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v167/bandbgrrl/472294169_l.gif
I'm happy to report that the coke sniffer and myself have both moved on. She didn't like that I wasn't into her partying like a mindless chimp and she wasn't ready to get into anything committed. I appreciate the advice from Miss Info being straight forward and honest.
BTW, what is wrong with a society that promotes people doing positive things in life? You guys commenting here make it seem as if focusing on career, family, social, political and relationship forwarding is a BAD thing. Jeez. No wonder 'we' elected a partying coke head schmuck like GWB to our nations highest leadership position.
Signed,
NQSE Guy.
Maybe the most influential thing that I read today :P
-Regards,
Althea
Joe rocks?!
Amanda
Possibly the top blog I read today!?!
Best Regards,
Dorthy
Now you say something