Miss Information

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Miss Information is off this week. She’ll be back next week with an all-new column. Meanwhile, check out this "Best Of" edition and visit her MySpace page for blog musings, photos and more.

Dear Miss Information,
My last relationship was three-and-a-half years ago. It was a total wreck filled with cheating and lies. I’ve since become a serial dater and vowed to never date an Asian guy again since my last boyfriend was Asian. (I know I shouldn’t generalize, but I can’t help it.) A couple weeks ago, I met someone and I find myself thinking about him constantly. He’s Asian and has a lot in common with my last boyfriend — same birthday sign, same attitude, same look and even the same initials. What sucks is that this new guy has blown me off twice already in the last three weeks, and I am feeling weak and rejected. Should I just move on before I get myself more involved? Is this the old "girls like assholes" cliché? All this time I’ve been dating other types of guys, only to fall for someone just like my last boyfriend. — Jaded


Dear Jaded,
     It’s not an Asian fetish you’ve got, but rather a thing for guys who are assholes. I guarantee you if I introduced you to some nice Asian guy who kisses your ass you’d be making a beeline for the next Kevin Federline Caucasian. It’s how you girls with low self-esteem roll. But don’t get too down on yourself, because you have made some progress in the past three years. You’ve tried your hand at serial dating, experienced what sounds like a good variety of men, and have started to recognize some of your own emotional patterns. The question: Now that you know what you’re doing, can you cut it the fuck out? Lock yourself in the bathroom, look in the mirror and start chanting these important mantras:
     1. How a boy feels about me does not define who I am.
     2. I only like guys who like me back.
     Repeat until you start believing them (or until your roommate needs in).

Dear Miss Information,
     I’m that most pathetic and contemptible of all creatures, a married guy looking. For various reasons, the thing with the frigid and demanding wife ain’t gonna work out, and for two very specific and adorable eight- and ten-year-old reasons, I can’t ditch the witch and move on. I’ve already dealt with the "life sentence of involuntary celibacy" issue with some success, but once or twice a year just ain’t enough.     
     I’ve got this one soccer mom with big brown eyes in my gunsights. I want her to know I’m not her soulmate, but I’ll eat her five times tonight and I’m just warming up. How do I let the girl know I’ll do her with the ravenous enthusiasm of a prisoner released, and still be a gentleman at the same time? — Headed for Hell

Dear Hellboy,
     Most gentlemen I know don’t refer to the mother of their children as a "witch" and eat strange pussy while their wife and kids are away. Sorry to sound so condemning, but if you’re looking for some sort of go-ahead, you’ve come to the wrong place. Just because I talk dirty doesn’t mean I advocate dirtbag behavior.
     You’re in a sexless marriage, and that sucks. But there are alternatives. Divorce is one of them, but since you can’t bear the thought of exposing your kids to a loving and functional relationship (i.e., any relationship other than the one you’re in now), let’s take a look at what else is out there. There’s cheating, which can lead to awesome things like sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy. These risks seem small in comparison to the thoroughly and indelibly fucked-up relationships you’ll have with your wife and kids once they find out (and they will if you don’t knock it off). How’s the thought of your eight year old flunking out of school and winding up on anti-depressants as a boner killer?     
     There’s one more possibility — working it out with your wife. This can take a number of forms, from therapy (couple, individual, or both) to some sort of "arrangement" with your wife, whereby your extra-marital activities are mutually agreed upon and regulated. I’m full of shit, you say? The wife will never go for it? Well, have you ever asked? If she dislikes sex as much you say, she may look at it as a welcome relief. Of course, you still run some of the same risks as cheating (disease, pregnancy, etc.), but the emotional stakes are much lower.     
     Whatever you wind up doing, try to remember that you always have options. Lying to people you love doesn’t have to be one of them.

Dear Miss Information,
     I am a forty-something guy in a relationship. It’s been a few months, and I’m happy. However, I keep browsing Craigslist’s "Casual Encounters" section. I’ve never contacted anyone, and I don’t intend to. What’s behind my fascination? Is this going to lead somewhere bad? — Slave to Craig

Dear Slave to Craig,
     There are more theories here than a quantum-physics convention. A few of them are listed below, along with degree of threat to your relationship. "1" is no threat. "5" means "recover any family heirlooms and delete all nude photos."
     Theory #1 — You’re a serial dater, and you’ve grown accustomed to combing all the dating sites. You discovered Casual Encounters while looking for an impromptu chess partner, and became addicted to reading about granny trannies and guys who clean your house naked while you smack them with a pasta fork. Now that you’re in a relationship, you’ve abandoned all the other sites but can’t seem to give this one up. Degree of Threat: 1.
     Theory #2 — You’ve cheated on a few (okay, all) of your exes, but otherwise you’re a stand-up kind of guy. You see nothing wrong with looking at a few ads, as long as you don’t contact anybody. Well, nobody good looking, anyway. And how can you tell if she’s good looking? The only pictures she sends you are of her tits. Besides, it’s not cheating if you never meet in person. You tried, but she didn’t show up. Degree of Threat: 5.
     Theory #3 — You love your girlfriend, but lately, not so much. The sex is decent, but sometimes you envy your single friends. You’re not unhappy enough to dump her, but you aren’t exactly "in it to win it" either. You read the "Hot Slut 4 You" ads and wonder what it would be like to go out in a blaze of glory with one stupid, irreversible act. Boom! All the ambivalence is over. Degree of Threat: 3 (sober), 4.99 (drunk).
     As long as you’re not contacting anyone, Slave to Craig, and it’s not interfering with your sex life, I don’t think your Casual Encounters habit is too big a cause for concern. Looking at these ads might be harmless fun, or they may be an outlet (and a relatively safe one at that) for your negative feelings about your relationship. The only reason for you to stop would be if you were a chronic philanderer (see Theory #2) with weak impulse control. The lure is strong, and browsing this kind of site is playing with fire. If you can’t stop yourself, download a program that blocks access to the site. Have your best friend set the password and you won’t be able to hack your way back in. I have friends who’ve used this method to stop looking at the blogs/websites/Friendster profiles of ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, and it worked like a charm.


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