Advice

Miss Information

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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.

   
Dear Miss Information,
I was using my boyfriend’s computer the other day to check email, and you know how things pop up on the browser when you start typing? I found out he likes teen sites. Some of these girls look very, very young. Furthermore, I saw from his MySpace history that he’s checked out the sites of teenagers. He hasn’t contacted them (and probably never would) but he’s looked at them. It makes me uncomfortable. We are both in our mid-twenties.
I realize men like porn. I like porn too, and we even have vague plans to watch porn together. I know for certain that my boyfriend loves me. He thinks I’m very attractive and shows me in lots of ways. He’s probably the nicest boyfriend I’ve ever had and is very honest with me about everything. But I can’t help being creeped out. Is this normal? Why can’t he fantasize about huge-boobed blondes getting it in the ass, like most guys? How can he be attracted to me when I’m tall and look like an adult woman? I feel so grossed out and upset. — I Spy a Pervert?



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Dear I Spy,
Even if you’re pro-porn, stumbling upon a loved one’s smut trail can be jarring. I’m sure my strictly heterosexual Jewish boyfriend wouldn’t be thrilled to learn I occasionally frequent gay skinhead triple-X sites. But the divergence in aesthetics doesn’t mean that I consider him in any way inferior. I’d much rather fuck a sweet, sexy mensch than a neo-Nazi who isn’t even interested in my gender.
What your boyfriend is getting off on is the taboo. The underage fantasy is incredibly common. What’s sexy about it? Let’s see: the uneven power dynamic, the kinky schoolgirl clothes, the hearkening back to a time when sex was all crazy new and you’d stay up past your bedtime just to catch a three-second glimpse of a tit in a late-night movie. Those are just off the top of my head, but I’m sure you readers can come up with more.
I could see how it icks you out, but his porn preference isn’t anything to worry about. The MySpace stuff, however, is a little more troubling. The women in porn flicks are adults who happen to look young. Real teenagers, with real identities and real email/instant messenger accounts, should be considered verboten, and your boyfriend must know that. It sounds like he does, since he’s not communicating with any of them. But as his girlfriend, you are well within your bounds to ask him to stick to professional lolitas only, and to break up with him if he doesn’t comply. The same applies if you notice your boyfriend going out of his way to put himself in situations where he has access to young females or taking way too much of an interest in a neighbor’s daughter.
Otherwise, talk to him in the most non-accusing way you can about what you found. Chat about what you both consider appropriate and discuss mutual limits. See if you can get him to open up about what aspects he finds sexy and (if you’re comfortable with it) try to incorporate this new material into your bag o’ tricks. You may find yourself getting really into it. You never know.



Dear Miss Information,
 
Last January, I started dating a girl named Molly. We weren’t spectacular together, but I stayed with her, for reasons my therapist and I are still trying to figure out. In June I started sleeping with Annie, a coworker I’d been attracted to for months. She had a boyfriend named Ed, and she was moving to Dallas to get her Master’s degree in July. We saw each other for the next two months; all the while I was fighting with Molly and Annie was fighting with Ed.

At the end of July, we agreed that we’d had fun but couldn’t go on. Over the next few months, we talked on the phone a lot, and had phone sex. Just before Christmas, I finally shook off my paralysis and broke up with Molly. Annie visited, and we had two of the most romantic days and nights I’ve ever had.

Shortly after New Years Ed found out that Annie was cheating with me. Now she’s back in Chicago and we’re barely talking. She says she has to clear her head, that it’s too raw and that she doesn’t know how to be my friend. She and Ed are finally broken up but she can’t be in touch with me. She even took me off her MySpace friends list. She says she’ll be in touch if and when she figures out how to be friends.
If she loves me as she says and if I "mean the world to her,” why can she suddenly no longer tolerate any contact between us? — Alphabet Soup


Dear Alphabet Soup,
My heart goes out to you, Alphabet Soup, but let this be a big ol’ lesson: don’t start a relationship in a dysfunctional way and expect it to end in a non-dysfunctional manner. Cheating, moving, long-distance romance, chronic fighting with boyfriends and girlfriends, starting school — you and Annie have been through a lot, and not "a lot” as in "Our love can weather any storm.” You have to build a healthy foundation before you go through all those hurricanes, and it doesn’t sound to me like you have one.
A person can love you but want off the crazy train at the same time. I’m sure Ed’s giving her a bunch of grief about the cheating, and she probably feels guilty, and also embarrassed if the news has spread to family and friends. Maintaining a relationship with you will undo all the repairs she’s trying to make on her reputation and conscience.
It may hurt like a motherfucker, but in retrospect you’re going to see this as a good thing. Ceasing contact is one of the most effective, reliable ways of getting over someone. Keep talking to your shrink and resist the urge to call her. You can do it.

Dear Miss Information,
 
I’m a gay male in his forties. I’m in search of a new way to spice up my masturbation technique. I have an excellent sex life with my boyfriend, but he’s a salesman who works long hours, including overnight trips. He’s usually too tired to get me off when he gets home. Often I’m sleeping (I drool on the pillow, so you can imagine how sexy that is). I’ve tried using the other hand, and that was good for a while, but now I’m as bored as I was before. And I’m not a big fan of toys or prosthetic devices unless I’m using them with a partner. — Backhanded


Dear Backhanded,
What, no fake vagina? Well, seeing as you’re gay, I guess you’re allowed. I have heard good things about the Fleshlight though. It’s gotten an endorsement from an ordained pastor and comes in oral, vaginal, anal and (my favorite) "non-descript” models. Plastic pussies aside, it’s nice that you’re looking into such a benign, relationship-friendly solution to your dilemma. Others view lack of sex as a license to go philandering.
Do you like the internet, Backhanded? Of course you do. Grab your favorite cumrag, warm up with some wrist exercises and head over to JackinWorld.com. When it comes to sex sites, I’m pretty hard to impress. I’ve pretty much seen it all. But this site wow. You’ll find literally hundreds of jerkoff methods, from traditional ones like The Upstroke to the more exotic like the Drummer Boy, Windshield Wiper and Mister Spock (although I’m sure he’d find such activity "highly illogical”). There’s also reader comments, reviews of lubes and masturbation games you can play while you’re waiting for your sweetie’s flight to arrive.
You might also want to try wacking it in a new location (see how quiet you can be in the work bathroom) or a change in masturbation material (ditch the visual and try audio-only porn).
Your timing is uncanny, Backhanded. The U.K.-based College of Optometrists has just released an official statement saying that masturbation does not make you go blind. So go fuck yourself and have fun!  

 


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